Lonesome Jeff

[Jeffrey2095]

I could go further, but that is pretty much typical. Should I write these people off forever? I feel like a fool almost

 

I am lonely yes, but who needs this?

 

Lonesome Jeff

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Jeffrey - Welcome to ENA! I hope you find some comfort and friends here.

 

I gotta tell you, and I hope to not offend, it is not my intent....

 

But I have recently run into an old friend as well. Back in HS we hung out ALL the time!

 

Right away we were sooo excited to catch up! But he IMMEDIATELY wanted to call ALL the time, talk on the phone...send e-mails....it was too much for me.

 

Our lives our VERY different now and whilst I didn't want to be insensitive to him, it was too much contact from someone I haven't seen in almost 20 years!

 

I have also been in plenty of situations with guys who continually - almost unrelentingly - found some reason to invite me up to their place. That in and of itself, is a bit scary cos...why? Why was me being at their place so important?

 

I wish for you, what you ask of them. You sound as though you wish they could see from your perspective how they're making YOU feel, but you are not seeing from their perspective how they may be feeling.

[Celadon]

I sympathize with you, Jeff. Loneliness can be very painful, and so is rejection. I hope that you will find friends who value and cherish you, and about whom you feel the same.

 

There's something fairly plain to see in reading your post. You have offered close friendship to these people; however, they are not reciprocating in kind. Who knows why? Too busy, maybe. Too many family obligations. Not feeling the same connection with you as you do with them, perhaps. There could be a dozen reasons.

 

Reasons notwithstanding, you have but two options. Continue to hit your head against the wall trying to get them to reciprocate, or move on and befriend other people. I would suggest the latter.

 

I've had friends drift away, and boy can that hurt. Suddenly they are too "busy." Well, so what? Are they the only people on this planet? No, they are not. You need to act for your own happiness' sake. Go and make new friends. Dwelling on ongoing hurts does nothing but bring you down. It accomplishes nothing. We cannot control other people, nor should we want to. We have a responsibility to find happiness for ourselves. If you try one path, and it is not fruitful, simply try another one. That's really how this life works.

[Bethany]

If you keep going back like a puppy, you will keep getting kicked like one. Harsh but true. Why bother?

 

Keep in touch by all means but keep it short or on special occasions like Xmas, birthdays etc. These people are too far removed from you now. Move on Jeffrey and find new friends. Life's too short to live in the past, your future is calling..

 

Have you thought of going to a doctor to see about your depression? Grief should not debilitate you after 23 years, trust me I know, sounds like you need a lift out of there and speaking to a doctor may help you on your way.

 

Don't forget, now you have joined this site, you have just made yourself a member of a forum who really WILL have your best interests at heart. Use us whenever you need us.

[n83]

Jeff,

I couldn't help but notice that you are angry with others for not reciprocating the way you want. Honestly though, I'm not sure what you are expecting from these people. You seem very angry and resentful towards them and I'm not entirely sure it's justified. They are not responsible for your reclusiveness or your happiness, and it's hard to want to communicate with someone if they seem angry and hostile towards you. Have you asked yourself why people are contacting you only minimally? If it's not simply because they are very busy with their own lives, it could be that you're doing something to make them uncomfortable when you talk to them. If it is just that they are busy, then you have to find other ways or other people in your life so that you're less dependent on a small few.

 

You mentioned a girl that was raped and was taking precautions, and a professor that you feel may be too snobbish to talk to you. In all honesty though, do you reasonably expect a woman who was raped to go over to your place just to "please" you? I think she did the right thing and protected her own interests, and I'm surprised that you saw this incident as you did. You also presume that this professor might feel himself too "above" you and thereforeeee not want to talk to you any more. Do you see the pattern of negativity in your thoughts? In both cases, you are a victim and others are just doing things that hurt you. This is a way of perceiving the world that will not help you win people over.

 

If you want things to change, you have to make attempts to be more social and less dependent on others. Have you seen a therapist lately about your depression? It might also help to talk to a therapist about your negative attribution style. If you can learn to think more positively, that will help you deal with things in healthier ways.

[Jeffrey2095]

Well, thanks all of you for your thoughts. Anymore would always be welcome.

[afonselaca]

If you know the girl was raped and has expressed her feelings then it would be wise to respect her wishes as you are her friend. She is obviously still working through the trauma for herself and has a right to decline situations that perhaps would bring negative feelings out or make her feel vulnerable as she is experiencing emotions you likely don't understand. She did offer an alternative meeting place so she wasn't completely turning you away. She is someone you could be empathetic toward instead of expectant of since you have more to give than she does at this time.

 

If the letters you write aren't appreciated in the way you need them to be, that can be hurtful because you setup expectations of the reaction and/or reply you would like to receive. Unfortunately, most people don't take the time to write out lengthy replies and they have no way of knowing what you expect in return.

