Gosh this hurts so bad....

[stormie1]

Thank you for your kind words. I do understand my situation and there will be more bad days I am sure. Especially if I do not get this new job. I had hit an all time low sitting in that lonely hotel room without my best friend to talk too. It was horrible to be that far away from home and not have his voice to reassure me that this was good. We used to talk for hours while I was away. Hotel rooms are not good right now but, they are the nature of my job. So, when he called to talk that morning, it was heaven. I almost didn't answer the phone but, I knew in my heart that I needed to hear his voice. I wasn't sure if what he was calling about. It was wonderful that he was calling to see if everything was going well for me with my job interviews. It was great. His voice was a little bit shaky but, so was mine. We didn't talk about the bad stuff. It was like we were starting our friendship all over again. We were friends for about a year before becoming more. I know (don't worry), that we can never ever go back to the intimate relationship we had before. He hurt me and never even blinked. I will never let that happen with anyone ever again. We both made major mistakes in our relationship. I truly believe now that we can be friends. Not to say that it won't hurt a little bit to see him with someone else. I just hope it isn't Kelley. I don't understand why (except that she is pretty and easy) he went for that while with me. I may never know and I never intend on mentioning it again. We will leave that part out of our friendship. I will not call or try to contact him. I will leave the contacting up to him. But, I promise nothing more than friendly conversations etc. I will not be a victim again. He can not be trusted with my heart. I deserve better. I'm really happy he called to talk friendly to me. I needed that. Well, gotta go and clean this house. Thanks again to everyone. I will continue to post cuz, I know there will be bad days ahead. But, I do believe I am healing very nicely.

[Hope75]

Hi Stormie,

 

Do you really think that knowing how you feel, that a friendship with this man will best serve you?

 

You are always going to wish it was more- and you have been so quick to forgive a terrible betrayel on his part. This man cheated on you, lied to you, and broke your heart. Do friends treat each other that way?

 

Do we WANT to keep people who treat us that way in our lives?

[stormie1]

I know I've let you down. But, it puts me in such a better place to know we can be friends. Like my friend Cindy said, maybe because I was neglecting him before, I was really ready to move on. I know I miss his friendship more than the intimate part. Cin also said maybe it was so hard because he got the deliver the last punch. Yes, he was a cheating fool and did me very wrong. I will still love him to death but....... I know I am probably setting myself up for a fall. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I actually see him again. I will not contact him I promise. He is going to be shocked on that one. I think he thinks (of course, I am guessing) that because he made the first move that I will start contacting him again. I will not. I know I am weak when it comes to him. That's part of the reason I am going to maintain my NC commitment to myself (and you guys). If I have feelings of intimacy for him trust me, I will walk away. I will not fall victim to him. I know what he did was terrible. I do not want that part of the relationship anymore. I have healed that part. I do miss the talks and such but, not the other part so much anymore because he has shared that with Kelley and I don't want to be second choice in that department. I want his friendship. I need his help with the job interviews. So, I will live with eyes behind my back. Sorry, again if I have let anyone down here. I will not let him hurt me again. If things start feeling wrong or he is trying to you know what I will walk away and it will be my choice. I can get over that. NC is still the way for me on my side. Conversations, if they happen at all, will only be about business and very small talk. Nothing to do with the past or Kelley or "us". That part is dead to me. I cried it all out the other night in Austin. I'm done with that part I promise myself and everyone here. Sorry, I know I am duplicating my answer. Thank you so much for your help and advice. I really do listen to it.

This is just something I have to do and go through to heal the bad thoughts I have.

[Hope75]

Stormie,

 

I'm not so worried about you letting us down. At the end of the day, we still sleep at night. But I am worried about you letting yourself down.

 

I think you are creating reasons to keep him in your life when you know it is not the best or healthiest thing for you, because you are so heartbroken that you do not know how to let him go.

