sad story

[allthewrongmoves]

Warning, long read

 

Hi I'm 30 and in a relationship for 3 years, I have a little baby girl of 9 months. I was searching for a forum today where I could post my problems to get them off my chest and to hopefully get some advice or help.

 

Our relationship has never been healthy. To cut a long story short my partner never really felt that I was good enough for her. She regarded me as the cause of all her problems and constantly told me she can do better. I have tried my hardest to make her love me the way I love her but it never happened. I feel that in our relationship we are both to blame for the bad times. She's always treated me with content, disrespect and ridicule.

 

It's not the first time she's hit me, pushed me or thrown things at me or just broke things in anger. She left me with bruises before. I'd already told her before that physical violence is something that I did not want to see in my family and it will only lead to disaster.

 

During a heated argument, she wanted to call her mother to prove a point to me. I told her not to as it was late and I didn't want the stress. I was tired as I had a hard day and the last thing I needed was to start arguing with her and her mother at 10pm at night. This wasn't good enough for her and at this point she was already in uncontrollable anger and continued to dial her mother and push the telephone in my face. I knew where this was going I'd been there before an I wanted to put a stop to it. I went to the wall and pulled the wire out of the socket. This only enraged her further and she proceeded upstairs telling me that she'll use her mobile phone. I followed upstairs and tried to plead with her not to continue this and call her mother at this time of night. I just wanted her to let it go. As we are talking to eachother, almost like in a flash, she's looking down on me as if she's trying to come downstairs but I'm still standing at the top of the stairs.

 

She shouts at me to get out of her way and be for I know it she starts pushing me. I'm a bit shocked and caught by surprise by it all as I'm standing there like an idiot trying to reason with her and she keeps pushing me. I loose my footing and with a push from her my left hand slips and I pivot on my right hand with my back going through the wood railing. At this point I snap and say that's it and grab her with my left hand and the railing with my right and use this to push myself up on the top stair. She's still pushing me and I push her into the wall to the left with my hand on her face and slip right to the side upstairs. As I'm walking away I can see her walking down the stairs. I hear a lot of thumping and go back to the top of the stairs and have a look, she's stood at the bottom of the stairs staring at me and I decide that this is gone far to far. I tell her I'm going to call the police as I feel that I've had enough. She proudly displays a bruise on her thigh and tells me that they won't believe me and they'll believe her as she has a bruise. She also tells me I pushed her down the stairs and they'll believe her. I was terrified. I couldn't call the police but how do I stop this madness. I decided to call a friend and ask for some advice. I spoke to this friend last time she hit me, he wanted me to go and see him. I told him I was worried about driving in my condition and that I was worried about my daughter.

 

Meanwhile my partner is now calling her mother and telling her I pushed her down the stairs. It's not the first time I realize there is something wrong with me to allow this madness to continue for so long and yet still fear leaving her and my baby. To my amazement the police turn up, as my partner told me no to call the police so she could get a chance to call them first. She now tells them I pushed her down the stairs. I spend the night in a cell and am given a caution because apparently my partner actually gave a statement to incriminate me.

 

As you can imagine I felt a major injustice and felt like my partner has no scruples and will stop at nothing in her disturbed existence. However, this incident did start to show emotions of guilt in her and made her realize that there is something really wrong with her.

 

Without going in any detail I can say that she's had some serious things happen to her before she met me. She has a lot of issues. She lies a lot, threatens to leave me constantly and treats me with resentment and hatred. Recently, after the birth of my daughter, my partner finally decided to seek professional help after the above incident that occurred between us. She was referred to counselling and was prescribed pills. Since then for 2 or 3 months the change for the better was astonishing, I was amazed and shocked by her whole attitude and outlook on things. We also attended couples counselling which not only helped but it gave her even more hope for a brighter happier future. She realized that she loves me and wants to make things work. She has tried since to make me love her and forgive her.

 

Things are not working out for me anymore, I'm now bitter from all the previous hurt and pain. I can not trust her or forgive her for the past. I love my daughter dearly and I want to make it work but I don't love my partner any more. It's almost as the roles are reversed. I use to tell her that one day she'd be sorry for the way she treated me, for not respecting me and appreciating me. I told her she'd realize one day how careless she's been with my love. I never actually though it would happen, but then I never though our on-off relationship would produce a baby.

 

Problem is I can not forgive her for all the things that have happened. I can't forget. The very thing that made her seek help, my suggestions never worked, was the incident which I mentioned earlier, the very incident that made me stop loving her made me resent her. I see her as an evil, calculating, scruples monster and I fail to understand how I can ever learn to love her again and trust her for the sake of seeing my daughter. I have recently told her I can not continue to hide my feelings and that I find it difficult to make love to her or even hold her. Unsurprisingly since I told her what a hard time I'm having with this all and how the wounds aren't healing her behaviour is starting revert to how it was before. She's becoming increasingly, angry, resentful, hateful and displaying scenes of loss of control as before. I'm not surprised that someone as sick and twisted as her really expected that after years of suffering from her hands I should just forgive and forget. What is surprising me is how quickly she's reverted to the monster inside when things didn't got the way she wanted them to. Ieven said to her that she's tried to make an effort for 2 months but I'd been through this for 3 years. It's disguisting that she's expects me to forgive and forget in her time. Iwill do it, if ever, in my own time and when I am capable of it.

