how to handle this one...

[b2761]

became interested in a friend romantically, but that interest was one- sided I think. But we stayed friends though I carried a bit of a torch- But now I feel like lately I haven't been treated very well as a friend (it's the kind of thing where she'll chat when we're somewhere we both have to be, but if I suggest seeing a film together, she declines). So now I am inclined to step far back for awhile myself.

 

But we're involved in a group where we see each other three times a week, so I can't go totally NC. If I'm a little more distant to her than I was, I suspect she'll pick up on that and may ask why (I actually started this already and she seemed to notice the change but didn't say anything. I didn't blow her off- we chatted a bit when she approached me. But I didn't seek out the conversation and was a little cooler.)

 

What to say to protect dignity and not have a scene? I don't want to say the truth "Well, I finally figured out for certain that we were never going to be more than platonic friends, and lately you haven't been a great one of those either, so I need to keep my distance from you til I get used to the idea." So what's a casual substitute? "I got the feeling you were stepping back on our friendship, so I figured I should do the same?" Too blunt? "I've been busy lately." ?

[friscodj]

Hey B-

 

It sounds like your deeper feelings are making you more sensitive to what you perceive to be rejection in the way of the expression, or lack thereof, of her feelings as indicating her feelings not matching yours and/or she senses your deeper feelings and senses some associated weirdness because of that, and maybe her own confusion with this realization.

 

It sounds to me like you are on the verge of stepping into the Relationship Game-Playing Stadium here, trying to send and read signals and such, even considering feeding her the BS "busy" line. The time for all that is passed I think and I strongly suggest you come clean with your feelings on the situation perhaps. Perhaps ask how she feels about the situation you guys are in together right now. You're not really putting yourself out there too much but you are still addressing the underlying issue of your apparent confusion here head-on. If it comes down to it, just tell her you feel things getting weird between you two and think it best if you made some distance.

 

Anything short of directness here and things are going to get weirder and more confusing for you. Just do it man...for your freedom and peace of mind if nothing else...

 

At any rate, I'd err on the side of bluntness here...

[Beec]

I do not know if I can disagree more with friscodj.

 

First of all, we are never under any obligations to tell anyone else about how we feel, unless and until we are in relatonship, a romantic one which at times does require come. So don't feel like you have a duty to come clean about how you feel.

 

Your feelings should not ever be thought of as something that will change her feelings, at least in a positive way. Your actions may, if you demonstrate that you care about things and have some character. But, if you think that because you feel a certain way about anything that someone else should too, you might also think that the solar system stopped revolving around the sun and now circles your body. Thinking that how you feel should change how someone else feels is self-centered, in a big way. Actually, taking care of someone with disregard for the consequences to you, and that may change how someone feels about you, but that's about how you are acting.

 

I would suggest that you simply act a bit more aloof. How she has treated you has become to significant to you. When she has rejected you, you seem to have taken it personally, and it might or might not be. But by letting it show, you seem to thrive on or want her approval and/or acceptance. Don't let that show. If you are aloof from someone that need not mean cold or unfriendly, it just needs to mean that what they do and say does not affect you.

 

It may very well be that your not being aloof to her actions and words has sunk your chances with her. We go for the people that give us emotional fulfillment AND does so while remianing aloof and independent, not needy or clingy. And if doing that is playing a game, play on. Because if doing that attracts someone to you doesn't that mean the person who was so attracted enjoyed how they were being treated, and wants to be treated that way again. Shouldn't we treat people how they want to be treated.

 

Moreover, the way you have been treating her has been getting you what? Nothing good.

[b2761]

thanks for your responses. I need to digest them before responding fully, but you both make some great points.

[Beec]

thanks for your responses. I need to digest them before responding fully, but you both make some great points.

 

Well, we definitely come at it with different ideas.

 

In the end, you need to find what fits you. Some people play more games than I will, and for different reasons. Others, play them without consciously admitting to doing so. A few, imo, may play none. You can change yours, but you also need to figure out what's right for you.