[stormie1]

I know you are more than likely right. I just needed to get out of this bad dark place I was in. God answered my prayers by having Larry call me and talk nice about business stuff and none of the nasty relationship mess. I need to believe and trust in God and his plan for me. Was it a sign? Idk. But, if I am going to be the bigger and better person, then I have to make up with myself and Larry. No, I will not let him use me again. I need him in a business way. All of us sales reps have to get along. Or, it will be heck to pay when visiting the accounts. Larry is very successful in sales. The accounts love him (he is fun to be around) He could hurt me if I choose to drag this agony out. So, I know in my heart you are right, I am looking for a chance (excuse) to keep him in my life. But, I promise you and myself, I will not be his victim again. It will be business only. He is with Kelley as far as I know. I will not be his on the side thing. I'm better than that. Yes, I do miss him and us terribly. But, at least now, I know I am missed also and he will be there for me during the interviews if I need. I will not call or try to contact him. Just knowing he is pulling for me is enough. He will be surprised that I don't contact him. I will be expecting a call in about two weeks. If I'm wrong, I will not let it get me down. He is not even at the level of "good friend". He is just someone I know and need in a business way. I want to be the bigger person. I want him to see when I am successful at the new position that he lost a really great person to a married easy woman he barely knew. He was the one to throw away 5 really great years. I will be the winner of this!

[stormie1]

crashing big time. Found out today Larry's company has hired Kelley to work a portion of the division. I was offered a chance to apply to her leftovers (the position she is leaving)_. I know I deserve this. I trusted him again. He never told me Kelley was going to be offered this position. He called me to see how my job interveiws were going. I want to die. Why didn't he tell me about Kelley's offer? I still have a opportunity with the original company that I am interviewing with. My life sucks. Why didn't he warn me that Kelley was up for the job I always wanted? Hope, I know you tried to warn me about trusting him again. I can not take any more of this. I want to just die. Period. I have nothing left. Nothing to fight for or with. Why does that two timing person get to have everything that I ever wanted? She has my perfect job and my man. I miss him. I thought we could be friends. I'm crushed. I want to just die. I can't think of anything left to live for. I'm pathetic. I want to be checked into a hospital for at least 3 years to forget all of this. How can he do this for me?

[Hope75]

Hey Stormie-

 

Please listen carefully. This guy is NOT a friend to you. I know you desperately want to believe he is but you can see that real friends do not lie to you, cheat on you, and betray you.

 

I am going to tell you again that friendship with him is not in your best interests. You are probably not going to listen to me until you are ready to hear that and accept it, but maybe now is that time.

 

Wanting to end your life over someone so low- is it really worth it? He is a cheater and a liar. Don't even consider wasting your precious life on such a dog. Be strong, Stormie. You are a good person with a good heart and you have made alot of yourself.

 

Your BEST revenge is going to be living well without him.

[stormie1]

Hope, Thank you. I don't really literally want to die. I want the life I have to die. It is all bad right now. I'm not suicidal I promise. It just hurts so darn bad. Found out this morning that Kelley turned down the position at Larry's company. I guess she figured out that she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with Larry and it would be more risk of them getting caught. Larry could lose his job if this got out. Part of me wants to let it leak but, I'm trying to be the bigger person right now. I'm really starting to hate him right now. My life will get better. I am worried now that maybe Larry will push her for the job I am interviewing for. Suspicions (bad speller) are running amuck. I have such low self esteem right now. Interviews are in two weeks and I haven't been able to prepare for them. I am scared she will try and get an interview also. I can't figure out why and what Larry was wanting when he called me last friday. I know now he was feeling out the situation. Gosh, life is so hard. I have to get over this. I know now that it is too soon to be thinking about being friends with him. He has no feelings for me at all. It still hurts. I was fooling myself. Thanks for helping realize how big of a mistake that would be.

[Hope75]

Stormie,

 

I really think you need to put both Larry and Kelley out of your mind and focus ALL your energies on preparing for these interviews. So what if she applies for the same job? That is all the more reason to be so ready for this that you will knock their socks off. The only thing holding you back is yourself. Let it go and focus on YOUR life.

