allthewrongmoves Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Warning, long read Hi I'm 30 and in a relationship for 3 years, I have a little baby girl of 9 months. I was searching for a forum today where I could post my problems to get them off my chest and to hopefully get some advice or help. Our relationship has never been healthy. To cut a long story short my partner never really felt that I was good enough for her. She regarded me as the cause of all her problems and constantly told me she can do better. I have tried my hardest to make her love me the way I love her but it never happened. I feel that in our relationship we are both to blame for the bad times. She's always treated me with content, disrespect and ridicule. It's not the first time she's hit me, pushed me or thrown things at me or just broke things in anger. She left me with bruises before. I'd already told her before that physical violence is something that I did not want to see in my family and it will only lead to disaster. During a heated argument, she wanted to call her mother to prove a point to me. I told her not to as it was late and I didn't want the stress. I was tired as I had a hard day and the last thing I needed was to start arguing with her and her mother at 10pm at night. This wasn't good enough for her and at this point she was already in uncontrollable anger and continued to dial her mother and push the telephone in my face. I knew where this was going I'd been there before an I wanted to put a stop to it. I went to the wall and pulled the wire out of the socket. This only enraged her further and she proceeded upstairs telling me that she'll use her mobile phone. I followed upstairs and tried to plead with her not to continue this and call her mother at this time of night. I just wanted her to let it go. As we are talking to eachother, almost like in a flash, she's looking down on me as if she's trying to come downstairs but I'm still standing at the top of the stairs. She shouts at me to get out of her way and be for I know it she starts pushing me. I'm a bit shocked and caught by surprise by it all as I'm standing there like an idiot trying to reason with her and she keeps pushing me. I loose my footing and with a push from her my left hand slips and I pivot on my right hand with my back going through the wood railing. At this point I snap and say that's it and grab her with my left hand and the railing with my right and use this to push myself up on the top stair. She's still pushing me and I push her into the wall to the left with my hand on her face and slip right to the side upstairs. As I'm walking away I can see her walking down the stairs. I hear a lot of thumping and go back to the top of the stairs and have a look, she's stood at the bottom of the stairs staring at me and I decide that this is gone far to far. I tell her I'm going to call the police as I feel that I've had enough. She proudly displays a bruise on her thigh and tells me that they won't believe me and they'll believe her as she has a bruise. She also tells me I pushed her down the stairs and they'll believe her. I was terrified. I couldn't call the police but how do I stop this madness. I decided to call a friend and ask for some advice. I spoke to this friend last time she hit me, he wanted me to go and see him. I told him I was worried about driving in my condition and that I was worried about my daughter. Meanwhile my partner is now calling her mother and telling her I pushed her down the stairs. It's not the first time I realize there is something wrong with me to allow this madness to continue for so long and yet still fear leaving her and my baby. To my amazement the police turn up, as my partner told me no to call the police so she could get a chance to call them first. She now tells them I pushed her down the stairs. I spend the night in a cell and am given a caution because apparently my partner actually gave a statement to incriminate me. As you can imagine I felt a major injustice and felt like my partner has no scruples and will stop at nothing in her disturbed existence. However, this incident did start to show emotions of guilt in her and made her realize that there is something really wrong with her. Without going in any detail I can say that she's had some serious things happen to her before she met me. She has a lot of issues. She lies a lot, threatens to leave me constantly and treats me with resentment and hatred. Recently, after the birth of my daughter, my partner finally decided to seek professional help after the above incident that occurred between us. She was referred to counselling and was prescribed pills. Since then for 2 or 3 months the change for the better was astonishing, I was amazed and shocked by her whole attitude and outlook on things. We also attended couples counselling which not only helped but it gave her even more hope for a brighter happier future. She realized that she loves me and wants to make things work. She has tried since to make me love her and forgive her. Things are not working out for me anymore, I'm now bitter from all the previous hurt and pain. I can not trust her or forgive her for the past. I love my daughter dearly and I want to make it work but I don't love my partner any more. It's almost as the roles are reversed. I use to tell her that one day she'd be sorry for the way she treated me, for not respecting me and appreciating me. I told her she'd realize one day how careless she's been with my love. I never actually though it would happen, but then I never though our on-off relationship would produce a baby. Problem is I can not forgive her for all the things that have happened. I can't forget. The very thing that made her seek help, my suggestions never worked, was the incident which I mentioned earlier, the very incident that made me stop loving her made me resent her. I see her as an evil, calculating, scruples monster and I fail to understand how I can ever learn to love her again and trust her for the sake of seeing my daughter. I have recently told her I can not continue to hide my feelings and that I find it difficult to make love to her or even hold her. Unsurprisingly since I told her what a hard time I'm having with this all and how the wounds aren't healing her behaviour is starting revert to how it was before. She's becoming increasingly, angry, resentful, hateful and displaying scenes of loss of control as before. I'm not surprised that someone as sick and twisted as her really expected that after years of suffering from her hands I should just forgive and forget. What is surprising me is how quickly she's reverted to the monster inside when things didn't got the way she wanted them to. Ieven said to her that she's tried to make an effort for 2 months but I'd been through this for 3 years. It's disguisting that she's expects me to forgive and forget in her time. Iwill do it, if ever, in my own time and when I am capable of it. I know it's also my fault for allowing it to go so far but I'm here now so what do I do? Please, any questions or suggestions would be welcome. Quote Link to comment
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