valenski Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Average Life Hello average desk And average chair with average lumbar support Hello average mouse And average PC with NO USB port?! On an average wall a clock ticks away The seconds of the average day An averge Lunch An average Tray A long table where people sit in an average bunch An average walk to the bus stop where I commute Forty five minutes later I get off where the trains like to toot Finally my average home, on the couch I watch bewitched And to the average kitchen to make a sandwhich Pull back the covers of my average bed Till eight hours later I'll do it all again. By V a l e n s k i Link to comment
Scout Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Great poem! And pretty much exactly why I checked out of working for "The Man." Life's too short to spend it voluntarily imprisoned in a cubicle. Link to comment
Down-In-A-Hole Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Good job. I like the ironic mood you set by presenting a very depressing subject matter through a simple and relaxed prose. The daily grind in our Westernized world is serious problem that robs many people of an authentic life. I have one question: if you replaced "average" with "perfect" would you still find the life you described depressing? I certainly would. Anyway, I generally find the majority of poetry on this board pretty horrid, but I do like this one. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 The daily grind in our Westernized world is serious problem that robs many people of an authentic life. Yes, indeed. Link to comment
valenski Posted September 30, 2006 Author Share Posted September 30, 2006 I have one question: if you replaced "average" with "perfect" would you still find the life you described depressing? I certainly would. Hey Down in a hole, My answer is that I dont really believe that life can be perfect or that it should, I believe its a really long lesson taught through may may experiences so if life was smooth sailing then what would we learn? I generally find the majority of poetry on this board pretty horrid Yeah some are a little gloomy but not all of them and I find that the poems here are really expressive, they convey exactly what it is the writer experiences. Link to comment
Down-In-A-Hole Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Hey Down in a hole, My answer is that I dont really believe that life can be perfect or that it should, I believe its a really long lesson taught through may may experiences so if life was smooth sailing then what would we learn? The point I was trying to illustrate by asking that question was that even if all those "average" commodities were actually "perfect" commodities, your poem would still have a depressing message behind it. Whether or not your PC has USB support or not is not the heart of the issue, it's the monotony of daily grind you're pointing out. The word "average" is your personal artistic choice that adds greatly to the mundane nature of the message; that word carries a lot more weight with this subject matter and I think it works great. Yeah some are a little gloomy but not all of them and I find that the poems here are really expressive, they convey exactly what it is the writer experiences. I agree with you that the poetry here is really expressive. But that does not make good poetry. Just as in any artform, there are tools used to express the specific message. In poetry, those tools are language, words, structure, style, rhyme and rhythm. To have a great poem would mean a deep understanding of these tools. And I think you misunderstood me. I never claimed to have a problem with "gloomy" poetry. Link to comment
Ms. Babydoll Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Your poem is very interesting and true, well done Link to comment
valenski Posted October 1, 2006 Author Share Posted October 1, 2006 I agree with you that the poetry here is really expressive. But that does not make good poetry. Just as in any artform, there are tools used to express the specific message. In poetry, those tools are language, words, structure, style, rhyme and rhythm. To have a great poem would mean a deep understanding of these tools. And I think you misunderstood me. I never claimed to have a problem with "gloomy" poetry. You're right, I did misunderstand but I have to disagree with you on what makes a good poem. While literary tools and devices add to the over all presentation of a poem, if the reader is unable to recognise them then they (literary devices) are pointless. The poetry on these pages are ameture, I'm not saying there isn't some splendid, well written, pieces scattered here and there, but I think the poems are really more theraputic than ingenius in nature. Oh I dont speak for everyone, this is only my opinion. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 I think the poems are really more theraputic than ingenius in nature. Oh I dont speak for everyone, this is only my opinion. You're right, though...the Poetry forum is yet another place on eNotalone where people can express how they're feeling. Poetry can be very therapeutic to write, and in some cases (like with this poem), to read! Link to comment
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