[stormie1]

Thanks (again). Not only am I going to prepare today for the upcoming interviews. I also, applied to some additional jobs today at some of the recruiter's websites. Life will get better when I decide to start living it again. I hoping to do this today. I don't want to waste another minute on those two cheaters. They will get caught(but, not at my hand). I hope they both lose their jobs! (not really, that would be wishing for bad luck and I don't want any bad karma on me). I've just got to let go of any feelings I have for him (and bad ones against her). It is counterproductive. We will never be able to be friends. Yes, with my job (even the new one) I will have a chance to cross paths. I will do my best to avoid them. I couldn't even stand to know he was on the phone yesterday talking to my account. My heart sank with I heard them laughing on the phone and realized it was Larry. He's been telling lies and some of the other reps are talking about it. I'm staying away from that also. They will get caught in their lies. I don't think he is worth all of this drama I have been putting myself through. I am going to have a great day dang it! Well, gotta go prepare! I do appreciate your honesty.

[stormie1]

Gosh, this is so hard. I think that I'm finally working this out in my head and know that I need to move on but, every thought I have is about him. What is he doing, where is he at? It is crazy I know. He was at my old hospital today. My friend Cindy was working. He wanted one of my pens I had dropped off the day before (he asked for it). It made me feel good. Then, nothing. Cin said he talked about helping me with the new job interviews. I had told Cin not to mention me. If he wants to know about me, then by gosh, he should have to ask (me or them). But, she did say he said the above. I haven't spoke with Cin. She just left me a voicemail. I will talk to her tomorrow. I need to move on. I will move on soon...I just have too. Larry is going to Toronto for his big company meeting. So, he will be gone all week long. It's crazy but, he used to call me during those meetings and we would talk for hours about what to do when he gets back. I miss him and our talks. I have got to stop all of this. It is hard. I sure hope I get this new job. Life and 2007 will be better....It just has too. I need to move on.....I know.....it's the only way. Still NC on my part. It's been since December 21st for me. I'm not really counting when he called me last Friday. I love him still. It's just crazy...I will never heal without finally letting go. I'm going to try my best to accomplish that task. I have too. I have no choice if I am going to make anything of myself and survive this horrible experience. Thanks to everyone in this forum. It really helps to know that there are others out there that are going through the same (and sometimes worse) situation as myself. I will still post in here. It helps with the NC as crazy as that sounds. But, gosh, this sure does hurt.

[stormie1]

Feeling pretty bad today. It started out good. I was going to bury the hatchet with Larry. I know it is a bad idea to forgive him. I'm not going to tell him I'm forgiving him. I just want to forgive him in my heart and head. I don't know how to get all this bad stuff out. I want to forget him and move on. However, I do not want him with Kelley. I think I could move on if I knew they were not together. She hurt me and she knows it. I hate that. I don't want that cheap person to think she is better than me because she stole my man. I know Larry and I can never be together ever again. I found out today that Larry is trying for a promotion at his job. He will probably get it. He was top sales person in America with his company. His boss was recently promoted and I think Larry is going to apply to Scott's job. My problem is if Larry is promoted I think he might "give" Kelley his territory. She turned down one of the jobs at Larry's company. I think she did this so she could be available to take Larry's position. It would be so stupid on Larry's part for him to hire a person he is sleeping with. Think about what would happen if anyone found out they were sleeping together? He could lose his job. I don't want that. I love Larry so much it hurts. I should be mad that he threw me out like a piece of trash but, I just can't. All I can think of is how much I miss him and how much I don't want him with Kelley. I don't know how to stop. I try to keep busy and not think about them. I post here. NC is the best. But, when does it end? Why does that lying cheating person get to have everything I ever wanted? It's just not fair. I want his arms around me. I want to talk to him like before. We were good. I know this is counterproductive but, gosh, it just hurts so bad. I don't think we can ever be friends. I thought a few post ago that that was the way to go but, I think Hope was correct in saying that I couldn't do it. Any suggestions on forgetting someone you love? It is just not fair.

