im feeling down. need a hug :(

[krnswte143]

bf n his ex went out 13yrs ago and they known each other for all those years. i only known him for an year and 4 month. it seem as tho his ex is first priority and im 2nd. i might be wrong but that is how i feel.

 

im feeling down cus i found out that he list her as a reference for something. he didn't even bother asking me.. so i am feeling sad.

 

u guys think i should let this go? or what?

 

why is he with me if he finds his ex main and important person.. why is iwth me if he has her.. i dont know if this is bad or good..

 

i need others perspective on this... bf said he sees her as a sister and that feelings went away long time ago... since it was 13yrs ago.... she also sees him as a big brother too... so what am i missing here?

 

am i being jealous?

[kryptik0]

Okay, here is a hug ( ).

 

Did he tell you that he considers her more important than you in his life? Unless he explicitly mentioned something like that, I think you're probably over-analyzing the situation. He has known her for so much more longer than you and so its natural that she has influence in his life even though they're not seeing each other romantically.

 

If you have more things that you can mention that are bothersome about her and him, then you should post them (if you feel comfortable doing so that is) so people can voice a more informed opinion on this matter.

 

Hope you feel better soon!

[krnswte143]

Okay, here is a hug ( ).

 

Did he tell you that he considers her more important than you in his life? Unless he explicitly mentioned something like that, I think you're probably over-analyzing the situation. He has known her for so much more longer than you and so its natural that she has influence in his life even though they're not seeing each other romantically.

 

If you have more things that you can mention that are bothersome about her and him, then you should post them (if you feel comfortable doing so that is) so people can voice a more informed opinion on this matter.

 

Hope you feel better soon!

 

thanks

 

no, he said that i was important to him in his life that i will always come first... i dont think so cus i dont feel that way... perfect example... him listing her as a reference... ( well they live toghheter with other peopls) ( n known her for 13yrs) maybe he feels more close to her than me ( jus not romantically or having any feelings). i dont know. there are other things that bother me a lot w/ their friendship.... what do u think? right now i feel like nothing i feel as if im nothin to him anymore.. i dont know what to think . im so sad now.

[caro33]

If you had met her as having the place in his life that she does and she wasn't an ex, would that make a difference to how you feel? If she was just someone he had always been close to?

 

Do they act in any way like there is a chemistry there beyond close friends?

 

Does he have family he is close to? Does she fill a 'family' role for him perhaps?

 

& here's a hug from me ( ).

[krnswte143]

If you had met her as having the place in his life that she does and she wasn't an ex, would that make a difference to how you feel? If she was just someone he had always been close to?

 

Do they act in any way like there is a chemistry there beyond close friends?

 

Does he have family he is close to? Does she fill a 'family' role for him perhaps?

 

& here's a hug from me ( ).

 

If you had met her as having the place in his life that she does and she wasn't an ex, would that make a difference to how you feel? If she was just someone he had always been close to?

 

yes, if i knew she was jus an old highschool friend and nothing more. i wouldnt be having all these issues. i wish my bf never told me but he was being honest which is good..but there was a price to pay .. me having crazy issues.

 

well, sometimes when i see them talking... they talk like close friends i guess.. and nothing more...no, he has no families here. i guess she is his only family, if that makes sense?

 

thanks for the hug

[caro33]

Well those responses you gave sound really promising to me. It would be much more concerning if you thought you were picking up on 'something else' going on, something shady. And if she's 'family' it makes sense why they've stayed close and why she's important to him.

 

More questions to help contextualise this -

 

So how long did they go out for?

 

In those 13 years did they ever have relapses that you know about? You know, like some people can't keep away from one another and become friends with benefits when they're not in their own relationships? When was the last time they slept together do you think?

 

At that time they last slept together, what were you doing in your own life? How old were you? What loomed large for you then, what upset you?

[krnswte143]

Well those responses you gave sound really promising to me. It would be much more concerning if you thought you were picking up on 'something else' going on, something shady. And if she's 'family' it makes sense why they've stayed close and why she's important to him.

 

More questions to help contextualise this -

 

So how long did they go out for?

 

In those 13 years did they ever have relapses that you know about? You know, like some people can't keep away from one another and become friends with benefits when they're not in their own relationships? When was the last time they slept together do you think?

