If / when I should call?

[ashleyyy]

The man I was with broke up with me in the end of December. We are on good terms, ended things in a nice way. We have talked a couple of times on the phone since and I have seen him once.

 

The last time we talked was about 3 weeks ago (he called to ask me about some things he knew I had that day), it was a nice, friendly conversation.

 

At the end, he had to go, and when we were saying bye, he said: "Bye, until I hear from you." His tone of voice was nice...

 

So, do you think that it's ok for me to call, or do you think I should leave him alone? I would really like to talk to him as friends, but don't want to seem like I am clingy after the break up. Also, I would like to meet with him to talk/hang out, but I'm afraid of how he might take that.

 

Any advice would be helpful. Thak you.

[friscodj]

Hey ashley-

 

Let me ask you this, what is your history together? How long were you two together and what was the depth of the relationship?

 

The reason I ask such questions is because I get the sense you guys aren't quite at the same place with everything just yet. Do you think he is dissecting your words the way you are his, worrying about appearances of calling and wanting to spend time together, and asking for advice on the Internet about this matter?

 

Are you sure your true motivation is friendship here? You aren't really hoping to use a friendship as a vehicle to get back together? How would seeing him happy with another woman or hearing about such a relationship affect you?

 

If you are really fine with all of this and truly accept that the relationship is gone, I say forget about appearances and ask him to hang out with you as friends. He may be wondering if you are OK with this as well. Given you are truly past the relationship ending and the associated feelings precluding further confusion, weirdness, and pain, I say wholeheartedly take steps towards pursuing a friendship with him. And I'm sure if you expressed your intentions and reasons for such, it would help solidify the basis for this friendship by eliminating a lot of questions on both sides.

[ashleyyy]

Thanks for the post friscodj!

 

We have known each other for 8 years, weren't very close before (friends, but didn't know how much we had in common), started dating in September. At the end of Dec., he told me that he isn't feeling the "chemistry" between us and that this isn't working as a relationship. As for the depth, it didn't get too involved, it was short, but meant a lot to me. We really got alog well, had fun, bonded, found out how much we have in common, got very comfortable etc.

 

As for your question about him analyzing etc....I don't think he thinks about that at all, doesn't analyze like I did this one things he said. Thank you for pointing that out to me, I thought that I was doing better at not dissecting this, since this is the first thing I have really dissected, but I need to stop that.

 

Also, he has made steps to hang out before, I had to turn down, so I think that maybe it's my turn now?

 

If I saw him happy with someone else, I would smile, and hope that I find that eventually as well. I can't make him love me, tried that one other time, failed, and learned.

 

Hope this kind of cleared up the situation. Thank you for the help!!

[friscodj]

Well, it sounds like you had something real, albeit relatively short. It meant a lot to you...that is the main point here.

 

I do see a good basis for friendship with your common interests and the fact you bonded and had fun together.

 

Do you think a real friendship is possible right now without you getting sucked into chasing him and/or rehashing a potpourri of feelings surrounding the relationship and/or a desired new one?

 

I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. Be honest with yourself and trust your judgment. Take some initiative to this end, maybe take it slow at first, and if things start becoming too heavy, negative, and salty, take some more time and distance and try later on down the road.

 

I hope things work out for you guys and if they do that would be very cool...

[ashleyyy]

Thank you once again for the reply.

 

I agree with you on the basis for friendship part, I actually think that this we were a lot like best friends atehr than lovers in some aspects.

 

I am not a 100% sure if a real friendship is possible at this point, but I am willing to see if it is, give it a test run, because I have not had a chnce to do so yet. Also, I know that he will understand if I need more time, so no presure there. If I notice "slipping," I will talk to him and stop tring to be friends too soon.

 

I think that I will call him tonight/tomorrow and arrange for us to hang out, especially since I will have 3 hours of free time by his house on Friday while waiting on a friend (it's pretty far from where I live). Any advice on the best things to do? We have many common interests so I will choose something, but wanted to get some input just in case. Thank you!

[friscodj]

That sounds like a good plan to me. You seem to have a good perspective on this...

 

As far as what to do, whatever suits your common basis sounds good to me. I think it is important at this point to let the situation play out without laser-guided precision here. The resulting light, carefree nature will likely help the cause of friendship here...