Seeking advice

[nero2000]

Hey everyone,

 

Its been a while since I've posted here! The last time here I was feeling pretty down ... well nothing much has changed except that I'm on medication now and it seems to help a bit - but not so much that I don't get upset on a weekly basis.

 

I'm concerned not only for my own well-being, but that of my boyfriends. My consistent negative behavior has taken a toll on him. He can't handle my getting upset over little things, making huge deals out of everything, taking things he says the wrong way and writing it off as a personal attack on me. Once again I'm desperate for some advice on how to remedy myself.

 

My big problem is I'm a terribly emotional person. I cry very easily. My crying all the time is such an issue - I can't seem to control it. My bf says he just doesn't know what to do anymore, he becomes defensive if I cry because it feels like I'm blaming him for something every time. He becomes defensive - I get more upset.

 

I don't have any friends where I live ... so that doesn't help matters. I need to know how to become more independent, as I feel I'm smothering my bf. If he goes out with his friends, I shouldn't feel jealous or upset that he didn't invite me - but I do. I feel like I have a self esteem problem. I take every little thing and make it out to be a huge problem, I dwell on things too much and worry a lot, and I can't take criticism without it feeling like an attack on me.

 

That being said, I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this or is going through it. How do you change your thought process so you're not worrying and over analyzing everything? How do you not cry over every little thing? How do you stop depending so much on your bf/gf and become an independent individual? How do you change anything?? It certainly doesn't seem like an easy thing to do as I've been trying for quite some time now with minimal results.

[nadine_3110]

I do that too, though not as often as before. I like to write my feelings down in my journal. Maybe you could try that, everytime you feel jealous, or angry, or you feel like crying over the littlest thing, write it down. Then later, when you're cooled off, take a look at what you wrote, then maybe you'll see how minimal it was, how it won't change your life whatsoever, that there's really nothing to be upset about.

 

Hope that helps a bit,

Good luck!

[herenow]

Have you tried counseling? It may help you to understand where your deep-seated feelings of low-self-esteem are coming from, so you don't blame your boyfriend for things that don't belong to him.

 

Also, how long have you been working at changing your thought processes? I've been at it for ten years solid and finally am okay. I really had a LOT of things to examine and change. Finally got to a point where I could choose a good partner (now my wonderful husband) and we work on things together--I help him with his issues, he helps me with mine. Don't be hard on yourself if you have to keep working at it--you WILL succeed as long as you don't give up.

 

Do you have a spiritual outlook and a place you can go to learn how God can help you win this mental battle? "For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

[Celadon]

Hey nero. I've struggled with emotions too. One of my friends from high school used to ask me, "Are you HAPPY???" It didn't sink on my till years later that, no, I HADN'T been happy. It wasn't about independence or not relying so much on someone. It was about taking care of my needs and enjoying myself. I felt insecure, and part of the reason was that I didn't know how to meet my own needs. So I always depended on others to make me happy, entertain me, help me feel secure, etc.

 

I don't know if there are deeper issues in your life that you need to deal with (we all have deeper issues, it seems!) but aside from that, you can do things to make yourself feel happier. When you're happier, you won't need to cry so much.

 

Are you lonely? Do you have women friends? If not, maybe you can take some baby steps towards developing them, like join a class that sounds like fun.

 

Go for a walk. Sometimes we are not emotionally depressed so much as physically out of sync. You'll have more energy after you exercise (if you don't already).

 

Do you like to listen to music? I find music a great mood enhancer. I love the Beach Boys (very happy, silly music) and the new soundtrack to the movie Music & Lyrics is a kick.

 

Do you like to explore? Sometimes we get depressed because we're bored! I love to learn odd little things, or see something for the first time. Even people-watching at the park or mall can make you feel life is more interesting. You don't have to change in huge leaps and bounds. Often the very simplest action can make a big difference.

 

I also agree with with herenow that a spiritual foundation is very helpful in life. When you believe there is Someone larger than you who is in control and cares about you, you don't feel so out of control. Take care! Hope some of this helps a little.