Just a bit confused

[SanSerif]

Me and my first love broke up 3 weeks ago. It was mutual; she was tired of lying to her family whenever she came to see me (there was a 4 year age difference; she 17 me 21), and one of her family members confronted her about coming to see me. It had happened before; we always assumed (or at least I did) that it was going to work out eventually. I pretty much lost my mind for this girl, and am crawling back up from the nethers. She has tried to contact me many times after the breakup; once I accepted the call and had a somewhat awkward but okay conversation with her.

 

Then for the last two weeks, she has called, and I have not picked up. I think, maybe she isn't affected as much as I am by this breakup, and thereforeeee is comfortable talking with me this soon. I pretty much invested everything I am in this relationship and need the time away from her, in NC to rediscover MYSELF. I told her this; then told her it was okay to talk after 5 days of that...but I'm now sure it's not enough. I haven't answered her calls for the last two weeks, and I'm just wondering, "what is it she wants to say to me?" This has been the hardest thing on me in my whole life...am I feeling sorry for myself by not wanting to talk to her? I feel on one hand that I would love to stay in touch with her because I loved her so much. But I really think I need to maintain NC because I need to build up myself again...

 

I posted this thread before; its the whole version from about 2 weeks ago:

 

 

 

Basically, we parted on terms that we were still very much in love with each other, but it just couldn't happen because of the circumstances. I told her I would wait until she was 18; she insisted that I deserved better than that. The whole situation's shady because if she did start dating me when she turned 18, she would have to introduce me to the family (extremely protective), and they would know that I was 'the guy' she fell in love with and wasn't supposed to...then she would get in even more trouble; she's scared. I realize that this is a breakup...but it's so complicated because we aren't breaking up because we don't love each other...its because of the situation.

 

I don't know. I feel as if I waited around for her, without her saying she'd wait for me...that she'd find another guy (its about a 1-hour time difference). I've already got another girl, and I almost feel as if it's insurance in case I did pick up the phone and hear that she has a new guy, that I wouldn't have to deal with that kind of pain. I feel terrible. The worst part is, I do like the girl I'm with now; but I have fleeting glimpses of the idea that what I'm doing is wrong and I should be with the one I love(?)d(?). I chalk this up to the fact that I'm having trouble letting go and moving on. I am.

 

I'm not really sure how to approach my relationship with my old love.

[friscodj]

Hey artisan-

 

I have some thoughts for you:

 

1) The "first" is tough man. You both are not familiar with the feelings you had and the feelings you have now. So the newness of and unfamilirity with the situation and how to deal with it compound the grief generated by it. It is also very common in a break up to create this assumption that the other person is fine and knows what they are doing. Don't put too much stock in that notion.

 

2) I think the reason she is calling you so much is because she is in denial. I believe if you do start talking to her at this point, it will set you both back. You both need to know it's over and that is done by this being over. Your chivalrous notions of owing communication to each other based on the past will have to take a backseat to your healing. That will come later, much later when this maelstrom of feelings, emotions, and fresh memories has passed and you guys can nurture a true friendship together. The healing and processing of this comes first and you do that by making and sticking to as much time and distance that you need.

 

3) I'm skeptical regarding her response to your offer to wait. If she really wanted to be in this, I think she wouldn't be so dismissive about the notion of waiting. I've seen people move mountains for each other when there is shared love vs. outside circumstances like this.

 

4) Dude, if you listen to only one thing I have to say here listen to me when I say you need to let your new girl go as gently as you can ASAP. You're talking about her as "insurance"? Your ex is not your old love she is very much your current love, you guys just aren't together. You are not ready to date anyone else right now. Those "fleeting glimpses" are your intuition and you should definitely listen to that here.

[SanSerif]

Wow, thank you for everything you said Friscodj. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice.

 

Some background on her: She was adopted into an extraordinarily wealthy and very protective family. From almost the beginning of our relationship she would subtly push the issue that I would get 'tired' of her. Don't get me wrong; everything was floating on air when things were going good. Whenever we would have these talks, I would assure her that she had no reason to be paranoid(her own words); I would never leave her or cheat on her. I always showered her with affection and love, and she returned it amiably for the most part. There was always this lingering thought in the back of her head that she would bring up, however, and that was that I would leave her and this wouldn't last forever...like her belief was dooming us from the start...? I would tell her to relax and enjoy this for what it is..but those thoughts seemed to always return to her.