 

At that time they last slept together, what were you doing in your own life? How old were you? What loomed large for you then, what upset you?

 

i dont really know how long they went out.. im guessing more than 2 yrs.. maybe 3, 4 or 5?? i dont know when they last slept toghther.. im guessing those time period when they were dating.. bf n her had other girlfriends/boyfriends after.. .. my bf did say feelings of havin sex is gone and that i should trust him on that. n that he sees as a sister..

 

i dont know. i am emotionally drained of all this stuff.. i guess im jus overly tired now hehe. my bf is 33 yrs old and his ex is 29 yrs old.. and im 26 yrs old.. 13 years from now.. i would b like 13 yrs old when they were like 18 and 20 yrs old. i was probably in jr high or highschool by the time they were dating. its past right? and i shouldnt care? but the feeling i get sometimes.. its hard to control... jus like this one.. him askin her to list as a reference.. that kinda hurt my feelings.. made me feel like im not worthy to him...or importnat.. but she is... so iono.. u think im jus overly being jealous or thinking overly ?

[caro33]

To be honest, from what you've written on this thread I think you may be over thinking this, or at least, focussing on something that may not be the problem you are afraid it is.

 

I have had my times of massive freakout with my now husband and his ex. Last year and the start of this year was really hard. I do understand how this kind of thing feels and how it can really screw with your head. I have found that the only thing that helps is to stop and look at the facts, and specifically to contextualise the timeframe. I know that I tended to look at everything about him and the ex as present, because it was MY present, and I was dealing with his stories of her and their relationship, and their later best friendship, at the SAME TIME as I was trying to build something with him myself. Photos of them from their relationship were new and present to me because I saw them in 2005 not when they were taken in 2004. I'm not sure the human brain is that great at processing things in their true time sense - we see what we see now as NOW. Ah but maybe that's just me.

 

You are concerned that their intimate past unnaturally flavours their present and future? Perhaps, but I think the 13 years that have passed since probably have overwritten that past intimacy completely. Maybe things were weird for them in the first couple of years or so after they broke up, but it's been a long time.

 

I guess stop and look at that 13 year old you, and ask yourself how much you relate to that person and her worries, loves and fears. Now I know that your 13 is different to his 18/20, but really, when they had those feelings for one another, you were being 13 year old krnswte143. Contextualise their past by your own and it becomes truly distant. What about when you were 15? Who did you have a crush on? What was your life about then? Well your boyfriend and his ex were broken up two years by then! Plot this in a timeframe - if you talked about this with him he would be using the 'real' timeframe for him, just like you use your 'real' timeframe for yourself. It's not real and current for him anymore except as a 'sister' type relationship.

 

It might have been bad judgement for him to list her as his reference, I don't know. But I don't think he's saying you are less important to him. He has just thought 'oh, who knows me best/longest, who is most impartial'. She's family to him, she's not sexual or romantic. You're competing with a sister figure, the issue for you is whether that's still a problem for you. You indicated at the start that it wouldn't be, it's their past that upsets you...

 

Be strong my friend, and start talking more positively to yourself about this. If he has given you no other cause to doubt his feelings for you, then try and not doubt them as best you can. Is there anything you think he can reasonably do to help you feel better but also keep his friendship with her? Anything you might be able to suggest to him?

[krnswte143]

thanks for comment caro.. as i posted on my other thread.. i was planning on breaking up with my boyfriend because i dont know if i could handle this anymore. im emotionally drained now.

 

i want to look at it a bigger picture and see things differently.. but for some reason im not looking at it now. i dont know why. i love my boyfriend and i do really care for him.. but i dont know if i could do it anymore..

 

 

plus seem to me my bf doesnt want to be with me anymore.. its a feeling i get.. i keep gettin these feeling.. i did talk to him last weekend and he said he doesnt want to break up with me... but i dont know why i keep thinking that he wants.. .

 

jus an hour ago we talk on the phone.. i was of course sad was talkin in a sad tone... and he didn really talk... and said he had to go cus someone was calling him.

 

i dont know...

[caro33]

Sweetie I'm sorry and I hope you feel better soon, whatever the outcome.

[Robby Housel]

save your self honey he is hanging on by a thread, if she told him to paint the town red he would grab a paint brush.