[Hope75]

You just have to give it time- but you also have to stop wasting so much time obsessing over Larry and Kelly's relationship.

 

Try putting a rubberband on your wrist, and when you catch yourself thinking of him, her, or the relationship, snap it--- HARD. That sting will remind you that thinking about them is taking up valuable time you could be doing something else and only hurting you.

 

Try it.

[Eileen101]

Stormie~~~

 

I have to tell you that I was having such a difficult time today until I read your posts from beginning to end. I know that I have more tough days ahead of me but...... you are a huge inspiration to me just knowing that someone else out there has so many of the same feelings and that we really are not alone. You have no idea how strong you really are, none. Because of the pain that you are experiencing right now it doesn't seem like you are strong but girl you are very strong just for maintaining the NC that you have day after day after day!! I have not been able to come even close to that and I really am inspired by the way you are doing that even if it is extremely tough! You make me want to do the same. I know that these men are no good and they don't deserve to have people like us be good to them, really! Who knows how much stuff there is that you don't even know about?? In the end obviously the guy decided not to put up a front anymore and just let it all hang out!! No one changes that quick, it was there all a long, he just made sure you didn't see it before then. Keep doing what you are doing, your amazing and you will be in such better place xxx months or days from now, that time will come. I know it will

[breeze33]

I agree, Stormie, you have been amazing and strong through all of this. I've been reading your posts and what happened to you is pretty devastating! I would never have been able to go to that party and act all natural but you did it. Give yourself a hug, you are the better person than those two cheating slimebags and deep down your ex knows that.

 

I know you loved him a lot but this is no longer the person you knew. Whether he and Kelly are an item or not, their illicit affair, if true, is bad karma. I wouldn't doubt Larry is alone most of the nights and if the husband found out, Larry could be in for a big black eye! What a mess. Why any man would want to be with a married woman is beyond me. It only affirms that he is a loser because he doesn't have morals and principles or respects the institute of marriage. Just tell yourself, why would you want or yearn to be with someone like that? He made you laugh and you had great times together but you deserve better from a partner like someone who loves, respects you and has principles. A man of character, he is not.

 

You deserve better, just keep telling yourself that. It will take time, hang in there.

[stormie1]

Hope, you are so right. I think the rubberband idea is great. I told myself yesterday (and asked God for his help) that I will never get over him if I keep this constant wondering and worrying about them. As I drove home yesterday, I caught myself thinking of what I would say if I ever ran into him again. I had to pinch myself to remind myself to stop the obsession. I will never get over the hurt, pain, and memories. I want to heal. I want to move on. It is just so hard. We were special. We were good. That is all my heart is letting me remember. I need to remember the way I felt when I drove to the hotel and found them there. I need to be angry but, not enough to do something stupid. I need to actually forget everything. The only way I am going to heal is to let everything, good and bad go. period. The rubberband is a great idea ( I know I said that before). I love him. I think right now that I always will. When I found out about his possible job promotion, I was devastated because I might never see him again. Which would actually be a good thing it just doesn't sound like it now. I am afraid I would just disappear in his life ( I know that would be good too but....) Kelley might get the best job in the world (and doesn't deserve it). I truly believe she has slept her way to the top. I'm a good person. I'm not usually a bitter person. I hate what I feel right now. I want to be the good person everyone likes again. I want my dream job (interviews coming up soon) How can cheaters win so much? Oops, I'm obsessing. Where is that rubberband? I need a snap! Thanks again for the great idea Hope and for everyone out there pulling for me. I will survive I know it. It just hurts right now. He is going to be out of town next week and the only think that is good about that is that he can't be with Kelley. Maybe she will find someone else to sleep with...ha! I hope she does and Larry finds out and gets his heart crushed! Dang it....I need that rubberband. I think I will go shopping and buy something to make me feel better! Gotta stay away from "vickies" however.........snap!

