2 weeks single

[Kate07]

Im sorry to bother anyone who reads this, I think i just wanted to get it off my chest.

 

Some back ground, My ex boyfriend (ben) and I were together for 18 months, in that time he had seen me through some rough patched with my family, we had gone away a lot, we had become friends with each others families, He had cheated on me twice (kissed other girls) and we had moved in together. Ben was my first everything, my first love, my first sexual partner and the first person i had ever let in and really let him see the true me, however that over time changed becasue i changed everything about me to make him happy.

 

It will be two weeks tomorrow since we have broken up. The first day was really hard, i wanted to take the day off work and just be sad but i had lots of training and so i couldnt.

The second day i did take off work and ben rang me, that was hard because he only rang me becasue a friend (actually an ex friend- i will explain later) of mine had told him to. I was a little short with him and a bit angry becasue i didnt want to hear that it was over. I got through that day ok, i spent it with my sister and cousin who are both stronger people then i was at the time and who had also gone through what i am going through in the last couple of years.

The third day was a wednesday, i went to work and had a hard morning (my boss had a go about me nad my standard of work- which considering she had had holidays at the time i have no idea how she knew what standard of work i was doing) that afternoon i had a great time, i laughed and relaxed and forgot about ben. Wednesday night i received a text msg from him saying that he had a letter for me and did i want him to bring it around or pick it up, i replied and said i would pick it up and how was he, eventually we sent a couple of text and i said that he could call if he wanted (i know he hates txt). He called me and we spoke for about 40mins, i did most of the talking but he was receptive, it was like old times, he said his house mate had come home and he had to go but me being me (i had a weak moment and didnt want to let go said he didnt have to go) he told me he would call in 10mins, he didnt (i was a little disappointed)

The Thursday was ok, i went shopping with a friend of mine after work but she was christmas shopping for her family and especially her brother, father and uncle, thereforeeee we ended up at all the mens shops and looking at mens clothes, that was hard because i would have gone in there to buy ben's christmas present, i had planned on doing that. (i hadnt bought him his present yet because i knew we were rocky)

The friday i got burnt and sent back to day one. I was supposed to go to ben's house that night to give him back his keys and get the rest of my stuff, however knowing he had gone out the night before i didnt want to go over there and find out he had moved on already and then have me get upset, (i had planned on going over there really strong and not needing him at all and hopefully have him see that i was stronger then he thought) That plan went down the drain, stupidly i had asked my ex-friend (see above) to ask him if he had picked up the night before because i wanted to be strong, I thought i could trust this friend but obviously not because she told him that i was asking questions and what was she supposed to tell me, ben rang me later and told me he had kissed someone else the night before That hurt like hell, and i was cranky at him but also at my ex-friend because what was she thinking telling him that i was asking questions, if i wanted him to know i would have asked him myself, i was also angry at myself because i had hoped that he would come back and would have missed me. I went to my cousins that night and she was really good and supportive and helped me forget about him.

Day 6: Saturday. I went out saturday night with the girls, that was a great ego boost, i was chatted up by 3 hot guys.

Day 7: Sunday I didnt do much on this day, the afternoon was really hard, it was the longest we had gone without talking in 19months, i was missin him heaps

Day 8: Monday, I received a text from a friend who has been really supportive (unfortunately she is dating my ex's best friend) saying that she had just seen ben and he had asked how i was going. Then i got my hopes up a bit more again. Monday was hard as well i was still missing my ex heaps

Day 9: Tuesday. I knew that i was hoping that he would come back today so i rang him to tell him i would bring his keys around and finalise everything. this was basically becasue i didnt want to sit here thinking he still missed me. I got really upset becasue he had started to close up and not talk to me when i questioned his night out on the previous saturday night (being best friends before we got together it was hard for him not to talk to me), I took his stuff around to his place got my stuff and walked out without talking to him, i later sent him a text saying that he had his freedom and that i wouldnt contact him again and if he wanted a friendship to ring me when he was ready. He rang about 30mins later. I found out that he had slept with someone on the saturday night previous, (not even a week after we broke up -for me i dont give my body to anyone and he was my first- i felt like the sexual part of our relationship was suddenly devalued and definitely wasnt respected) Now at least i know i dont want to ever sleep with him again, let alone make love to him, it wouldnt be the same and to me he is like damaged goods. That hurt to hear big time. But it was also hard he kept saying that he missed me and still loved me, i kept reminding myself and him that he wasnt in love with me, he even went to the point of saying that he would have loved me to go over to his place and stay there the night because he wanted to just hold me in his arms.

Day10: Wednesday This was hard as well as i knew it was over for good and it was time to accept it, somehow though by the afternoon it got a bit better.

Day 11 and 12 have just passed with hard times but also with lots of fun times, I went out salsa dancing with a friend of mine last night and it was so good (that was until a friend of mine told me he was out at the local pub and ben was there trying to pick up-not something i really wanted to hear)

Day 13: today has been ok, i slept in until 10am which was a first (i used to get up every saturday morning with ben at 6:30am becasue he had to go to work) and then i went shopping and then fell asleep on the couch watching a movie.

 

I find that mornings are the hardest, especially when my alarm goes off and i put it onto snooze but i have no one to roll over and cuddle and next friday night is going to be really hard as well, it would have been 19months for us and we are both required to attend a dinner for a friends birthday, i would not go but i would like to think we were mature enough to sit at a table with other people for a couple of hours for a friends birthday and not only that i want him to think that i can get over him, i dont want him thinking that i am sitting at home pinning over him

 

Sorry I know this was probably boring but i needed to get it off my chest.

[mattyk]

Sounds tough... I hated mornings too after my gf and I broke up - I would invariably dream/nightmare about her and wake early and miserable.

 

I think it's ok if you don't want to go to the dinner. Your friend should understand if you just tell them that you don't want to and wouldn't enjoy it or be good company. I'm sure you are both mature enough to sit at the same table for a dinner, but why do it if it's going to make you feel horrible? It's not a matter of maturity, it's a matter of healing.