Bottled up

[Hazel_Eyes]

Hi, I needed to talk to someone about this, and it's just hard for me to talk about to anyone. (It is not about someone who i was in a relationship, but i desperatey didnt know who to talk to)

Bear in mind that it had taken me a year after it happened to tell my previous boyfriend of 4years, and the same amount now of my current boyfriend.

 

This was two years ago, and i was 16. I was going through this Wicca stage, and thought of joining some sort of group so i could talk to people about it.

I emailed around on WitchVox, a site online, and found this website that looked good.

So i joined them, and started talking to the guy who owned it.

I'd been talking to him for a few months before i realised he lived near me and he invited me to come down to Camden Town, where i love going anyways.

 

I had only seen him twice, just chatting about this group he was apart of and what they were about etc etc and he seemed good to talk to.

I remember him telling me he was off to scotland in the next week, so invited me round to his mum's house to see his samuri sword collection, which i thought nothing of since i trusted this guy.

 

Now, things from here, for me are mixed up, and i cant tell anymore what parts did happen, and which parts i just wish in my head id done, but heres how i remember it.

 

We got to his house, and i remember there being a point in the conversation about being part of this group, which didnt have a name, and the thing about this was that when 'connecting' with the 'gods' 'goddesses' going 'Skyclad' as he called it (being naked) was the thing the whole group done to show trust.

I wasn't too sure, but i dont know how, but he was very persuasive, so i agreed that i would try it, just him and me in the room. Which i know sounds stupid, but i truly believed it was innocent, and to make sure it was, and sat really far away from him, so there would be NO funny business.

 

Anyways, next i know is that he got closer to me to show me this book, he then discarded the book and proceeded to pin me to the bed.

I told him it wasnt right and i had a boyfriend, and i didnt like him.

He replied with 'but i love u, and i want to have u before i go'

 

For the next half an hour i struggled to get free from him, whilst he touched me, and i managed to keep 'him' from getting his own way.

 

He only subsided when he got a call and his mum insisted he take it.

Which is when i jumped at the chance to get dressed and make a brake for it.

I walked a huge majority of the way home, freezing and tearful of what he'd done.

I locked everything away, and i first of pretended it never happened, until the next year came around of once hed done it.

 

I didnt speak about it until a year later, which was to one person, my boyfriend at the time.

 

I have only ever told two people, and that him, and my current boyfriend.

 

I keep going over it in my head and i just think its my fault and that i should of tried harder to get away/

I keep visualising what happened, as what i should of done, and not what really happened.

 

The story i told to both people was that he had tried to, and he had never got my clothes off or done those things, i told them i kneed him where it hurt, just so that their judging eyes wouldnt think too less of me.

 

I cant even bring myself to tell anyone that i know the truth, because i fear theyll hate me, or think i shouldnt of told someone, done something more.

 

I have a very low self esteem and every time i go to blame that bastard, it just depresses me again, and again

 

I just need to know that this is normal to think this way, and that im not the only person who feels this way.](*,)

 

Hazel_Eyes

[DN]

It is absolutely normal to blame yourself. Many victims do.

 

But it is a mistake.

 

It was not your fault. In any way.

 

It is really important that you believe that for it is the absolute truth.

[Hazel_Eyes]

It is hard to though, It's been so long though, that i just cant think otherwise/

 

But it is a relief to hear that, thank you so much

[Boughs]

mmm. Just wanted you to remember that verbalizing problems tends to help put relief to the situaiton.

 

"It was not your fault. In any way." remember that.

[DN]

But you can think otherwise.

 

Realise that you can either allow this creep to affect the rest of your life or you can decide that he took advantage of you and your youthful naiveté and that the only person to blame is him.

 

If someone stole from you or mugged you would you blame yourself for that? Of course not. This is the same thing. When someone does something bad to you the blame is wholly theirs.

 

Do not think you have to forgive yourself - you have done nothing for which you need forgiveness.

 

You have control over your own mind here - use that control wisely.

[Boughs]

Definitely. Remember you are in control of your memory of this event. You can come to terms with the situation. Some people tend to use situations like this to stimulate a sad moment and create depression. "hey I could get depressed about this or, i could stop crying, remember what happened, the guy was a jerk, I made a mistake. Time to move on, and if I ever see this guy again I'll kick him in the nuts"

 

Don't lose yourself over this. Remember some people lose themselves to these types of things... do you want to say "yeah this guy took advantage of me but I overcame it" or do you want to be that sad willow at 40 "I was taken advantage of a long time ago, I can never get past it."

 

Again, people tend to like the "pity me" attitude. It does get you attention but also remember that attention fades because of it... as it is a loaded situation.

[Hazel_Eyes]

Thank you guys, that is honestly priceless information. I never would of thoought of it that way, although it may take a lil while, but im sure i can do that.

This is the type of info i needed, that people close to you cannot provide.

 

I have to go to bed now, exam in the morning, but thanks SO much

 

Hazel_Eyes

[JimmerJammer]

The story i told to both people was that he had tried to, and he had never got my clothes off or done those things, i told them i kneed him where it hurt, just so that their judging eyes wouldnt think too less of me.

 

wouldn't think too less of you? Anyone who would think that has ISSUES because there is no way any mature human being would ever think that. If they ever did, they are immature and would never be the type of person to confide in.

 

what happened didn't happen because you chose to and I've never experienced what you went through, but enough tells me I'd never wish that upon myself or others. That's as blunt and obvious as it gets.

 

Now its really unfortunate that you had to go through that and a clear sense of identity will help you a lot. It'd be hard to judge how difficult that would be for you, but when no one else gives a damn about someone, we're the only ones that are left to look out for ourselves. Remember that. You tell someone and they look down on you? What does that say about THEM! Say you manage to turn yourself around and build that self-esteem you say you lack, are you going to be like "hey ___ I did this for you!" or would you rather say "Hey I did this for me, I don't care what you think!"

 

I honestly never understood why I cared so much about what others thought, I mean I never even went through what you had gone through and yet I still felt myself distant, scared and bottled up in other ways. Once I was able to look past anyone else and look to myself, I discovered how to love myself and yes this is important.

 

Its funny but all I've ever noticed is that most of the public wants something from everyone else that those same people want from everyone else. They never look to themselves to give it, but want someone else to give it to them. So its always a case of "I have my own problems, go bug someone else". Or when you work extra hard to make it or help fix your problems, those same people will look at you like they're upset that you managed to do it and they haven't.

 

So are you the only person to think this way? No, but like everyone else you do have a choice. Its up to you whether or not you see it or whether you walk blindy infront of it.