unresolved issues

[FA18]

perhaps a dumb question, but I will ask anyway. Obviously, there are reasons people split. If the person being dumped, after reflection and thought into the relationship, realizes mistakes that they made, is there any real way to go back to resolve these issues. After a month after my break up, I can see things that I know I did that I regret. I obviously cant change the past, but I really want to, in some way, show the other person that I realize I made mistakes. When you are first dumped, you may say these things, but you really dont understand why you are...you just do anything to fix the problem. Im in NC for almost two weeks, but I want to know if there ever comes a day that I can really communicate my mistakes. Sure, we both made mistakes in the relatioship, but I cant live with myself knowing how much I hurt someone so important to me.

[honeyspur]

I think it depends on your intention. If you truly just want them to know and hope you can go your separate ways in peace, then sit down and start writing these discoveries out. Phrasing it will come naturally due to your intention.

But, if in your heart of hearts, you harbour a hope of getting back together, even if you're not expecting it, I would wait to voice your feelings.

You are coming to some important awarenesses of yourself - this a crucial time to be handled with care. You could possibly disrupt your own progress by contacting her. Think long and hard about your true intention.

It will put you on the right path...

[shes2smart]

Depends on what type of resolution you're looking for.

 

If you feel the need to apologise for your previous mistakes and past behavior and let your ex know you've learned from that, then it might be appropriate to write a brief note apologising and asking for forgiveness -- with no expectation of getting anything in return....not a response, or any sort of contact let alone establishing a non-romantic relationship or getting back together.

 

If you're hoping that your realizations and apology would lead to a reconciliation, you're probably better off keeping it to yourself (or discussing it with a therapist or friend) and NOT contacting your ex.

 

Learn the lessons that relationship provided and use them to do better in your next relationship.

 

When various exes have contacted me to apologise or explain how they'd had some sort of realization about mistakes they'd made, it didn't move me in the least. If they contacted me in such a way that I was forced to interact with them (calling me at work, f'rinstance or just showing up somewhere they knew I'd be), I'd say something along the lines of, "Well, that knowledge should serve you well in the future. I have to go now."

[Cindersam]

I am pretty much in the same mind frame that you are right now but I have been in NC for 2 months. During the past two months I also realized some mistakes that I made while in the relationsip that I stongly feel I would like to tell my ex. I have no idea whether it will make a difference or not. I have no idea if he is seeing someone new. Yes part of me is hoping it may make him think about things and may make a difference but I also know that it may not and I feel I am stong enough at this point to deal with that. Either way I do not want to end a 6 year relationship without at least having said these things. If I never see him again at least I will feel better about everything.

 

I think maybe you should wait a little longer before you say anything and see if it is still important to you at that point. I am in a little different position than you are since it has been 2 months for me not two weeks. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it emotionally after only 2 weeks. Yes NC has helped me heal. I have not healed completely since I still have a little hope. But I am WAY better off than I was 2 months ago and am in a much better position to handle whatever reaction I may get from my ex.

 

Take your time, heal a little first. You will be much better off if you do.