Still shattered after 4 years...

[Invicta]

She was my high school sweetheart, we started going out our senior year. My first... only... real relationship. Except throughout the 2 and a half years that we were together we never really got along and never, not once, did I tell her that I loved her. She was an emotionally unstable girl who had a really rough time before we met. She was difficult to handle and would swing back and forth so violently emotionally that at the time I didn't believe we could last. There was one particularly bad night about a year into our relationship where I was on the verge of breaking up with her. Sitting in the car at a parking lot late at night, she broke down and practically begged me to stay with her... that she couldn't make it without me. I stayed with her, and from that point on I viewed myself more as her guardian than a partner. I mean... I still really liked her and was honest and sincere, but I kept her at arms length and didn't allow myself to become too emotionally committed.

 

Well what do you know, a couple of years later she wised up. She got some self confidence and did what I knew would eventually happen; she broke up with me. Well, we had a talk, and she told me she had a small crush on a guy in one of her classes. Almost without thinking I suggested that we split up for a while. I understood that we were young and inexperienced. I knew that inevitably the day would come where the lure and curiosity of other potential partners would get stronger than our relationship; especially with me subjecting her to an emotional stonewall.

 

The old saying has me to a key: You don't know what you have until you loose it. The breakup was devastating for me. The sensations of loss, guilt, and anxiety hit me almost immediately. I became acutely aware of all the things about her that I loved and I could remember only the wonderful moments we shared. Sadly, I refused even then to reveal myself to her, telling myself it would only hurt her. What truly broke my heart was that as time passed, she seemed to move along effortlessly while I was devastated. At the time I felt betrayed. Not so much by her, but by my own emotions. The sensation that I could have developed such deep, raw feelings that were unreciprocated was both shocking and confusing. This created an inner conflict within me that has never truly been resolved.

 

I remained in a dark private depression for months. I failed all my classes; I lost contact with many of my friends, and began drinking like an alcoholic. It's taken me years to drag myself out of the hole I dug. The only reason I'm still alive is because of my family, I couldn't stand the thought of hurting my family by blowing my brains out. My Dad especially, he has depression problems and he couldn't handle loosing his son with all the bad * * * * going on in his life right now. The problem is, I'm such an empty useless shell even after all this time that I can't even help the people around me.

 

The girl is not the issue anymore. The chance to mend that wound has long passed and she has a different life now. Granted, it's taken me years to recover, but I no longer get a knot in my throat and chest when I lie alone at night... and I no longer need drugs and alcohol to do that. I have also realized how much of this whole mess was my fault. My difficulties communicating with others about my emotions and my refusal to take risks are at the root of my problems. I also realize that I have trouble making a connection between my emotions and the conclusions I make in my everyday life.

 

My dad and I are very similar. We both have depression problems and have a difficult time revealing our weaknesses to others. We don’t really know how to spend time with each other and when we hang out we mostly just watch television. I think the only real conversations we have are little snippets back and forth when we’re driving in the car. Tonight he revealed things about himself that can so easily be applied to me. There is no joy left. It’s hard to see anything good in the future. The only thing he has that I don’t is fear. His fear overwhelms him while I have to work hard to build up enough anxiety to complete my daily responsibilities. I feel powerless to help him. I’m not there for him, nor am I there for other friends and family as I should be. After all this time I still cant get myself moving.

[MrSparky]

Invicta,

 

Do everything in your power not to become your Dad, at least with regards to the depression. Depression is a terrible thing that can take away years from your life, or your whole life, and you'll regret it deeply. But you know that anyway

 

Have you considered getting help for it? Either medication or counselling? I'm not one for labelling people as "depressed", drugging them up to the Hilt and saying "job done", but this break-up happened in the key years of your life, when so many young adults start getting depressed - and I wouldn't be supprised if your Dad also started around then? Or were the drugs you were taking to help the depression? If they were 'recreational' (if they can be really called that!) that can even worsen symtoms or even long-term effects of depression, but again you'll know that. If you haven't seen help you really should - 4 years and that slippery and dangerous slope of depression, especially for a 22 year old, is not something to be simply dismissed, particularly with family history.

 

And don't feed off your Dad's feelings. You can't be there for everyone, and you'll know better than most that many (or all) people would be completely ineffectual in helping your depression just by "being there" - there's more to it than that, so don't push yourself further down. Many people have experiences with people who are depressed and it kills them to not be able to help those loved ones. It's worsened when you're depressed yourself, it becomes another load on your mind.

