VERY LONG, but I need help! Is it over?

[Ladyface]

I've posted on ENA before, but they were usually short anecdotes about particular feelings or instances, and I feel I really need to sit down and talk (er, type) about everything in one big, comprehensive post.

 

So here it is. It'll be long, but if you read it all and have anything to say, I would appreciate it so much!

 

My ex (we'll call him Justin) broke up with me in December, completely out of the blue, after a relatively intense four-month relationship. He claimed that he needed some alone time (we were together pretty much 24/7) and needed to re-focus on himself and get back in touch with friends he had lost while we were dating.

 

Post-Breakup Phase One: The Painful Hell of NC: I spent weeks battling serious post-breakup depression ... you know how it goes, most likely. But through it all, I was proud of myself for being NC, starting immediately after the break-up (I had never done NC after past relationships, and always ended up making a huge fool of myself, and didn't want to do it again). I don't think I need to describe the pain I was in because most of you have felt it and know what it's like to cry all night, not sleep, and not eat.

 

I started to feel slightly better during the second week of NC, as I started to recognize the relationship for what it was - an intense mutual infatuation. I realized that we smothered each other, almost worshipped each other to a point, and rushed into a relationship way too fast. We were happy, but he was right - I too needed time to focus on myself, my friends, and my family. I was still sad, but I realized that I was alive and that I could function without him.

 

Post-Breakup Phase Two: He Comes Back … Sorta of nowhere one day, he sent me a text message asking how I was doing. I was floored and responded that I was fine, asking him how he was. He said that he had been having a lot of trouble sleeping without me and asked if he could come over and talk about things. I was hesitant to let him back in after all the progress I had been making and told him maybe another time would be better. He started texting me daily asking me to hang out, and one day I felt so confident (mostly because I felt like I was finally the one in control) that I agreed. We caught up and he apologized for hurting me (not once did he mention getting back together, however). He ended up spending the night.

 

He started asking me to spend the night every night, and I only obliged him a couple times. I felt more independent and confident than I had in a long time, but I was scared of falling for him again, as I wasn't sure what his intentions were with wanting to hang out every night. The nights I did spend with him were incredible and happy. I felt like we had a newfound respect for each other that we had been losing towards the end of the relationship. It was nice knowing that we could open up to each other without the possibility of a petty fight ensuing.

 

Post-Breakup Phase Three: Moving Too Fast: I don't know how or why it happened, but hanging out two nights a week became hanging out every night. It then became hanging out every day and every night.

 

He started taking me out on dates and calling me "baby" and holding my hand in public and introducing me as his "girl" and before I knew it, it was just like it had been before we had broken up.

 

We were together 24/7, and "I love you" became a common phrase to hear and to say once again. I was happy and content, until...

 

Post-Breakup Phase Four: "I'm Freakin' Out!": I realized the position I put myself in. I realized I was putting myself in a position to get hurt again - hey, if he dumped me out of the blue once, why wouldn't he do it again?

 

I brought my concerns to his attention - how I hated that we weren't officially together and how he was allowed to see other people if he wanted to. He just shrugged it off and kissed me and told me to not worry about it.

 

I spent the next couple of days absolutely freaking out, realizing that I had done the thing I had promised myself I wouldn't do - I had fallen for him again, without any guarantees of a future.

 

I was so absolutely terrified of getting hurt again that I did the most immature thing I have ever done - I purposefully hurt him/made him jealous. I got drunk, went to a club with Justin, and left with another boy. I made sure Justin saw me leave with this other boy. Subconsciously, I think I was trying to hurt him before he hurt me again - I think I was trying to sabotage the relationship so I didn't look like an idiot when he broke it off again. I realize within hours that this is the lowest and most horrible option I could have possibly taken to get out, but by this time, this other boy has already kissed me and I know it's too late. I messed up. I absolutely loathe myself for it.

 

Justin was heartbroken and furious with me the next day, and I understood. I spent all day crying and trying to apologize via text/phone, but he wouldn't hear it ... until about midnight, when he asked if he could come over to talk.

 

He came over and I tried to explain myself again, and this time he forgave me. He told me that he understood where I was coming from - that strong emotions and alcohol don't make a good mix. He then apologized for "stringing me along" if he wasn't yet sure that he wanted to be in a relationship again. He admitted that he should have just left me alone until he was sure of what he wanted, even though he still had very strong feelings for me.

 

He asked if I wanted to continue dating. I told him "It's your call," and he said "No, it's yours." We finally came to the mutual decision that we should take a break from each other and spend some time alone to think about what we want and need. We held each other and cried and he kissed my forehead and told me that everything would be okay, and not to beat myself up about it. I said something like "It just sucks knowing that this is the last time I'll be this physically close to you" and he said "I don't think it will be." We agreed to keep in touch, and he left, and I felt content. Finally - closure.

 

Post-Breakup Phase Five: Friends With Benefits?!: For about a week after this discussion, we kept in touch on AIM, talking for about 15 minutes a day. Recently he started mentioning that he had been hanging out with a girl in one of his classes that had had a crush on him for a long time (I've known of this girl for a long time, but they've never started hanging out until now). I asked if they were dating and if he liked her, and he said that they weren't dating and that she wasn't really his type. "She just has a little schoolgirl crush on me; nothing's going to happen," he kept saying.

