Hurt betrayed resentful

[missklew]

Something happened between the bf and I and I am feeling so hurt, betrayed, and resentful I don't know how to deal with it or move on from it.

 

I am supposed to be moving to his country in 3 months. This has been planned for over a year and the year has been a very difficult one and I have worked very hard to be able to do this. Our relationship has been going on for 2 1/2 years.

 

I had planned on just renting a place as he didn't have his own place but knew he was looking for his own place and had it in the back of my mind that if he had his own place I could stay with him which would makes things a lot easier for me to get established in a new country.

 

He tells me last week he finally found a place to stay and I was so happy for him as he has been looking for a long time. I thought I would wait until he got settled in before talking to him about me staying there with him for awhile when I moved there. I was still thinking about getting my own place but a few weeks with him while I look would be extremely helpful.

 

So two days later he is talking about moving to the new apartment and he announces that his sister is moving in with him. I said well what about me? I thought I would be staying with you for a bit when I got there. He told me he assumed we'd have separate places. This part was going on in text so I didn't want it to continue in text so I called him to talk. He said that he owed his sister a huge favor for letting him stay with her the past year and he couldn't just kick his sister out in the street. The thing is she has a place to stay! She isn't being forced to move and certainly wouldn't be out in the street! Plus I have done heaps for him too!

 

I don't know how it happened but he managed to smooth things over with me but I still wasn't allowed to stay there.

 

I guess I feel like he calls the shots and I just have to go along with it as just because it is what he wants and I just have to accept it.

 

I forgot to bring it up but I don't see why the two of us could have stayed there?

 

Another thing that burns me up is that I know how it will be when I get there as this is what he has done before. He will hang out at my place 247 expecting me to play wifey for him and do all the things a wife would do. I do want to do those things but I think he needs to meet my needs too and not just one sided.

 

The next day I asked him if he felt confident about our relationship. He said he didn't know as everything always turns out badly for him and he expects the worse. I said what do you mean the worse, like I would break up with you or something and he said, I dunno I guess.

 

It has been 3 days since I have heard from him nor have I tried to contact him. He has no idea how hurt I am over this as last talk it was temporarily smoothed over but the anger, hurt, and resentment has just built up in me over the past few days since this went down.

 

I feel it would be like telling him yeah you can come to my country and visit and do everything I want to do but you have to stay in a hotel. How insulting!

 

So what I am asking is how do I convey how hurt I am about this? My plans are still going on like usual but some part of me doesn't even want to move there anymore.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Wow, what a change that will be for you to move to a new country! Congradualtions!

 

I went back and looked at your other threads from the past and this one popped out at me, from November 6th...

 

"I really don't know how I could have prevented this or saw it in advance.

 

The bf and I got to talking again over the weekend.

 

Still there were some things nagging at me.

 

We had never really discussed our living arrangements when I move there. I just thought we'd be living together. So I thought it would be a good idea to ask so we could plan for it.

 

So I asked him what his plans were after I moved there. If he was planning on living with me.

 

He said no, he planned on living by himself if he could find a place.

 

I was flabbergasted!

 

I asked him why and he said because he likes being solitary."

 

Okay, so was it assumed because you guys are together you would be shacking up with him? Did you both come up with a solution? This discussion happened over two months ago. What I would suggest is talking to him again and come up with an agreement as to how long you will stay at his place until you find your own place OR can you look via internet for places now? This is a very big deal and having living arragements is pretty important. I would try to call him again and see what you both can work out.

 

I am so sorry this is happening so close to when you move. Keep me updated.

 

(((hugs)))

[missklew]

Jeffrey, thanks. I almost feel guilty to break up with him as just 2 days ago he told me that is what he feared unless it was some sort of unconscious manipulative ploy on his part????? You are right. I have been so good to this man! I have scraped and sacrificed heaps to make this happen. It is also hard as I have had the mindset of moving to another country for over a year, preparing myself mentally I suppose.

 

kellbell, thanks for the reminder. Yes I guess I thought since I was renting my own place and he frequently complained about living with his sister, I would just invite him to live with me back then. I made those plans to rent my own place as I wasn't counting on him having his own place by the time I moved there.

 

Yes it was assumed we would be shacking up as every other time I have been there he has pretty much lived with me. The longest period of time was 3 months and he was there 247 and lived with me, did chores with me and the whole nine yards. I was there in September but only for 2 weeks and he stayed with me 247 again. He went grocery shopping for me and I cooked for him. So it doesn't make a bit of sense in my mind for him to say one thing and his actions say the opposite?

 

If I can get over my anger I will have to decide if I am still moving there or not but if I do, our relationship will be very different. I would probably put it back to just dating and might even want to see other men. If he wants this, he has to step up and do something. He just can't sit there and think he is going to get all of the benefits of marriage without having to a thing for it. That is what I get for being too kind.

 

Another sad part is he has no idea how hurt and angry I am about this as he thinks after our talk, everything is fine.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

"Yes it was assumed we would be shacking up as every other time I have been there he has pretty much lived with me.

 

Okay, I was in a very similar situation last year. I was living in Connecticut and my now boyfriend lives in Colorado. We met via internet and I flew out here in Feb. 2006 to meet him. It was easier for me to travel instead of him. Plus, I was planning to move at some point anyhow. When I came out here to visit, yes, I stayed with my boyfriend. We discussed that before I came out the first time and agreed I would stay with him instead of a hotel. And we did all those things you mentioned, shopping, cooking, etc. After the first time I came out here, I knew I wanted to move here and be exclusive with him.

