I did something so stupid

[pacopaco]

when I started working where I do, I started going out for walks. It turned out the ex moved two blocks from where i work. Now seeing that I had already been walking those blocks, and she'd be at work anyway, I didn't stop my walking. It's not like I'd see her, and I didn't, but I did something so so stupid to myself. I was walking,and decided to "chime" in her apartment. I went up to the metal box and punched the code-SHE ANSWERED! I didn't even hang up, I just ran. now maybe she wasn't home, as I figure you can link up those dialer boxes to a cell phone. Maybe she was at work, i don't know, but i don't think that's the point. but then I got to thinking stupid thoughts. if she is home, then who's car is this and such and such. How could she have lied to me and is now naked with her boss inside there for a lunch quickie. i was thinking these things. There are so many cars on the block, it's a ridiculous thought.

I can't wait to move out of here on the 15th, but why now am I starting to deteriorate? I have access to phone records, and I see they call each other at weird times of the night for a long time. He calls during the day while they're working, which seems pretty obssesive and lame to me. Some of the calls occur after she called me! Booty Call? Sure, or who cares, i know. Everytime I spoke with her she said it was strictly work after her affair with him, and that she satys clear away from him out of the office-YEAH RIGHT!

In all of last year, though, I didn't do anything like this, why now? I feel bad, I hurt myself today and what a waste it all is for so much time invested. I guess i just need for someone to tell me something, or at least (so that I'll listen) beat me on the side of the head with a cell phone!

[need2bme]

Dude, I have a cell phone and I am not afraid to use it. I will smack the living hell outta you....

 

Hey, don't worry, we have all done stupid stuff and I don't really consider that as being stupid. I hung out at the end of my exes street once, and I just cried and cried.

 

Just this past weekend, I went to the apartment complex I had my apartment in, when the current ex came back the last time. It is also the place I never should have left to move in with her in the condo she bought, but I digress.

 

I actually went to talk with the manger, who remembered me and who consoled me as I told a fairly complete stranger what had happened. The funniest part of this is that the apartment I used to live in is now vacant AND I never changed my drivers license, so it still has that address on it.

 

How wild is that? If I did not owe my boss time at this job, since he is my friend and he hired me contingent on the fact that I would hang around for a while AND I hadn't already paid an arm and a leg to move my stuff here, I would have totally moved in there again. I actually miss that place.

 

The manager told me she was superstitious and since bad stuff happened there, I would have to get a different apartment.

 

See, we all do crazy stuff. You probably still have some letting go to do, but then again, so do we all. Just hang in there and try not to obsess.

[breeze33]

I empathize with you. You are not alone! I did a stupid stuff the other day by breaking NC (I was doing so good!) and emailing my ex. So far he hasn't responded and I feel I have gone backwards.

 

We all do stupid stuff after the breakup. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

apply NC now as much as possible including looking up her phone records. Man, you're torturing yourself! You had a life before her, just remember that.

[Juliana]

Everybody does this stuff. Call up and listen to the other person breathe. It's crazy, cause it hurts, but it's also good, because it's the big reality slap we all need sometimes: She's not with you. Check again: Nope, still not with you.

 

It's hard. Don't be too critical of yourself. But it hurts like a sunnuvagun, so you might want to consider not doing it too much, because the pain of the reality check can actually push you back in your healing, and put you in "unhealthy places."

[pacopaco]

thanks for this. I know i was hurting myself. I think all this anger is coiming out of me as I am getting ready to leave the apartment we once shared. I'm feeling anger, loss, and well, cheated. I know that these feelings have nothing to do with her, and that they are mine. I guess i'm just going through another phase in healing. I have had NC for a month now, and she hasn't called or emailed either after my request to not speak anymore, but still I wonder if she's going through similar emotions etc. I'm just angry!