 

A stupid switch went off in my head that I could possibly permanently lose him to this chick, and I easily coerced him into bed that day – REALLY dumb, right? We agreed to continue sleeping together - no strings attached - until one of us got involved with someone else, sort of to hold each other over. After some of the best, most angry sex of my life, there was minimal cuddling and minimal affection ... I think both of us forced ourselves to be that way.

 

I have attempted to get in touch with him since, and have heard nothing. This is the first time ever that he hasn't responded to my phone calls/texts/IMs.

 

Now: What the Bleep is Going On?: I thought at first that he was using this new girl to make me jealous, but now that he's not talking to me I'm not so sure. I'm almost certain they're seeing each other, at this point.

 

Moreover, I feel like I’m in a strange position where it’s not clear who’s the victim in this relationship – yes, he dumped me, but I’m the one who hurt him immaturely when we were possibly on the path to getting back together.

 

I know I should start NC today (and I’m going to), but this just hurts SO BAD to know that I’m the one that messed everything up the second time around and to know that for the first time in my life, he’s ignoring me. A big part of me feels like I should tell him once and for all how I feel about him, and tell him I want to work things out. Does he feel used? Is it possible that I hurt him more than he hurt me? Or am I delusional? He dumped ME! However, after the night I kissed another boy, he told me that he had wanted to be with me up until that point ... was he just trying to guilt-trip me? Again ... HE dumped ME!

 

I can’t stop crying. My question is - is NC the best call right now? (I know all of you are going to say yes, haha, but I could definitely use the encouragement!) Or should I tell him I still want to try to work things out?

 

I'm sorry this is sooo long!,

Ladyface

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

Sorry you're going through such a tough time - I think it's over, and I think you need time away from each other (see, you KNEW I would say that!). It's just that you seem to be tearing each other up, and neither together nor apart. It's the worst of all options, because it's keeping you stuck in this never/never land, with some hope of it working out, but not really.

 

You have both made mistakes, you should just give yourselves a break and move on. I think also it seems to be that you're getting progressively worse around each other - angry sex, no contact etc. You're slowly running this into the ground, and if you carry on I think you might end up hating each other.

 

Go for a period of no contact, and try to focus on yourself and what you want from life. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a chance to heal and learn from this.

 

Good luck!

[Magic_star829]

As I was reading the first two paragraphs I felt like it was me who had written them. Until the 3rd...then It was all new. I also was broken up with out of the blue, after about 4months (also intense). I did NC from the begginning, and he called and left a message on my phone saying he knew I probably didn't want to talk to him but he was going to stop by because he had to talk to me and it was important! Never saying what it was about, just left me hangning. I broke NC just to tell him NOT to come over, I didn't want to see or talk to him. (I knew It would break me all over again just even to see him). Now...I don't think you messed anything up that wasn't already that way. I think you should just initiate NC(for good this time) and move on. You deserve better. I know it's hard...trust me I know..but you know as well I as I, that you will heal better, and be better off in the long run.

[Mavis VDSande]

I can’t stop crying. My question is - is NC the best call right now? (I know all of you are going to say yes, haha, but I could definitely use the encouragement!) Or should I tell him I still want to try to work things out?

 

You shouldn't tell him anything. I know you feel guilty for what you did with the other guy but at that point it was J's call to come back to you and say that it was time to try and patch things up. If he wasn't willing to fight for you at that point, then the best thing you can do is hold your head high and walk on forwards.

 

No one deserves to be "friends with benefits" and you don't need to hear stuff about some other girl that will make you feel hurt. Now he is probably keeping you hanging on a thread because he knows you WILL TAKE IT.

 

Well if are willing you take it (and right now prob true - as you are willing to re-explain to him to see if he understands the situation - trust me, he does) - then what kind of message are you sending him? A message that says "I am willing to wait around, even after I blatantly walked off with another guy - and you just got angry but didn't come back to me for good".

 

You deserve better but until you see that, he will treat you in this way - blowing hot and cold. Sometimes the best thing is really to walk forward and don't look back!

[Ladyface]

Thanks for your words, guys ... I know that if I were somebody else reading my post, I'd say the exact same things! Why is it so darn tough to take your own advice?!

 

Starting today, it's NC for good. *sigh* That's really tough to say, but I know I have to do it - for his sake and for my own.

[Mavis VDSande]

Starting today, it's NC for good. *sigh* That's really tough to say, but I know I have to do it - for his sake and for my own.

 

For your own sake only girl!!!!

[Ladyface]

Haha, yeah yeah

 

Also, I should clear up that I had no intentions of continuing to sleep with him if he even showed interest in another girl. The last time we slept together he still said that I was the only romantic interest in his life, assuring me that he wasn't into this new girl at all.

 

Since he hasn't been talking to me recently, I'm thinking his feelings have changed ... and if they have, good luck to him ... he can have fun with his rebound!

[Magic_star829]

That's the spirit!!