 

I know it's also my fault for allowing it to go so far but I'm here now so what do I do? Please, any questions or suggestions would be welcome.

[herewegoagain]

First of all, welcomwe to Enotalone.

 

Wow, that is quite a story. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start thinking of yourself - your safety, happiness, and your life in general.

 

She treats you terribly. So why do you stay with her?

 

You are still young, and have plenty of time to find someone else. Do it now - quit dragging this miserable situation out day after day.

 

As for the baby, that's a tough one. Can you take care of the baby on your own? She doesn't seem stable enough to even care for a child.

 

So again, why are you still with this woman?

[never-too-late]

Hello allthewrongmoves,

 

I am so sorry to hear this. It actually causes me pain to read your story.

 

I am 28 year old girl, whose father has been abused by my mum exactly the same way. He has been hit, scratched, pushed and so on! I had to listen to this for 18 years until I finally told her to stop but she never did.

 

I left my home and now I live abroad, far away from my family. I never fully recovered from what has been going on at home. Whenever I saw my dad with scratches on his arms or hands, I felt stomachache.

 

Please, get a divorce as soon as possible. If you stay, you will have to put up with this all your life. Your daughter will suffer the most and she will resent you for staying. I became angry with my dad for staying with my mum. I am suffering still now so badly.

 

So please do this for your daughter and please don't let your little girl stay with this woman. Go to the police and tell them. Even if you have to show police what you wrote here on enotalone, is going to help. If she does this to you again, do not fight back, ever and if you get bruises or scratches, immediately go to the police. That way she cannot use anything against you.

 

But please divorce. My father has been suffering all of his life with this and in the end he met someone else, wanted to leave, I wanted my parents to get divorced so he can be free and happy but my mum used all possible threats for him to stay, including physical violence! I had to stop it so many times and it made me sick each time. I live abroad but whenever I went home, I woke up early in the morning with a heartbeat in my throat when my mum would abuse my father, I run upstairs to stop it and I said to them I never want to see them again. I wanted to go home, to a peaceful home but I could not have it. So please don't do this to your daugther. She is very small now, please do this before she grows up and realises what kind of home she has.

 

And don't ever think that your wife will change. She won't. Even if she will promise she will. My mum even told me she will not hit my dad again and she did. She never realised I think how much she hurt me by it.

 

Please give your daughter peaceful memories of her childhood and find yourself a nice, caring, kind and loving wife.

 

Like I said to my dad many times, this is not love. It's a manipulation and control!!

[allthewrongmoves]

The thing that hurts me the most is that I don't want my daughter to grow up without a father. I don't want my daughter to come from a broken home. I keep telling myself that maybe things will work out before she's old enough to see what's going on. I dream of a happy home for my daughter. I know how the law works and my partner would probably manage to take my daughter. She's calculated, and nasty enough that I can see her do it. She doesn't even work, still studying, she's, in my opinion, still not right in her head, and wouldn't even have a place to stay. My child support certainly wouldn't be enough to support her and my daughter and I would not be able to give them too much as I'd have to pay for my own house, bills and the rest. My partner probably knows the worries I have for my daughter and she knows she has me where she wants me.

 

Problem is that I'm quite lost myself. I feel like I've made my choices and my mistakes. It's to late and I must sacrifice myself now for the good of my daughter. I must get over my feelings for my partner and think of my daughter, as she's the most important thing in my life.

 

I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know where to start. Most of all I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision staying with my partner and things will only get worst in the future.

 

I know what you are saying anf thank you for your replies. It's very difficult for me to make a decision. We are just living together at the moment and nothing else. I'm making an effort for my daughter until I have the strength and will to know which is the right decision and to follow it through.

[never-too-late]

I understand you! It's a very hard decision. However, there are two options regarding your daughter:

 

Do you want her to live in a house full of rage, physical abuse, violence, disrespect, fear, tension, stress, worries, and so on...

 

OR

 

Do you want her to live at least with one parent but without this abuse?

 

I think you should try to get divorced. You are just telling yourself that your partner would win. But you have not tried it. It is not late!!!!!! Don't tell yourself that. Be strong for your little girl and for you!! If you don't try to get divorced and get your little girl into care, you will be unhappy all your life and I do not see any positive outcome for your daughter.

 

Do you honestly think that things will improve and change? Do you honestly think that your wife will become loving, calm, caring, sweet? I mean the things she does are pretty awful, out of control. She is manipulating you using her own mother. It's horrible. I really honestly think that you should get all the strength you have and sort this out lawfully.

 

Why don't you record all the rages. Try it. Have some proof. DO not fight back and if you do have some bruises or cuts or whatever, go to the police immediately, file for divorce and fight for your daughter. This woman is not capable of creating a nice, warm home for any of you.

