When will the crying and nostalgia end?

[Delusion]

I've been having a rough couple of weeks and especially the past couple of days. It's been a been a little over five months since my ex bf broke things off and three months since I started NC. I've been very nostalgic, sad and the crying is back. I was doing good but then all the memories and reminders of the good moments came back as well as the bad ones. If you've read my posts you can see I was the one to blame for almost all our arguments and ended up pushing him away. I keeping playing over and over in my mind that he told me I pushed him away, I embarrased him in front of his friends and that he can't do it anymore. And at the same time I remember him telling me he wasn't with anyone and didn't want to be with anyone and that he needed to time to work on himself emotionally and physciologically and that he thought I needed that time too. How do I forget all of this? I'v prayed and asked for God's forginess and have gone to see a counselor. I'm trying to work on myself but I feel right now that I'm falling back to where I was after our breakup. When will this end? I've asked God that if he's not for me to help me get over it and move on. I don't know what else to do. I'm starting no to have much appetite again and don't feel like doing anything.

 

I've gone out with friends, dated and keep doing things to keep my mind off of him but it all is temporary and I don't seem to find a lasting solution. Please, can someone tell me what more do I need to do? Why to I feel like he's happy while I'm so miserable? I think that this is Karma, that maybe I deserve to be hurting the same way I hurt him. Not doing good today.

[joyce1412]

first of all, just as it takes two to have a great relationship, it takes two to screw one up. don't blame yourself too much.

 

you are doing the right things to keep busy. keep doing them. i wish i didn't have to tell you this, but nothing is a "lasting solution" right now. you just move on, bit by bit. some days you'll feel worse but it's all a part of the upward trend you're on that will bring you back to homeostasis at some point, probably a few or several months.

 

when will the crying and nostalgia end? well, i'm four months out of my breakup. i got some sad news about my ex (that he might be dating one of my friends) the other day, and to be honest i cried from day to night. and as much as i don't want them to, good memories will pop up in my head at random times or after seeing something that triggers the memory of an event with him. so they haven't ended yet for me, i'm sorry to say. but i will say that the crying is now a rare thing, and the nostalgia comes much less often. and when the nostalgia does pop in, it's like, "oh, yeah, that reminds me of the day at the beach with him. okay, moving on." it's not as EMOTIONAL an event anymore, more like i'm just remembering it, recognizing it, and then thinking about something else.

 

try not to dwell on the good memories when they come up. if anything, dwell on the BAD ones. before i was in a very unrealistic stage regarding how i viewed my ex; i only remembered the good things about him and forgot his flaws. so to balance this, i wrote out a list of everything i hated about him, and all the things he did to piss me off or embarrass me or make me feel terrible (this came especially in the breakup). so now instead of the good memories i choose to think about THOSE, and why he simply doesn't deserve me or my love. maybe you could try that.

 

hope that helps.

[Delusion]

Thanks Joyce. I guess the hard part is that he was so good to me and sadly I was the one who was not so good to him, that's what makes it hard to think of him negatively. I know no one is perfect and he wasn't but he was NOT a bad guy that treated me badly, disrespected me or cheated on me. If anything he was good and my parents knew that and saw it. Not that I wish he was an jerk but in some ways it this would be easier. I appreciate your advice and I know that I must continue and move b/c there is no going back to what is done. The memories and nostalgia are still hard to swallow but I know that at some point time will take the pain the away. Guess, I'm impatient and want all of it to end quickly. I have to be patient and know that everything will work out. I'm trying.

[joyce1412]

trust me, i am more impatient than anyone on this earth, and my progress post-breakup has felt so tedious. that's the way of it, unfortunately: little by little.

 

my ex was not a bad guy...until the breakup. he was a total jerk in the breakup. maybe yours wasn't, but i think you have to focus on the fact that he LET YOU GO AND BROKE YOUR HEART to understand that he, too, is flawed and has caused distress in your life.

 

and just to put it out there, i think it's really easy to focus on what you did wrong in the relationship. i remember, particularly in the few weeks following the breakup, feeling AWFUL because i was concentrating on all that i had done wrong. i guess i just want to say that in several weeks you really, truly may feel differently. it's important to note a lot of us go directly to what WE did wrong because it's likely that in the breakup, our exes told us everything that was wrong with us, everything we did to "drive them away"--or like your ex said, "push him away." it seems you are no different. yes, you might have done some things wrong, but we ALL have, and that usually gets shoved in the face of the dumpee because we ask "what did i do wrong," and the dumper is usually more than happy to speak up about it.

 

try to chew on that for a while.