 

Step back and find that joy again. Reinvent yourself; do something radically different, perhaps something you're terrified of. Occupy yourself, especially in the dark times - the nights, the mornings, the times you feel most desperate and alone. Find something that fills those times and train your mind out of the depression. It's not incurable, and you can do it alone, with friends, or with professional help, whichever suits you. And just let your Dad know you love him and are there for him - that's all you could ever do, and he'll know that

[isidore]

It seems like things have been going downhill for you ever since this relationship ended. I'm sorry it's given you so much torment. I too have been with emotionally unstable women, and they're a lot to handle (as I'm sure emotionally unstable men are).

 

One thing you wrote struck me:

 

"...she seemed to move along effortlessly while I was devastated. At the time I felt betrayed. Not so much by her, but by my own emotions. The sensation that I could have developed such deep, raw feelings that were unreciprocated was both shocking and confusing. This created an inner conflict within me that has never truly been resolved."

 

IMO you really don't know if she moved on easily or not. Just because you suffered emotionally when she fell out of your life is no reason to conclude that your emotions betrayed you. What were you supposed to do? Care for her and at the same time never develop a sense of attachment? I don't think that that's humanly possible. Measuring how much one person was invested in a relationship compared to the other can probably only lead to the type of pain you're still in. That being said, we all do it sometimes.

 

I'm really going to sound like an old man when I say this, but, when I was around your age and going through a really tough patch of depression I looked around for something non-girlfriend-related to occupy my time. For me it was learning how to ride a motorcycle. There are a lot of first bikes out there that can be bought on the cheap, and it's fun to be alone out there on the road with the wind in your face. So much stress and tension melts away! Just an idea.

 

By the way, your name Invicta "the unconquerable woman" in Latin. I don't know if this is an homage to her supposedly not being affected by your break-up (not trying to pry! only a guess), but you're still here, still fighting, still concerned enough to reach out, so in my book you're Invictus too.

[Shannyn]

your ex and my ex sound very similar. The only difference is at the beginning of the relationship he use to know how to really turn on the charm,knew all the right words to say to a woman to hook her in. Like ur ex he also had severe mood swings. he would be extremely loving and sweet one day the next day he would was like dr.jeckal and mr hyde. The majority of the time I felt like i was on a constant emotional roller coaster,it really messes with ur head. I was always walking on egg shells in the end in case I said something to set him off.

 

The thing is these people usually never change or will seek help for themselves and they just leepfrogging from one relationship to another leaving a trail of broken lives. Its really messed up. Its like someone needs to tell these ppl to stop messing with ppls lives and do something about themselves. Ive actually read somewhere emotionally abusive relationships are usually the hardest to get out of....I think the reason for that is its the "sweet times" that keep you hanging in in the hopes that the other person will change. But they never do.

 

Either way there still very painful when they end cus they dont stsrt off that way. By that time your already hooked.

[Invicta]

Thanks for your replies guys. It's a curious thing how I'm only willing to expose myself under the guise of anonymity, and also that the people I find here are more sincere and genuine than most of the people I know.

 

isidore it's funny you should suggest getting a motorcycle because I've been riding one for the past three months. I bought a honda cb400 from a neighbor and I'm having a lot of fun with it. It's a bit cold right now but the ride to class wakes me up better than a coffee.

 

You're right Sparky about my dad... theres only so much I can do, and there comes a point where I'm simply conjuring pity and guilt. I tend to be a person who tries to make everybody happy. Well, at least I used too be, apathy seems to have the best of me at the moment.

[Invicta]

Thanks for your replies guys. It's a curious thing how I'm only willing to expose myself under the guise of anonymity, and also that the people I find here are more sincere and genuine than most of the people I know.

 

isidore it's funny you should suggest getting a motorcycle because I've been riding one for the past three months. I bought a honda cb400 from a neighbor and I'm having a lot of fun with it. It's a bit cold right now but the ride to class wakes me up better than a coffee.

 

You're right Sparky about my dad... theres only so much I can do, and there comes a point where I'm simply conjuring pity and guilt. I tend to be a person who tries to make everybody happy. Well, at least I used too be, apathy seems to have the best of me at the moment. It's so frustrating that so much time has passed and I'm still dead inside. At this point I doubt I'll ever get back what I lost.