 

You know my dad suffered all this time, staying for me and my brother. But in the end at the age of 50 when I was grown up and my brother has his own family, he tried to leave my mum. He could not and he is at home now. I am not sure how happy my parents are but I don't think my father will ever fully be happy. He ended up going to see a psychologist. And I think he is the sweeetest, most peaceful, intelligent and sucessful dad ever. He is the best dad I could ever dream of. My mum has a big heart but she just did not manage the marriage well. She has made him stay at home a lot, he does not have many friends and he is extremely sociable person. He has be careful around women even on TV. My mum is very jelous.

 

I just think that my dad and my mum would be much happier if they were separate. And I am sorry, your wife sounds even worse than my mum! She sounds really bad. So I would do anything to get out. You say you are 30! It's so young. I am 28. We still have so much in front of us!

 

Fight for happiness and peace and your little girl. She will be grateful to you later on.

[never-too-late]

And one more thing:

 

you say you don't want your girl to come from a broken home. But I am sorry as much as it hurts to hear this, isn't broken already? all this abuse and violence is not healthy for anybody?

 

You know I have a problem in my own life, in my own relationship because of the problems my parents have had. I am not saying they never ever tried to give me the home, I needed but the problems they had were quite extreme. So please try to think of your girl before anything else!

[allthewrongmoves]

I am fairly successful and I am very sociable. I have a lot of hobbies and I like company. Anything from fast cars to martial arts, music, films, holidays, health spa, online shooting games and socialising in clubs and bars. My partner is very quiet, doesn't make friends too well and needs to be pushed to make decisions or do fun things. This is not apparent though because by coming into my world I've always had fun thing for us to do. She is getting a little better though but this is her and it will probably never change, but that not a big problem to me.

 

I use to be single and happy about it. I'd have a lodger every one in a while, usually female. I was never interested in women long term until about 5 years ago. My first relationship ended after a 2 years due to my ex basically amalgamating massive hidden debts and her drinking. Things weren't working anymore anyway and we'd already called it off couple of times before. She was a great person to got out with but she was not the type of person to settle down with.

 

I was single for a while and then I met my current partner. She seemed, a successful career woman, great family ties and most of all she seemed to have her head on her shoulders. There were cracks early on but I was either to blind to see them or too stupid and ignore them. I have to admit she is a very sexy and beautiful woman and that tends to make men go a bit stupid and blind.

 

We had lust in plenty and we had a great time too, but slowly the cracks got bigger and her past was unravelling, her personality was coming through and, little by little, a lot of what she said to me turned out to be a lie. But I though, it doesn't matter because I'm not exactly intending on marrying her. So it's alright for now.

 

Unfortunately I fell in love with her. Worse still some of her past, which made my hair stand on end, also made me feel like I want to help her. I felt like I could help her realise that she can love, she can be happy and not every man wants to hurt her. I felt that one day I could brake through the icy surface and melt her heart. I figured I'll give it a go. I have nothing to loose if it doesn't work out. I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me.

 

I was wrong. My love for her got deeper and I put up with her attitude because instead of labelling it as nastiness I labelled it as a cry for help a consequence of her pain and suffering. I didn't think she was evil, just emotionally scarred and mentally unstable.

 

Today I'm not so sure which one it is. Today we are a family. Today I have a daughter. She is the most amazing thing to have ever graced my life and I have never regretted her and I have always thanked God for blessing me with such a gift.

 

never-too-late, this violence is not a reoccurring thing and it's only happened once in front of my daughter, when she threw something at me while I was holding my daughter and nearly hit her in the head. Since the incident I spoke of in my first post nothing like this has happened. This was 2 months ago. She has been to doctors for pills and is getting counselling. The problem is that I can not find it within myself to forgive her or forget the incident and all that happened before it. Yes, she seems to be slipping back since I told her my emotional wounds are not healing, but her behaviour is monitored. It's too early to tell if she's a lost cause and to make a harsh decision. Please believe me when I say that if things ever become like they were before I will not allow the relationship to continue.

 

Please understand that I'm not an angel, I have my faults and my problems. When people get hurt they strike back . I have retaliated with harsh words, name calling and swearing too. I still do to this day and I'm working on it. I want to rise above it and not allow myself to be pulled into these situations with her. I doesn’t always work but I'm getting better at dealing with these times.

 

Again a long read but I hope it makes things more clearer.

[never-too-late]

I am sorry if I sounded as if I was forcing my opinions on you. I just wanted to help as I experienced something very similar at home. The fact that your little girl is so small and your wife almost hit her head when she threw out of anger at you something, is so bad. I mean what if she really hit her? Small babies are so fragile. And one more thing, my paretns always thought and believed that I never knew or felt anything as a child. Children are actually very clever, they sense immediately if something is not right at home and it affects them from a very young age.

 

However, I can see that you want to give your wife chances. I honestly wish you all the best and I really hope that she can put as much as effort into changing herself and controlling her anger and rage. Maybe you two need to communicate to each other, maybe you need to tell her how you really feel and how much you worry for your daughter. She should understand and share the same worry with you so you both give your little girl the home she needs.

 

All the best to you!!! We are here to help if you need.