Guys, how should I proceed with this shy guy?

[Karainbow]

Hi Guys

 

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[Cid]

I think that you should just ask him out, nothing big something that seems like you would do with a friend and see how that goes. I was ....... ok I am a shy guy and I know how he feels. Some times us shy guys just need someone else to start the ball rolling and then we will go after it.

[Batya33]

It sounds like he's not the least bit shy - and even if he is a little shy, definitely not too shy to ask you out. Also, he now knows for sure that you are interested since you "hooked up" with him already. My guess is since he works at a bar and is paid to be nice to customers (the nicer he is, the bigger the tips) you might have misread some of his looks to be looks of interest in you romantically. It sounds unfortunately like he is not "that" into you. He will definitely be willing to hook up with you again, just be sure that you are ok with a fling and/or ok with being the pursuer throughout this relationship, with the risk that if/when he does meet someone he is "that" into he may reject you. If I were you I would let him make any more moves and unless he calls you up and asks you out in advance for a proper date I would remove him from your dating "radar."

[annie24]

unfortanetly... I agree with Batya.

 

I think you had the right idea when you said, "Ask me out again when you are sober." I think that was a good move on your part... like you're not just going to be the "drunk hookup girl." that's good. do NOT be in that category!

 

anyways, i would say that the ball is in his court now. yeah, you can be the drunk hookup girl, but that's not going to go anywhere. I wouldn't ask him out, I think that you have already shown that you're interested and receptive, as long as he makes moves when he is sober!

 

anyways, I'd also let him make the next move... i bet he will probably do something soon.

 

good luck

[SarCareBear]

can you people please stop reading "he's just not that into you!"

 

i have plenty of guy friends who say those situations are bull * * * *. not all guys are obnoxious, animalistic, emotionless buffoons. they are complex too, and can get worried over what to say and do.

 

so saying he would ask you out if he was "that into you" is a bit of an extreme over-generalization.

 

i hope that terrible book leaves america's collective conscious ASAP, so it can quit ruin dating life for shy guys just because they aren't super-alpha-males!

[Batya33]

I followed most of the "Rules" and the "he's not into you' since approximately 1982. The rules was published in 1994 or so by the way. Nothing to do with books - those books just confirm what is generally the case with few exceptions. I think there is nothing wrong with a man who doesn't ask me out - nothing obnoxious. I do think people let themselves be lead on by members of the opposite sex by ignoring or choosing to misread signs of non-interest. In my experience (and those of everyone I know) most men, with few exceptions, will ask you out on a proper date if they are available for a relationship and emotionally available. I know of no happy healthy long term relationships where the woman did most of the initial pursuing - that is, asked the man out on most of the early dates - the first month or so - made most of the plans for the couple, etc.

 

It is very hard to ask someone out - no doubt - as I have done it and were it effective would have done it more often (I now have a boyfriend) - but most men (not all, I am sure there are a few exceptions) - who are emotionally stable will find the courage to ask a woman out for a cup of coffee if he is that interested. Of course the woman should behave in an approachable and friendly way to ease the risk, etc. If a man is that terrified to do this in these circumstances either he has significant social issues in general (and is not ready to date) or he is not interested enough to risk feeling scared. Again I am sure there are men who are available, interested, and for some reason insist on the woman doing most of the pursuing - (that man wouldn't be my type, but that's ok) but I have never met any like that.

 

In addition, I think men are very flattered by being asked out and pursued - that's not the issue - I am talking about the effectiveness of pursuing a man with whom you think you can see yourself long term or at least for more than a fling. If all one wants is a fling, then why not be up front and do most of the pursuing.

[annie24]

yeah, i pretty much agree with batya.

 

but the thing about the 'shy' excuse... I would think that once you have already made out, the "shy" excuse has flown out the window. The proverbial "ice" is broken, so to speak.

 

yes, there are tons of shy guys out there, and yes, many of them are afraid to make a move... however, it's been my experience that once there is kissing, they will get the green-light that it's safe to ask her out on a date!

 

It's my view that if a guy is still 'too shy' to ask a girl out after making out with her, that there is something else stopping him. it may not be that there is something wrong with the girl, maybe just other circumstances in his life, like maybe he is talking to his ex again, or is maybe reluctant to start something new as he is thinking of moving or starting a new career, but hasn't told anyone yet.