 

I came out here 3 times after Feb. 2006. The final time I came out here, I secured a place to live. I looked on link removed and found possible places and my boyfriend took me to see them and then I made my final choice. I made it perfectly clear I did not want to live my boyfriend right off the bat when I eventually made to Colorado nor did I want to stay at his place while I found a place. Plus, I had no idea where I would put my things. We discussed all this in great detail before I came out here. I stood to lose A LOT to lose if things were to remain "wishy-washy."

 

"The longest period of time was 3 months and he was there 247 and lived with me, did chores with me and the whole nine yards. I was there in September but only for 2 weeks and he stayed with me 247 again. He went grocery shopping for me and I cooked for him. So it doesn't make a bit of sense in my mind for him to say one thing and his actions say the opposite?"

 

The point here I believe you are missing is that STAYING with someone is so different than LIVING with someone. And you would be living with him for some extent when you looking for a place. Maybe he is afraid once you stay with him while you are looking that perhaps you may get complacent and not look for a place at all or not look hard enough and then want to stay for good. When I visited my boyfriend while I was still in Connecticut had no reality at all. We went places, we were not working (we took time off from our jobs so I can visit), it was like a vacation. Plus, there was that underlying fact that I would be returning home within a week so we made the best of the time we had. That is so different than living with the person. Or even having daily accesabilty to that person.

 

So, forgive me if I am off but don't you think you are relying on your boyfriend a bit much for this move? That is a big assumption on your part that you would crash at his place when you eventually move out there. And moving to another country...that is a HUGE risk. I mean, my boyfriend I spent countless hours on the phone (8 hours a night sometimes), IM'ing, webcams, visited him 4 times...we still did not know each other well enough. I made that mistake in the past and I just did not want to make it again.

 

I understand you are angry and hurt, but I cannot help to feel your anger is a bit misplaced. Assumptions are very very risky. Is there any way you can make living arragements before you arrive in his country. Did you get a chance to looks a possible prospects when you visited. Is there a way to go out there one more time to secure up a place? Reading your previous threads about this matter reveals that your boyfriend did not decisively say you can stay with him and even questioned the future of your relationship.

 

I just feel some wrinkles need to be ironed out before things can progress. I really hope this all works out because I understand the time, money and mental preparation is going into this move.

[missklew]

Yes, I can still rent my own place as that is what I had originally planned.

 

I see what you are saying. Maybe it is my way of thinking to be helpful and maybe that just isn't how everyone thinks.

 

It also may turn out that I would be the one uncomfortable with it. He might get on my nerves or something!

 

Yes he did say that about our relationship then but he has since then made it clear he wants me and wants me there.

 

Still, I don't plan to let him take advantage of me either.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"It also may turn out that I would be the one uncomfortable with it. He might get on my nerves or something!"

 

Exactly! LOL And when/if that happens, you will have your own place to go to when things cool off. I am a firm believer getting to know someone while having your OWN space. While it may seem like you know your boyfriend well now, when you get to his country and spend time with him on a more mundane, everyday level...you will discover you have a lot you do not know about him...the same goes for him. And the worse thing you can do is have that happen while you living together.

 

"Yes he did say that about our relationship then but he has since then made it clear he wants me and wants me there."

 

That is a relief! I would go ahead and rent your own pad. Again, I wish you all the best!

[missklew]

I'm still angry and hurt though. I think that he could do more to help me.

 

We both frequently say negative things as we are both rather negative people. I say things about our relationship too that are very negative. Thankfully 99.5% of the negative things I think he never hears!

 

I ask from time to time if he still wants me there. It is probably annoying but being apart for months at a time messes with my head.

 

I do have a time limit on this relationship though. If I don't get a job and so on in his country in the time I have alloted to stay there, I will end the relationship as there really would be no point to it anymore if we couldn't be together.

 

Thanks for the well wishes!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"I'm still angry and hurt though. I think that he could do more to help me."

 

I totally understand. You are giving up A LOT to be with him, you are taking HUGE risks...and you expect and need his support. Even though this is your move and so forth...you will need some emotional support if anything. Perhaps that is what you are looking for. Not sure.

 

Why are you negative?

[missklew]

Yes emotional support would be good.

 

I just have a somewhat negative mind set.

[kellbell]

Ah I see. What you are doing is very risky but that is not necessarily a bad thing...you got guts girl!! This is very positive.

[missklew]

Ah I see. What you are doing is very risky but that is not necessarily a bad thing...you got guts girl!! This is very positive.

 

Thank you.

[kellbell]

Your welcome! I am very interested in how things go when you move.

[missklew]

Thanks, I'll be posting.

 

I gave myself a pep talk. I have been letting negative situations, people, and my own fears get to me.

 

I'm focusing on my preparations for the move.

 

Still haven't heard a peep from the bf. He knows where I am.

[kellbell]

I have to say, when I moved cross-country...it was one of the BEST experiences in my life. My mom drove the moving truck and I drove my car with my kitty in the back seat. We had the BEST time and absolutely nothing went wrong during the move. I prepared for this move for months and I was more than ready to do this.

 

This is going to be a great thing for you. I have a feeling you have been preparing for this for quite some time and when you prepare financially, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally...nothing but positive things will happen. This is going to be an exciting time for you and your boyfriend. But also a bit trying and bumpy at times. But from my experience, all the risks and sacrifices I have made thus far, have been worth it! I pray the same for you.

 

Cheers!