 

You sound like you love to write. Since this is the internet, you could blog. People might just come along and leave comments on your writings and before you know it you have people who visit your blog frequently. It is a fun way to express yourself and write your thoughts.

[Celadon]

Do you see the pattern of negativity in your thoughts? In both cases, you are a victim and others are just doing things that hurt you. This is a way of perceiving the world that will not help you win people over.

 

I just have to comment in agreement that victimization is a very dangerous way of thinking. I see this thought pattern in a guy that I know who is otherwise very intelligent, funny, observant, generous and more. People who know him on the surface would say he's an all-around great guy.

 

However, he is also controlling, and he expresses that in deciding in his mind how other people should behave. And when they don't behave as he deems is reasonable, he unleashes this fury that is waaaaay out of control. What he doesn't understand is that people are DIFFERENT from him. He may always be punctual, but other people aren't. Their lateness does not mean they hate him or are trying to mess with him. They just suffer from chronic tardiness.

 

I'm not saying you're like that, Jeff. And anyway, heck knows I've felt that way before in certain situations. What I AM saying is that it's helpful to understand that other people are flawed. The professor probably is a terrible organizer. Just because he's good at academics doesn't mean he's got great personal habits. The woman who was raped may be a naturally suspicious person, distrustful of all people. Both of them may be awful at keeping in touch with anyone, not just you.

 

I'd say, again, that if their lack of communication with you bothers you, turn your sights elsewhere. I like alfonselaca's suggestion of the blog. Cybercommunication is still communication, and forums like this or topic-oriented ones draw lots of interesting people. Good luck!

[Celadon]

Oh! One more thing I've learned, when dealing with people. When you feel hurt by the things people do, especially when they're motivated by selfishness, just tell yourself, "I am strong." You are strong. You are above their behavior. You are too valuable to get caught up in their actions.

 

I think what sometimes happens with me is that I feel dissed by other people's actions, probably because there IS some dissing going on, or at least neglect or disregard. I end up feeling WEAK and ANGRY that someone is shi**ing all over me; er, so to speak. But when I stop and tell myself, "I am strong," I end up feeling more distant from the problem. And in my mind, their sad behavior ends up sticking to them where it belongs, not to me.

[afonselaca]

Oh! One more thing I've learned, when dealing with people. When you feel hurt by the things people do, especially when they're motivated by selfishness, just tell yourself, "I am strong." You are strong. You are above their behavior. You are too valuable to get caught up in their actions.

 

I think what sometimes happens with me is that I feel dissed by other people's actions, probably because there IS some dissing going on, or at least neglect or disregard. I end up feeling WEAK and ANGRY that someone is shi**ing all over me; er, so to speak. But when I stop and tell myself, "I am strong," I end up feeling more distant from the problem. And in my mind, their sad behavior ends up sticking to them where it belongs, not to me.

 

Well said! I'll remember the part, "their sad behavior ends up sticking to them where it belongs, not to me," the next time someone disappoints me... like last night. Happens all the time to one degree or another, eh?

 

 

[shelly7]

I think most of us are in this site due to loneliness, heartache, or personal turmoil.

 

Maybe I'm cyncial but once a friend insults or rejects me I write them off.

(I wish I could be that strong with my current love interest, but that's another story.)

 

You say you're a shut in, what does that mean exactly? Do you work?

 

Oddly, the question burning in my mind is why are you sending your novel to your old professor and not a publishing company?

[shelly7]

(Maybe I should just be happy with the fact that he doesn't consider me a potential rapist, and shut my yap.)

 

 

I appreciate your dry sense of humor, but if you want my truthful opinion about the woman that had been raped, I believe she was definitely traumatized but she might have used that as an excuse for you to back off, without trying to directly hurt your feelings. (But what do I know?)

 

Now it makes sense of why you don’t have much interaction with others, the life of a writer can be lonely. Creative types tend to be highly sensitive as well.

 

Have you ever researched the cost of publishing your work yourself? I realize it might be costly, but if it’s your dream why not save up and just go for it?

[Jeffrey2095]

Oh yes, there is self publishing, and I have canvased a few of them. It costs from $800 (softcover)- $1200 (hard) on up. You have to be very careful though, and make sure that you retain all of the "subsidiary" rights. (Book, film, etc.) Some of them will try and retain them themselves by chicanery and kind of sweep the subject under the rug, like it's no big deal.

 

You have to ask yourself if this is maybe your one and only book, or can you afford to offer one up for free as a sacrifice for the exposure. So, I am building a website to share some of my work with the world for free. (Also, it is a nice showcase for agents)

 

I would rather have my work read and appreciated in poverty, than to climb the greasy pole of the literary "biz", and hold my stories forever in a musty trunk somewhere: trunk-stories.

 

So giving them away at first is my secret weapon to beat the literary "system".

 

As for the girl, I think that it was her way of giving me the "brush", and maybe gain a little sympathy from me, (which she has). But, she might have stopped for a minute and considered my feelings too.

 

Thanks again Shelly.