sexual needs not being met/sexual differences

[lipostudio]

Hi! I'm a 23 year old female - I live with my boyfriend who I've been with for four and a half years. We met and were friends on the internet for a long time before falling for one another. I moved a considerable distance to be with him and go to college.

 

At one point in our relationship, quite early on, he admitted to me that he's not sexually attracted to me. I had thought our sexual problems up until that point were because I was his first serious relationship and sexual partner. It placed us both in a difficult position because he loves me and loves my personality, etc.. And I don't have an unattractive body or face - I'm just not his "type" and he didn't, at that point, feel the attraction.

 

I think that as time has gone on (read, four years later), he's developed an attraction to me. I always reference the idea that people are beautiful because you love them, not the other way around, and do believe he could develop those feelings with time.

 

However, I'm quite a sexual person. With my previous serious relationship, we would have sex many, many times a week (often several times a day). He had an appetite, found me beautiful and sexy, and we had similar tastes.

 

With the current guy, frequency has dropped from possibly once a week average for the first few years down to once or twice a month now. I'm usually (9/10 times) the person initiating. Like many women, I find it impossible to orgasm with my partner, which I think has affected his self-confidence and interest in giving me pleasure. He doesn't like oral sex, and thought he liked anal sex. After trying that with me, he's convinced he doesn't like it as much as regular sex, and so we've stopped (although he has a huge and growing secret stash of anal porn). I'm 99% certain he's not gay. He just claims to be not very sexual and not be interested in sex, although he has admitted to masturbating more frequently than we have sex - again, he does it secretly and is not comfortable doing it with me.

 

Basically, my needs aren't being met. He tells me to masturbate when I'm sexually needy and fails to understand the importance I put on sex for emotional as well as physical pleasure. I realised last night, lying in bed, I don't feel beautiful with him. He doesn't make me feel sexy. The flip side is, he's the most loving, caring, generous partner anyone could ask for. He's given me so much and we have a genuinely loving relationship with lots of physical affection like cuddles, hugs, kisses, etc..

 

I know it's ultimately down to me to decide whether or not it's worth staying with him for that side of things and giving up on the sex, but I wanted to know how it reads to an outsider. Any suggestions of how I can get him more interested? Any men, in particular, have any point of view on this - ie, how it might be from his point of view? Any older people who've dealt with sexual lulls in relationships have any thoughts/advice? I feel like I'm ](*,) .

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It would seem ridiculous to me if I'd been with someone for years, and that I was in this situation given that I was a sexual person. I really don't see how this is truly reconcilable after all this time. Personally, I say Time To Walk.

[lipostudio]

Fair enough. I think the difference comes in how much value you place on each part of the relationship. While I say I'm a sexual person, I place higher value on the emotional connection that I have with a person. If I believed I could walk away and meet someone in the next year who was as sweet/kind/funny/gentle/loving/caring as he is AND who would give me the wild crazy sex I want, my position would be easier. I don't think I'll meet someone as amazing as him, emotionally speaking, and I'm not willing to sacrifice that for sex...

 

It would seem ridiculous to me if I'd been with someone for years, and that I was in this situation given that I was a sexual person. I really don't see how this is truly reconcilable after all this time. Personally, I say Time To Walk.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Why do you have to meet someone in the next year?

 

So many people think they couldn't do better, so they hang on. May you never regret trying it.

 

Never settle.

[lipostudio]

I fundamentally disagree and have studied (academically speaking) what makes relationships last long-term - it's exactly what you call "settling", or what others would term compromise.

 

But thanks for your input. Anyone else have any thoughts? Someone a bit older who may have experienced sexual lulls in relationships, etc.?

[arwen]

Hey lipo,

 

I think that sexual incompatibility is something else than a lack of sexual attraction on the part of one of the partners. I think that 'spark' or that 'chemistry' is important, but it need not be there from the beginning on. I know I didn't feel that way for quite a while for my bf. We were friends and housemates first, and it was only in the last months before we got together that I felt 'something was there'. It grew once we got together... and it's really great now.

 

Doesn't it bother you that he says he's not attracted to you in that way? You are right that long term relationships are not BASED on that attraction, but I think that it is part of the set of things that need to be there (in addition to emotional connection, sharing of viewpoints, trust, love, friendship, commitment, etc).

 

You say yourself that your needs aren't fulfilled, and although walking away is not the FIRST thing that would be my answer, I think you may seriously reconsider this relationship and ask yourself and him if this is something you can both live with. Do you feel that attraction more to him than he does to you or is it a mutual 'lack of attraction'? What would happen if he found himself insanely sexually attracted to someone else, or if you did? I think that that situation can also occur between two people who are sexually attracted to each other but the temptation would maybe be less. It's just a thought.

 

Ilse

[RayKay]

I agree that sex is not EVERYTHING in a relationship, but I also really believe if it is leaving you feeling low, rejected, and so on it is a big problem, particularly when both partners are on different wavelengths about it. Does he seem willing to put an effort into address it?

 

I am not denying he is a great guy, I am sure he definitely is, but do you not believe the right guy for you would be attracted to you on all levels? And the right girl for him would be one he was attracted to on all levels. I really think that when this spark/attraction is missing, it is more than "just" a sexual difference.

 

I agree that in relationships there must be compromise, and that no one is perfect on all levels, and in a mature relationship, a healthy loving one, you also accept flaws in one another; but I also believe that it does not mean sacrificing an important element or need in a relationship either. I don't know, but for me "not settling" was exactly what I decided to do after my last major breakup, and while it took some time, I did meet my match whom was right for me on all levels. Not "perfect", but certainly perfect for me and me for him.