[Eileen101]

Hey Stormie~~

I really liked your post and I said some stuff for you on there and I really appreciate your support as well. I know you will do fine. You sound so much better already, really. I think it is the first two to three weeks that are the most difficult and you have done that already. It really has been a pretty clean break. As opposed to mine. Sooo messy. UP, Down and back agian and I would give anything just to have a normal guy and a normal break up. Narcisists are gnarly people and they really take everything in life to the hilt and make sure that they are Drama kings like Juliana said. But enough of that for now. YOU are doing GREAT!! Post back soon and let me know how you are, God Bless you as well, Eileen.

[stormie1]

Bad day...enough said. Why can't I get over this. It's like a bad case of the flu. Nothing lets you forget. It just plain hurts. I try to not think about it. But, it always finds me. Always sneaks up on me and wham......down the drain I go. I want to stop and move on. He was a jerk. She, well we all know what she is. Why does she get everything? It's just not fair she gets my man and my dream job. Larry is stupid if he hires her for his old territory. Just imagine what will happen if they get in a fight? He could lose his job. I don't want that to happen. Also, I really don't want her to succeed. She slept her way to the top. I played fair. Why does someone like that get to win and I lose? I miss him and us. That is the honest truth. I miss talking to him. I should hate him but, I just can't seem too. I wish I could talk to him seriously to find out what happened. I know this would be a huge mistake. But, I don't know if I can move on without knowing. It's making me insane. NC is still the way I will go. If Larry gets this promotion, I will never see him again. I hate that he can just walk away from me and thats that. I don't want to be forgotten. Just another old girlfriend that didn't work out. I miss him so much and I don't want our love and time together to be reduced to just another failed relationship. Kelley will get everything she ever dreamed of. She has her marriage, her lover, and the best job ever! She could never be fired by Larry because she could sue. Why does a cheating person like her get to win? I want to warn him but, it would look like sour grapes on my part and I'm sure he is still infatuated (bad speller) with her. She is new to him. I was comfortable. I hate feeling this way. I just don't understand "why me?" "why us?" I wish she would move on to a doctor or something. I know Larry and I can never go back but, I miss him and us. She doesn't deserve any of this. I don't deserve any of this....Gosh, really bad pity party day......

[Hope75]

Actually Stormie,

 

All you lost was a lying, two-timing, cheating jerk.

 

Seems to me that YOU are the one who won out on top here.

[Eileen101]

Stormie,

I know exactley how you feel. I have gone through all those feelings myself. Every single one of them. I know how much it sucks to feel like everyone else in your situation is on top of the world and you are at the very bottom. But one of the things that we have to remember is that we only feel that way if we let them do that to us. If we give them that then we are letting them win. The grass seems so much greener on the other side right now because it is where you think you want to be but it is things like this that are never quite what they seem. Especially in a situation like thiers.It seems like it is all rosy and peachy but......It is all built on a lie and nothing concrete or solid could ever come of a situation like theirs. Believe me I know cuz I have been through this type of a situation before. Long story. They will always have to be under a cloud of suspicion and there will never be a good, clean feeling to what they have. Never. It is very tainted Stormie and always will be. Just remember that and know that people like that always get thiers, like you said....Karma, karma,karma It will just take time for that to unfold, but when it does it will be such a good day for you, so just hang in there and remember that cuz mark my words, that time will come, Have a better day, Eileen.

[stormie1]

Thanks Ya'll. It is good to have you guy to bring me back to earth. All my heart will let me remember is the good stuff and the good man I thought he was.. I still believe in my heart he is good and he will realize what a huge mistake he has made. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him and my won't that feel good to not take him back...he threw me away. I don't think I can ever forgive him for that but, I do miss him and I don't know how I will act when I see him again. I was numb at the party. I don't even think I looked him straight in the eye the entire evening. It was so weird. I miss the fun Larry. He is in Toronto at his companies annual meeting. I do miss him.

