I lost control of myself… so now what?

[rekrapshyguy]

I am a senior at my school, and I have been going there four years. In those four years, I have made a reputation for myself as being one of the most placid guys around.

 

But, two days ago, I completely lost control of myself.

 

This girl, Terra, whom I like, really hurt me. I'm a little shy, so starting conversations isn't really easy for me, nor is talking to the opposite sex. I was trying to start up a conversation with her, but she just casually said, "Geoff, there is really no point in you talking to me, because no matter how much you try, I'm not going to listen." With that, she turned around and started chatting it up with the other guys.

 

Normally, this would pierce my confidence, and make me really depressed. But this was different… this time, I became enraged. But I am the type of person who keeps their emotions and feelings buried deep within. So, what I did on the outside was I just didn't talk for the rest of the day.

 

What was happening inside me though, was much more violent. My rage started to bubble, like lava inside a volcano… I knew that I might explode, shooting my fury out into the outside.

 

After lunch, I tried to fake being sick, and asked the nurse if I could call my mom to pick me up. She dismissed my plea, and instead told me to sit down for fifteen minutes before going back to class. What I was really trying to do was to go home before I lost control of my anger.

 

When I went back to class, and sat down to do my work, I was basically shaking. At any point, the littlest thing could set me off.

 

The guy next to me, a guy who I am friends with, and a guy who is always joking around with me, was the one to trip the explosion. All he did was slap me on the cheek with his calculator. That is all it took for me to loose it.

 

In an unconscious series of irate acts which has been haunting me ever since, the red hot frenzy which I had been trying so hard to keep under control was let loose. Without thinking, I turned towards my friend, roared out, "WHAT THE F**K?!?!", punched him as hard as I could in the arm, ripped my text book in half effortlessly, and grabbed the glasses off my face, crumpled them like a piece of paper, throwing them on the ground.

 

That is all that I can remember, but from what the principle later told my mom, my friend had his palms over his face, trying to protect himself, and I when I was marched out the room, I had my fists up and the teacher was afraid I was going to hit him.

 

As I was being walked out, I remember all the people in the room wore an expression over their face like they were going to die in fright. You see, I am the biggest and strongest in my school… before this incident, I was known as the jolly green giant.

 

I remember myself pleading to be kicked out of the school, and I must have had an expression on my face that would scare the hell out of the toughest guy… I must have looked like a crazy guy who had just escaped from the mad house.

 

Along with myself, the teacher marched my friend out of the room also. We were taken down to the principle, and by the time we reached her office, my wrath was replaced with pure horror of what I had just done. My friend all this time, was apologizing to me like a servant to his master. Once my guilt kicked in, I was begging him to not take it personally, and that I was sorry.

 

Once we reached the principle, she must have sensed that I was already going through my own purgatory, and she just told me to sit down in her office for the last hour and a half of the day. As for my friend, she told him to go back to class. She pointed out to me that my finger was bleeding and told me to go get a band-aid.

 

As soon as I did, the realization of what I had done hit home even stronger. I bit my lip so hard that it started to bleed, trying to hold back my tears. I walked as fast as I could to the bathroom, locked the door, and before I could even sit down on the toilet, the tears came flowing out of my eyes like a waterfall. Cowering in the corner in a ball, I cried to myself, "I'm a f***in' monster!" over and over again for about fifteen minutes. At that point, I really didn't care if the whole school could hear me or not… I was too over over come with horror and grief.

 

When I could cry no more, I got up, and saw that my eyes were all watery and red. I wiped them off, and walked back to the principles office.

 

Later that day, when I got home, I talked to my friend on AIM. He told me what I had already suspected… that I had scared the living daylights out of everyone.

 

So, here is the inevitable question… when I go back to school Tuesday, what on earth do I do to fix what I have done?

[jaiva]

I don't think you can fix it. However, you have now learned that you should never let your anger get bottled up again. If something bothers you let it out immediately. Tell that person off or express to them how they made you feel, but don't hold it in.

 

[rekrapshyguy]

I don't think you can fix it.

 

So what do I do when I go back?

[shelly7]

Ouch, but I think it's going to be okay. You just have to make sure you don't let yourself bottle up all of your emotions.

 

Maybe you can ask your teacher if you can have a minute of class time to apologize to him and the class. I have a feeling you're a pretty well liked guy and everyone will be more than happy to forgive and forget. Good luck!

[Gecko]

Wow, sounds like a nightmare of a day.

 

To be honest, this is one of my greatest fears concerning school. I'm also the type of guy to hold in my emotions and at times it feels like I'm gonna burst. I think, 'what would happen if I just went completely psycho right now?'

 

You can't change what happened in the past, but I would look at it like this: you don't have much to lose now that something like that happened. Let this sort of thinking free your mind. It's a new beginning. Maybe now it would be easier to learn how to let your emotions out gradually (something I need to learn). Think of possibilities. Just keep your mind open, and know that this is probably for the best.

 

In the meantime you could also look at less painful ways to release your anger. Music, poetry, art?

 

I'm sorry I can't provide more specific advice, but hope this helps.

[rekrapshyguy]

Ouch, but I think it's going to be okay. You just have to make sure you don't let yourself bottle up all of your emotions.

 

Maybe you can ask your teacher if you can have a minute of class time to apologize to him and the class. I have a feeling you're a pretty well liked guy and everyone will be more than happy to forgive and forget. Good luck!

 

Thanks... thats what my mom told me to do, but its going to be really aqward. Is there anyway that I could do it without the aqwardness?

[Gecko]

I would try to keep things as light-hearted or neutral as possible. Don't be too hard on yourself, it'll do no good.

[shelly7]

Just write down a few sentences that you would feel comfortable saying.

 

For example,

 

I just wanted to apologize to everyone and to you Mr. X for my outburst the other day, I'm sorry I had a lot of personal issues that were bothering me, and I just let my anger get the best of me. I promise nothing like that will ever happen again, and I'm really sorry if I scared anyone.

 

Of course play around with the words and say something that would make you feel comfortable. I might also get to school early and speak to the teacher and tell him what you want to do, maybe he can help make the situation a little easier for you and help you figure out what to say.

[rekrapshyguy]

Just write down a few sentences that you would feel comfortable saying.

 

For example,

 

I just wanted to apologize to everyone and to you Mr. X for my outburst the other day, I'm sorry I had a lot of personal issues that were bothering me, and I just let my anger get the best of me. I promise nothing like that will ever happen again, and I'm really sorry if I scared anyone.

 

Of course play around with the words and say something that would make you feel comfortable. I might also get to school early and speak to the teacher and tell him what you want to do, maybe he can help make the situation a little easier for you and help you figure out what to say.

 

Thanks... this helps alot, along with everyone elses suggestions. Thanks