 

Evidently you have both tried to figure this out, and to no avail. I really then do believe it is an attraction thing for him for whatever reason. Maybe you aren't his type, maybe he is asexual, maybe he is gay and not ready to come to terms with it - who knows, he may not even know yet. But I think you have to really determine whether this is something you are willing to "compromise" on forever, and be happy with the relationship as it is. Because as I said, it is not just a difference in sex drives, it encompasses the basic intimacy needs and human desire to feel wanted and desired as well, which have even great effects.

[lipostudio]

Hi, Ilse -

 

Thanks for your thoughts, first of all.

 

A few points - he said he wasn't attracted to me about four years ago. In the time since then, he may well have told me that that changed. I have an appalling memory but with some vague recollection that he did say things were better than when he originally made the statement. I guess I need an update though, huh?

 

Sexuality and love are very much linked in both of our minds - he can't comprehend just meeting someone and wanting to shag their brains out, whereas I could definitely understand that but wouldn't do it without the relationship there as well. I don't think there's any danger of him leaving me for someone else based on sexual attraction - he's a sincere, genuine guy and I think it would take a long time for him to develop enough feeling for someone else to leave me, by which time I'd probably already know anyway.

 

In an ideal world, there would be a solution to this - him saying "If you did your hair like this and worked out a bit more, I would find you more sexually desireable" or me saying "here, try these zinc suppliments to enhance your sex drive and agree to initiate sexual contact with me once a week". I'd be ok with, and even happy, having him tell me something I could change about myself that would add to the attraction, but when asked, he is adament that he's just "not interested" in sex, which means option 2 would be more logical.

 

The way I could put it is that if you broke down a relationship into the things you mention in your reply, emotional connection, sharing of viewpoints, trust, love, friendship, commitment, and sexuality, I would rate the relationship as follows:

 

emotional connection: 9/10

shared viewpoints: 9/10

trust: 8/10

love: 10/10

friendship: 10/10

commitment: 8/10

sexuality: 4/10

 

Imagine a nearly perfect relationship with just one componant wrong and you've got what I've got. That's why it's so hard to consider walking away. Would I settle for fives accross the board? Or sixes? Just to improve my sex life?

[lipostudio]

Hi, RayKay -

 

I definitely agree with you that it is a big problem because of the way it's making me feel. The bottom line is that I cope with it most of the time, get pretty down about it sometimes, and hit rock bottom occasionally when thinking about it. At the moment, it's getting me down more than usual, but it's likely that's because there are other things in my life not going quite right and so I'm feeling low to begin with.

 

I think both he and I are confused as to what effort he can put into this. If he doesn't feel like sex, it's pretty hard to fabricate that. That's one of the hardest things about this - he loves me very much and would willingly try things if he thought they would help and were something he could do. Any ideas on this front are welcome!

 

Our situation and me breaking up with him isn't straight forward because I'm actually living in a foreign country and won't have perminent residency for another year and a half yet. If I break up with him before that, my chance at that status will be destroyed and I'll have to return to my home country. So in some sense, if I'm going to break up with him, I feel like I should have a really, really, really good reason. If you see my reply to Ilse, most aspects of our relationship are really great, so breaking up would mean losing all of those good things plus the chance to attain an important life goal.

 

I think my other question is one that can't be answered by anyone except me, either - when is it proven to me that things can't change and I can't be happy? I believe in cycles and there is a good chance our sex life will pick back up again naturally for a variety of reasons.

 

Thank you for your words and suggestions. It has certainly given me something to think about.

[hopelesslyyours]

I sort of understand what you are going through. I'm 21 and my bf is 25. We've been together for 2 years and lived together for the past 7 months. My situation is a little different. It was hard for us to keep our hands off each other for the first year and then things went down hill from there. Now we have sex once a month. I'm sexually frustrated because he is always tired. He purposely makes himself tired so that he can sleep early(around midnight-1 am) He has a busy schedule with work and school but it just feels like I'm his last priority. He's always been busy but now he likes to swamp himself so that he can be tired. He chooses video games before me. He puts everything before me. He tells me he still loves me and I do believe that he truly means that. Don't get me wrong, he is a great lover in bed and I really do miss those times. Recently, when we have sex, he will get soft really quick and not feel like he's "in the mood" I am a very sexual and physical person and he used to be too, but I'm not quite sure what is wrong. It's very understandable when girls feel very frustrated. Girls are generally very beautiful, no matter what. When a girl gets rejected on physical means, she feels extremely rejected and it shatters her self-esteem and self-confidence. I, personally, feel like I'm not attractive anymore.

 

I really what you said about how if one should give up a nearly perfect relationship. Our relationship is rated as follows:

 

emotional connection: 9/10

shared viewpoints: 10/10

trust: 10/10

love: 10/10

friendship: 10/10

commitment: 10/10

sexuality: 2/10(at the moment) used to be 10/10

 

A lot of the aspects of my relationship are perfect 10s except for sexuality. I think about leaving him because of that but that's not reasonable. We still love each other very much even though there's no sexual attraction between us. He's my best friend and we both know we will get married in the next 10 years. I don't want to give up a beautiful thing because what if things change? What if we both finish school and start working full-time? What if he finds his libido again? What if he finally gets used to a constant routine and gets more energy to have sex with me? I agree that sex is a huge part of a long term relationship/marriage but I don't think it's enough to call it off. Keep working at it if you still love him. Good luck to you. If you want to talk more about this, let me know