broken up with bouyfriend of 4 years

[geri]

Hi there

 

I hope some of you gentlemen out there can give me some advice re my breakup. I'll try not to over kill the saga!

 

A month ago myself and b/f broke up for the second time. We had originally broken up in Feb but we got back together after a couple of weeks - we stayed in contact and found it very hard to move on.

 

Anyhows background to saga is we bought a house together BUT he wasn't ready for it and though i offered to get it on my own as i could afford to he insisted on being in on it. Then things went rocky - i was very unhappy with his approach to the house and us and he just wasn't happy. So i split up with him in Feb. He went off on a ski trip and was with another girl. He came back we talked and got met each othr once/twice a week for a couple of months. I went to counselling because i really wanted to sort out my issues and become a better person because i felt i'd been unfair to him and had lost myself. Counselling was great (I lost my sister to cancer) and i really began to grow as aperson and really show him the caring side of me. I wasn't afriad of it anymore. Anyhows then we got intimate again in May but still saw each other only once/twice a week.

 

It finally got to the stage in August where i wanted more and he didn't know what he wanted so i issued a 'you're in or you're out' ultimatium. He went away for a week and still couldn't tell me yes or no so i asked him again. It was a terrible scene - he cried for three hours to tell me he didn't want it anymore but he seemed so upset and confused - he said he loved me but he needed time for himself. So i let him go. We had contact for the first week or so as we had to sort out the house. Then i stopped contact and he got back in touch so i ignored it and now a month on we haven't been in touch for a few weeks.

 

I am very calm but still upset. I feel like nothing is finalised - he sent me papers for the house and is accepting a significant financial cut so i can afford the house which is a nice gesture. I'm away on holidays soon but what i would like to know is from a mans perspective should i call him/email him before i go - do i let it go without a fight - i love and care for him deeply and want to leave the door open but without ceasing my own life. I don't want to pressurise him back but i would like him back - can we even be friends?

 

So do i give up or open up communication again? Thank you - Geri

[charmed]

Hi Geri,

 

Thanks for sharing your problem with us. I would say that you should get your distance, and keep it for a while - like a few months anyway. If not, you will probably end up in the same cycle that started in Feb when you geto back together. Unfortunately, the friends scenario is also a very very hard situation to run with - and nearly always one or other partner gets hurt.

 

My advice is to take a break and get yourself out of the whole situation. Right now, you are still in the middle of it - but close to the end if you want to be. While it would be great to see each other, it will in reality probably not work and you probably will know this deep down if it is the case.

 

Get on with your life, and if you really do still care that much for him in a few months, then perhaps you guys can get together for a drink then anc a chat - but give yourself and him that space that you both need to regain your independance fully and move on with your lives

 

Good luck,

 

Hope this helps some,

 

~Charmed~

[geri]

Hi Charmed

 

Thank you for that. I guess when its in black and white it looks pretty hopeless. I just wonder if people give up too easy - we give each other space etc only to regret it later on. Fear keeps you from getting back in touch and saying whats on your mind. I think to myself that if something happened to him i would very much regret not saying my piece.

 

I'm not afraid of the rejection just of not knowing. I don't know - 70% of me is saying move on as i have a few dates on but theres this little bit of me that says 'Hang on - close the door properly before you do so and make sure its closed'

 

Does that make sense?

[kutekat100]

Tell me about it! My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago coz he said he needed space and he did't want to have to keep 'tryng' with the relatinship, he just wanted it to work. We had beenn going out for three yrs lived together for one. I begged hi the first week to take me back and he just kept saying no, the relationships dead. However a week before that he was talking to my mum about marriage and how we'd always be together. I left him alone last week and now he keeps calling me. he tells me he loves me and misses me. I don;t know what to do! So i totally understand what you mean about giving up too easily. i think people do. At the moment I'm too scared to ask if we can start again because I don't kow when is the best time. Its a tricky one.

[charmed]

Hey ya Geri !

 

I only ask why you would hang on - for what reason.

You need to decide if the relationship is indeed over or not. He has said it is over - and to behonest, by the way he told you - crying for 3 hours - it sounds like though it was not the outcome he wanted to come to, his brain was telling him that this was indeed the right thing to do.

Once he has decided on that, then you must let him be. You seem a little unsure about whether it is over or not. You should getyourself some closure - thats what you need firstly before you can move on.

 

It would seem that you don't really have an option at the moment - since he has ended the relationship. Eitherway, there is obviously a reason that you guys are splitting up again, and to me it would make sense to take this oppertunity to leave it like that instead of getting back into the relationship and finding yourself in the same position in a few months time.

 

~Charmed~

[geri]

Hi again

 

I know i need closure,Charmed,but how do i get it? I've dated and stuff since but i just have this uneasy feeling that all is not as it should be. I've broken up before and when it was over it was over no regrets and i didn't cry for three hours and then bump into the person the next week and come over and say Hallo and say 'I've been thinking about our conversation'

 

The thing is i want closure - where does it come from? Maybe i need to be told to get lost?

[charmed]

You shouldn't be waiting for anyone to tell you anything ! You should make your own choices - you'd be surprised how strong the mind is when it wants to be !!!

 

You need to stop thinking about it - get busy, and move on. Stop living to figure the issue out - and move on I suggest. It is not as hard as it seems.

 

How long is it since you guys broke up then?