Please help me- i can't seem to accept its over!

[geri]

Hi there

 

My ex and i were together for 4 years. We bought a place together and everything but we hadn't moved in before we broke up first time in February. I broke up with him because - i don't know - i just felt he wasn't committed to the house or us and i was stressed out with it all so i blew up.

 

He went off on hols immediately afterwards and was with someone else. When he came back i called him and he asked me to slow down the break up and talk so we did. He told me about ther because he said he wanted a clean slate.

 

I decided to go to counselling as i wasn't coping with work, house etc well and it went really well. I really got my life together and knew what i wanted - changed jobs, new courses etc. He didn't move in and we saw each other maybe twice a week. The rest of it was our time.

 

Things seemed to be going ok until July. He seemed to be jealous of me and didn't trust the new me. I remained calm and open through all this. Then i think i went wrong - he stayed over one night but got up the next day and informed me he was off with his pals for the day drinking. I was really hurt as i thought we would spend the day together. But i let him off- he knew i was annoyed too.

 

I left it a while and then i rang him to tell him i was annoyed and hurt and wanted to know where we stood. He siad he was seeing noone else, saw me the most, what was my problem. I said i wanted more and to think about it. He went awy for a week and still couldn't tell me so i oushed agin - where are we going with this?

 

He came over - cried for three hours - still couldn't say yes or no but in the end he said he couldn't do it anymore, he loved me but wanted time on his own. I didn't push or plead - just listened.

 

We briefly talked the first week re the house and all - i told him i loved him but i wasn't going to force someone to be with me. Then he mailed me a joke but i was too hurt and ignored it so nothing for the last few weeks.

 

Its a month now and whilst the initial horrible grasping consuming pain is gone, i can't seem to stop thinking aout him and i feel i have tears in my eyes all the time. I'm gone on two dates - looked forward to them and felt sick during them.

 

Oh what do i do? I want this ache to go away - its his Birthday soon too and i'm wondering if i send him a card am i being stupid? I feel awful.

[grantw]

Its my ex's bday this weekend I am like you in many ways..didnt want to be with someone that wasnt fully committed, listened and tried to give her what she needed, time to think...I needed space though, I have confusing things like my mums death and starting my own company and that makes matters worse.

 

My friends have said that she doesnt deserve a card..and even if I did want her back not sending her a card may give her the wake up call she deserves.

 

I dont know really....I think if there are no really hard feellings cool go for it... if not I would leave it.. you could always drop and email or txt instead..

[Senna]

I really understand where your coming from it's the same situation for me as well.

I can't tell you what the right thing is to do because I don't even know that myself I'm starting to think I'll never hear from my ex agian that makes me very sad after five years together but I told her how I felt she knows I still want her so I leave it up to her now no more begging no more phone calls and she won't be getting a birthday card from me it's her birthday soon as well, but if you feel it's the right thing to do for you then do it but I'm not allowing my heart to be broken anymore than it already is and that's what you have to think about if you send a card might you be hoping for an answer-I know I would be that's why I won't be wishing her a happy birthday.

I hope it all works out for you it has to work out for someone on here

[geri]

Thanks for the above messages. I guess we're all the same roundabout wanting to get off but it just keeps going (i'd love to know what twirls it!)

 

I think i will think about it this weekend. I am afraid of rejection but if i send it and he doesn't get back he doesn't - i'm not going to ring him asking why he didn't get back. So that side of things is ok.

 

I guess its if he does get back ..i don't know. Do we give up too easily = whats pride gotta do with things. Imagine you met them in 10 years and they said 'Oh if only you'd got in touch'.

 

And i wish some good would come out of it. Whilst this website is godd - theres not enough happy stories on it. I'd love to hear of somebody's break up working out for the best - either getting back or moving on and being friends. Surely there is one good story out there? Oh pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee be one.

[street]

well its my ex's b'day 2morrow and i have sent her a card through the post, im sure she will phone 2morrow to say thanks..

 

i felt it was the right thing to do as were on good terms even if i do hate her somtimes for hurting me...

 

the hard thing is she is going out for a meal with her family and are friends, going to be hard not being there, but then im sure she will find it hard too..its at the restaurant we always went to as well!!!

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

First of all i'm so sorry that you are going through this and really hope what I'm going to tell you is going to help you.

 

See me not being you, and not being attached to this man like you are...its easy for me to tell you that I would move on to a better life with less stress and less worry.

 

Being single is really not that bad...but if you fear being lonely then you will end up running back to him over and over for this kind of treatment. I see in your letter that you only are focusing on your emotional feelings for him, but not once does it seem like you are seeing how much pain being with him puts you through. You cant see that cause its been four years..so your looking at "Four years of my life gone" or "I'll never love someone like him" or fooling yourself with this line..(havent we all said the next line i'm about to add..." So what he made me sad, half of him is better then none of him....or I'd rather be with him sad, then be without him sad. But if you can be logical about this then you will see that he is not perfect, he is not worth it and obviously sees the relationship differently then you do. How could he love you so much and after this much time you two were together be with someone else..sounds like his commitment you lies somewhere else. If he loved you right then this third party could not have just popped up. I'm not saying that he doesnt love you, all i'm saying is that its hard to see that when he is so damn indecisive. I also know that there isnt enough room on this forum for you to tell me more about him, or everything you have gone through so I know there is always more to the story,...but from what your telling me...and I know you dont' want to hear this..but understand that four years is a while, but its not 28 years or 10 years. Its four, andyou can bounce back from this. I'd say mourn now, and accept this now, then move on...and heal. Then look to a new relationship. But do not linger on this..its only hurting you more, and prolonging the healing process. Cry, hang with as many friends as possible. This is the standard way to get over a break up. There is no escape to the hurt. But once you go through this once, you will not allow youself to let someone do this to you again. So as you can see there is alot to look forward too..you just can't see that right now!