[stormie1]

Well, it's Monday. Larry is in Canada at his company's big annual meeting. Last year, Larry was named Sales person of the year! I was so proud for him. This year I don't think he is up for it. I miss him. I'm sure he is calling Kelley and giving her all the details and that hurts. Yes, I know I am obsessing again. I just miss us and him so much. He is a jerk and I need to sound off in this forum so I don't pick up the phone and call him. I know I will never get over him if I keep doing this but, I can't seem to let go. Life sucks. I am however, excited about my job interviews. Two weeks and I should find out. I have been preparing for them. It keeps my mind off my situation. I want to share my excitement with Larry and it makes it so hard that I can't. I want to ask him questions about the job interveiw and preparation. I know I can do this by myself but, Larry used to be a hiring manager for another medical company and he is just so good at everything he does. Gosh, I miss him so much. I promise though, NC. His birthday is next month. Big 43. It's going to be hard not to text him happy birthday but, again, I promise NC on my part. He knows when my interviews are so, I bet he calls to find out how I did. I will, of course, be disappointed if he doesn't. I will be prepared though. I have to get this job. I can not have another disappointment in my life. Why does the cheaters and liars get to win everything? I don't know what I will do if I don't get this new job. I need something positive in my life. I don't know what I will do if Kelley gets Larry's job when he is promoted. Life is just not very fair sometimes. Gosh....

[Eileen101]

I am sure that you will do fine with your interviews and it will give you the boost that you need! Stay positive even if you don't feel that way and you will end up with what you want. Even if it is hard to feel like stuff counts without him in the picture there will be a time when you are really past all of this and you will look back and think "wow, how did I do that". A lot of people are not able to do what you are doing. Seriousely a lot of people fall apart when it comes to this kind of stuff in life. Only the strong survive and it will all pay off in the end. Take care, Eileen.

[stormie1]

Thanks Eileen,

Everyone keeps telling me that I am strong. I just don't feel like I am. I have to fight the urge everyday not to pick up that phone and call him or contact him in some way. I feel very weak not being able to walk away from the lying cheating person he is. I obsess over what he is doing and if he is still with her. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I am worried about the image that will come out in my interveiws. In sales, you have to be aggressive and strong. I feel weak and defeated. I've got two weeks to prepare. Yesterday, I actually thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought, you know, I think I can make it without him in my life. Then, I went to bed and all I could think about was how much I miss him in my life. Gosh, what a cycle. I know I will have more strong moments where I feel like I can do this and the moments will grow to minutes, hours, and then (hopefully, soon) days. I just don't want to be forgotten. I don't want what we had to disappear from him as just another girlfriend....uhhhh what was her name? I don't want to Kelley to get Larry's position. He has that territory so well sold that even if she doesn't sell anything on her own, she would live very nicely off of his residuals. Life is not fair sometimes. I don't want to fade away in his mind. NC is still the best. I know. I just miss him so badly and want to talk to him about all the interviews and whats going on in my life (good stuff). But, I know, I can't call him and let him have the power of "she wants me". Gosh, this hurts so bad.........

[stormie1]

well,,,,,just when I thought I was getting better. I found out this morning that Kelley took the peripheral job. I'm kinda glad because it is a horrible territory. They have had 3 reps in the was couple of years. I hope she fails terribly. I hope she is whinney to Larry about her job. He deserves that. Already had my cry today. I think I need to move on with my life and forget worrying so much about those two. I'm actually glad she took it. Serves her right. She thinks its an amazing job but, experienced reps have failed at that territory. I bet she tries sleeping with some of the doc's so they will use her products. I hope Larry finds out and gets his heart stomped on! Hows that for letting out my anger? I am actually smiling right now. I know this is not healthy to wish bad luck on someone and I don't want any of this to be on me. I'm just going to concentrate on my current job and my interview. But, I just can't help but smile over this....She thinks she is going to be with Larry more. HA! Only at company functions and her husband should be there. Maybe at company meetings but, she is peripheral and Larry is hearts! HA again. Okay, enough obsessing about this but, man I am happy she took that territory. Larry has nothing to do with East Texas! Hahahahahahaha.... It could back fire if I get too much enjoyment out of it. So, I will stop all together thinking about it and concentrate on my own problems! Gosh! maybe bad karma is catching up to her? Oops, I did it again.