 

I won't lie; it made me mad sometimes, like...how can you think that after what I tell you and feel for you? I think maybe the reason she said those things is because she knew her family circumstances would eventually force her to choose them over me...and I couldn't be equated into her family. I felt cheated out of a fair chance by this assumption.

 

I don't know man..I've been so lost over this, giving my whole self and everything I have to a relationship to have it dissolve slowly into nothing...and for what? Because she's 17? I mean that has to be it...I must have been expecting a more mature outlook and sense of connection from someone who understands what they want in a more adult manner.

 

I think you have a good point about my jumping into a new relationship right away. I really don't know though man, its just tough being alone right now. It's like I'll do anything to keep from being alone after this. Maybe we should just be friends. Ag!

[SanSerif]

Wow. Sorry, I just wanted to thank you again for everything you've said...you can't know how helpful this is right now!

[friscodj]

Two things jump out at me from reading your last post:

 

1) I get the feeling she is not ready emotionally to continue this and take it to the next level. A lot of changes take place within people between adolesense and around 25 or so. That's what I've seen time and time again. I am like 2-3 people removed from who I was at 17 or even 24 as are people I've known for that long too.

 

Now, can she ever be ready? Of course she can, but these behavioral patterns of hers, e.g., her paranoia, expecting the relationship to end, you getting "tired' of her, etc. won't change overnight. It will take self-realization and work on her part to get to more comfortable places with these destructive patterns, which probably blossomed from her situation as a foster child to some degree.

 

At any rate, these are her issues and not yours. I know you want to help her but you can't be a therapist and a boyfriend. I've tried that too. She's got to figure this out on her own.

 

And this is not your fault. Believe that because it is true. This is a notion I struggle to accept in my own life. It really seems to me like you did what you could here, or even went above and beyond in that sense.

 

2) Your statement of "I'll do anything to keep from being alone right now" is the most glaring part of your post. I have the feeling you will ignore this piece of advice but this need illustrated by this quote + a bleeding heart for this other woman = an unfair situation for this new girl. Think about that, and think about how you would want someone to handle this situation if the roles were reversed.

[strawberries789]

Hi Artisan,

 

I hope you are doing well today. I read your posts and your first one about your relationship. I went through something similar to this with my now ex about 7 years ago...Although we were the same age difference, my family did not approve of me dating him at first and so I did the whole 'make up excuses' when I went to see him. That caused a serious strain on our relationship. Why? Because, for one our encounters were short and exciting in a way because we felt that we were doing something so forbidden...although we were madly in love, I think this intensified our feelings even more...

 

Also, I felt like a lot of my energy was spent on making up excuses to my family/friends and I hated not being honest with them...But I didn't want to have to choose between my family and my love and I didn't want the confrontation.

 

Anyhow, that relationship 7 years ago ended...me and my ex stopped talking for 2 years...I thought we would both move on but after 2 years of NC, we got back together again and had a relationship for 5 years (which just ended 3 weeks ago).

 

I know what you mean about that crazy love/intense feeling you 2 have..and the fact that you 2 aren't together b/c of her family does complicate things immensely and doesn't make the 2 of you stop loving each other...if anything it intensifies your love...makes you want each other more and more...well at least that it was happened to me...

 

But you know...in the midst of all this, you not only lose yourself as you have described you have been feeling but you also don't have a chance to really get to know the person...it's like the 2 of you carve out a separate piece of your lives as opposed to being included in each other's lives...this can also cause strain in the relationship and pain...

 

Also, something that I learned recently is that it takes more than that crazy feeling of love in order to build a meaningful/strong relationship with someone...and being included in the other person's life/family/friends is a huge part...b/c my ex and I didn't have this, I think our relationship suffered...it created anxiety amongst the 2 of us and ended in the demise of our relationship

 

I'm not sure if my post was helpful to you or not...but when I read your post I thought about my situation...

 

If my post is total gibberash you will have to excuse me...i got into a terrible car accident yesterday with an 18 wheeler truck...am still recovering from the accident and my break up 3 weeks ago

 

I wish you all the best...please post back and let us know how you are

[SanSerif]

Hey guys. I wanted to thank you for all your help, and strawberries your post was helpful I'm doing much better now, I'd say. I think the most important thing I'm realizing is that it's my life...and I'm letting these feelings and memories control it. It's impossible to be happy when I do that. Anyways, things are going well with my new girl. I think my main problem is that I've just had so much trouble accepting what happened for what it was...I got angry for a bit..but I'm past that now.