 

Good luck.

[friscodj]

I do not know if I can disagree more with friscodj.

 

And I don't know if I could disagree with you more Beec. This is good...we're even then...

 

God forbid we we be more direct with each other. What a terrible thing...oh the horror...

 

Do you want to essentially tip-toe through a minefield, trying to locate and diffuse the mines, figuring out how to dance around them when you could be simply getting yourself out of the whole war? Is this person worth your time and energy to play games and continue to do so?

 

Don't you want an answer here? Do you want this situation and your role in the play here to consume your life? Do you want it to bring and continue bringing negative energy to it and weigh on your mind, tying it up when you could be deciding to cut this thing clean and be done with it all?

 

And haven't you already starred in the play? Why play a different role now? What is it going to gain you? Move this thing off Broadway already...

 

I guess it does come down to the type of person you are and how you see things. I think at any rate this situation is not that serious and you'll be fine no matter what you decide to do.

[Beec]

I think it really does come down to who you are and how you think, because:

 

An answer, why would I need an answer? Consume me, it wouldn't, no way. Negative energy? I bring positive energy to everything? This woman would be like a fly, just bound to fall into my venus fly trap, or something like spider's web and tangle herself all up in it. I wouldn't need to push her into it? She'd come willingly, she'd be tempted. Cut thigns clean, why? I'd be out dating other women all the same, while I waiting for her to fall into my trap.

 

Minefields? I'd roll through them like a tank and let them try and blow me up. Not a mone of them would affect me a bit. They couldn't even dent me.

 

There's no war if the other side does no fathom your battle plan until you have already won.

 

Starred? Role? My role is never defined, everything is adlibbed, unpredictable.

[friscodj]

Well B, you continue to get opposing albeit logically sound and eloquent perspectives on your situation.

 

Do you think you have enough to chew on and digest here to help you reach better places with this? I'm sure we could keep going...

[AwdreeHpburn]

well...... I think....I agree with them both.

 

I think maybe you SHOULD back off a bit. Just in case it IS as Frisco says it is and you're perceiving more than what's going on. OR in case your intensity has put her off and she is trying to distance herself.

 

Either way, it can't be a bad thing to back off a bit.

 

BUT - I also think asking her or talking to her about it can't be all that bad an idea either.

[b2761]

I sort of was juggling 'on the one hand' with 'on the other hand' cause of two well-reasoned posts- but what I actually ended up doing (1st get together this evening since my post) was just try to be normal and friendly. And she was the same. And later she gave me a ride home from the get together and asked if I wanted to see a movie in the next couple of days. Which gave me relief from wondering if she was now going to keep me at arm's length. I had been thinking at the time I posted 'we're not even being especially close friends, let alone anything else."

 

So, I think I got a glimpse of what it would be like if the friendship disappeared and I didn't particularly like it. Sure- I would've gotten over it. But as of now, I'm just enjoying the friendship and going to keep up with that (albeit a tad more casually than previously- not to play games, but because I think maybe I was being too possessive, etc. and I need to make that friendship less of a priority in my life). The whole process DID make me form a more realistic, less-idealized picture of her- and that was overdue. I recognize that for romance, I'm going to have to look elsewhere, but I'm glad a friendship I value is going to continue. And I do appreciate the thoughtful advice you all gave, which I did mull over.

[friscodj]

But as of now, I'm just enjoying the friendship and going to keep up with that (albeit a tad more casually than previously- not to play games, but because I think maybe I was being too possessive, etc. and I need to make that friendship less of a priority in my life). The whole process DID make me form a more realistic, less-idealized picture of her- and that was overdue. I recognize that for romance, I'm going to have to look elsewhere, but I'm glad a friendship I value is going to continue.

 

I think taking the step in your realization exhibited by what you wrote here and particularly what I emphasized is more important than having a serious relationship with her as things stood as you described.

 

I think you did good with this, probably the best healthy outcome that could have come of it. Never forget what you wrote here, especially for when you do meet someone you'll have romance with!