Does this make any sense to anyone?

[chigal28]

After getting out of a four-year relationship and then spending the next three years chasing/dating/otherwise beating my head against the wall with many varieties of emotionally unavailable guys, for the past 10 months or so I've been dating a *wonderful* guy, who makes me feel like the most beautiful, funny, exciting person in the world. But for some reason I just don't understand, I also really don't even recognize (or like) myself anymore.

 

This will sound weird, but I know I used to gauge how fun and attractive I was by how many guys I flirted with, dated, etc. That buzz of energy carried over into my friendships, and I was spunky, energetic and fun. Now that I'm with someone who I truly value and care about, my desire to flirt with other guys has gone pretty much down to zero. But the fact that I don't flirt anymore, combined with the fact that my boyfriend and I haven't been intimate in more than a month (even though we're working on it) has made me feel....for lack of a better term....dead inside.

 

With no outlet, my sex drive has pretty much disappeared entirely, and I used to be a VERY sexual woman. Without it, and without that little spring in my step that comes from it, I feel frumpy, boring and just...plain and dull. I miss the old me, who used to be the confident, spunky, fun girl, but short of going back to flirting with guys like Scarlett O'Hara at the barbecue at Twelve Oaks, which I DO NOT want to do out of respect for my partner, or worse, breaking up with my boyfriend, I don't know what else to do.

 

Not to be too graphic or anything, but I don't even have the energy or desire to "take care of things" for myself anymore. I don't feel like me.

 

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Suggestions? I've tried working out at the gym, but the effects are so temporary....

[Momene]

It's probably depression or anxiety. It plays havoc with my sex drive.

[OceanEyes]

There's something that is a bit unclear to me: do you think that it's your lack of sex drive that is causing depression, the feeling of "emptiness", and the lack of sexual activity? Or, is it that you haven't been intimate with your boyfriend in over a month and haven't flirted in a long time that is getting you 'down'?

 

We ALL go through rough patches. And there are many people who will tell you that sex is the key ingredient in a healthy and happy relationship, and to a great extent - it is. However, when your mental state is constantly a roller-coaster and you're feeling down more than you're feeling happy, sex and all things sexual take a back seat to feelings of emptiness and discomfort.

 

It sounds a bit to me like your relationship has gotten a bit stale, and that you're more the type who likes the initial excitement of a NEW relationship or the possibility of one. It's not wrong to crave new and exciting things, and it's quite possible that you're not into your current man enough to want to see things through.

[chigal28]

OceanEyes,

You ask a great question right away in your post, and I guess my answer is that I don't really know which is the cause and which is the effect--if I'm down because my sex drive is gone, or vice versa. I'm researching depression, and it seems I have plenty of the symptoms, but I've been told it's very dangerous to self-diagnose....but my therapist told me last week it seems that I have at least mild depression (this is after seven months of visits with her), and we're going to look more into that.

 

You are absolutely right that I've always thrived on the excitement of a new relationship, but it really scares me to think that I NEED that. Because I really would like to get married and have a family someday, and that requires some stability!! I guess I'm just not sure how to have stability AND excitement...if that makes any sense...so I've shut down the part of myself that loves excitement so I can be in this relationship, and I'm feeling lost.

 

I don't want to start over again with someone else just to have that new rush of excitement, because I'm with a *great* guy now, and I know from past experience that the grass isn't greener...I just want to have my inner sparkle back....I don't know.

[OceanEyes]

You are absolutely right that I've always thrived on the excitement of a new relationship, but it really scares me to think that I NEED that. Because I really would like to get married and have a family someday, and that requires some stability!!

 

I completely *get* what you're saying here, because I've had similar issues my whole life. I think they are usually referred to as "daddy issues", lol !!! And hey, I'm not saying that you have daddy issues, but I'm willing to bet that there were some family issues during your developmental years that may be a contributing factor to this "problem". Here's a mini checklist on whether or not you may have a bit of a battle ahead:

 

* You always "wear the pants" in the relationships you choose.

 

* You're always the one to bail, usually out of boredom.

 

* You choose "nice guys", but get bored easily.

 

* You love the thrill of the chase, but find long-term relationships drain you of your energy.

 

I don't want to start over again with someone else just to have that new rush of excitement, because I'm with a *great* guy now, and I know from past experience that the grass isn't greener...I just want to have my inner sparkle back....I don't know

 

This is very difficult to get back, though. The reason for that is simple: no matter who you end up with, or how exciting they are in the beginning, things will always settle down and a symbiosis develops. This is usually considered a good thing by most, but you need more, right?

 

What I see happening here is that you're simply not ready to be committed long-term. You can't have both (unless you want to live a double life and be that girl), but you can seriously consider all options and alternatives to being coupled up or single. When you meet the right guy, you just know that you wouldn't want anyone or anything else. He's probably a great guy, but you're bored. For many people, boredom is one of the worst possible scenarios and is reason enough to be single.