How can anybody do this?

[matius]

Pain...the thought of having to end a relationship and hurt somebody so sweet is difficult to bare. You love their family, they love you...there are plans for the immediate future. I know that's life - in the same vein it's like a death...

 

I know this girl really loves me so I've decided to layout everything that's wrong with the relationship out on the table in plain daylight - perhaps coming to a conclusion I haven't thought of -- try to understand what she's feeling about everything. I'm worried that with things laid out it will be obvious to the both of us things may have gone too far South though.

 

Right now, if it comes down to it I want to give her the opportunity to not just be the dumpee...I want her to try and think about why certain things just might not work and let her end things just the same.

 

Has anyone here ever managed to end something amicably, or at least in some sort of agreement?

 

I realize tears & sadness will still flow -- but at the very least I know that the pain has been minimized to some extent.

 

...seems just so much to deal with. Probably the same as somebody passing.

[rose2summer]

What exactly are your reasons for breaking up?

 

You seem very torned in the decision, are you sure that this is what you want deep down or is it a quick fix to some problems you are facing together?

 

I have managed to end things amicably with 2 exes but not the recent one, it just depends on the person and how much pride they have.

 

Hugs, Rose

[matius]

 

 

Torn for sure. This relationship has been damaged by external factors, so it clouds my judgment.

 

For example, I am in school & work full time (stressful enough). I have hardly anytime for my artwork which is a very large portion of my life. Her work/school is stressful as well. On the weekend, when I have very small amount of time to work on my things...she is bewildered and upset I don't want to hang with her. Not always completely understanding of my need to pursue my dreams. But I also understand the need to spend time with her. It's often a conflict.

 

--> Now she may be leaving for school in another state...in which I cannot possibly go. Say we did turn this around and started to bend to each others will...things are better, then she leaves. What's that time worth? Is it fair to the both of us?

[froufrou]

I was really interested in your post because I feel like I was in the position of your girlfriend. I was in love with a guy, completely, utterly - I wanted to have his children and I had waited to be with him for about five years. However, when we finally got to know each other, our personalities clashed. Also, he was two years younger than me, and perhaps not as mature. We broke up after five months - and the breakup was actually very calm. He expressed his doubts, I expressed mine and then that was it. We've been in No Contacts-ville for three months now, almost four.

 

My first question is, if you love each other, and that love is more special than anything you've ever known - should you rather hold onto it, work with it? Why would you want to split up with your girlfriend if she's as wonderful as you describe? It seems like madness! So what is it that makes you want to pull the plug?

 

My second question is, are you still strongly attracted to other girls, and feel your gaze constantly straying when your with your girlfriend?

[matius]

My first question is, if you love each other, and that love is more special than anything you've ever known - should you rather hold onto it, work with it? Why would you want to split up with your girlfriend if she's as wonderful as you describe? It seems like madness! So what is it that makes you want to pull the plug?

 

She is wonderful, but perhaps we're not wonderful together. I love her, but am I 'in love' with her -- not so obvious, this ambiguity is disturbing.

 

My second question is, are you still strongly attracted to other girls, and feel your gaze constantly straying when your with your girlfriend?

 

Initially, we would get in little arguments that grew stronger. Pretty soon they would bother me for more than just a short period, until the nuances began to annoy me. In my estimation, this led to a decline of sexual activity and attraction. Sad but true, I really feel like once are personalities clashed, it has been more difficult to feel total attraction.

 

I'm afraid as a result my eyes may wander from time to time, but in some cases I suppose that's natural. I would never act on it in a committed relationship.

 

As for the being in love & children and all. I've been up front with her since the beginning about not really wanting children -- and not wanting to get married for a very long time.

[bella321]

Hi Matius,

 

I think it's wonderful that you care so much about her feelings. And I think that you can amicably end the relationship, especially since it seems that the reason is that you want different things. My ex and I ended amicably, and although we miss each tremendously, we both knew that our desired futures were totally different (he doesn't want kids or marriage and I do) I think he's a amazing man and if he changed his mind on those issues, I would take him back in second. However, I don't believe in my heart that it will ever happen. I truly wish for his ultimate happiness and I believe he feels the same way about me.. I respect that he was upfront and honest about what he wanted and couldn't give me. The last thing any girl needs after a break up is to wonder what it was that went wrong. So be honest with her and don't expect to be friends for a REALLY long time. Make sure to give her space after you do it. I'm guessing 6 + months of no contact is necessary. Good luck. I hope that you do find what you're looking for.

[matius]

bella321 - thank you for your comment, it might have been just what I needed to enjoy the holidays...you do the same.

 

M