What to do?

[Snow Patrol]

I apologize for the length of this, thanks if you choose to read it.

 

I had been with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years until 9 days ago when she broke up with me. She finishes university next year and plans to go to Europe for a while to teach dance. We are both from Bermuda and go to university in Canada but about an hour apart so our relationship was an LDR. After she told me in person I was confused about what she was saying and wanted to try to clarify where I stand. So I emailed her and she emailed me back. This is some of what she said:

 

"First of all please do not think I don't want to hear from you. I still care for you deeply and have been worried about how you are doing. The truth is I have checked my e-mail every day hoping that you would have gotten in contact with me.

 

I didn't realize that you would be willing to move somewhere else for me. I can't believe that you would make that sacrifice because I know how important returning to this island means to you. You are right in thinking that this was a big factor in my decision for two reasons. First, if you were willing to move and you were not happy wherever we ended up I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that your unhappiness was because of me. And second, when you told me on Sunday you would be willing to do this I thought about what a big sacrifice that was and I was scared because right now I am not in a place to make a life altering decision based on our relationship. I am scared to commit to you because I am having doubts and I feel that right now the only way I can see whether I am meant to be with you is if I spend sometime being single and see how I feel. A month from now I might feel differently or I might not and that is why I have done what I have done. I did not feel it was fair to lead you on in believing that we would always be together. This decision was not something I have rushed into without thinking about and if there was another way I believe I would know but as of right now I feel that this is the right decision even though it is the hardest.

 

And although I don't know what the future holds for us , I believe what we each are going through at the moment has been planned and has a purpose."

 

Our relationship was as close to the perfect love as I could have ever hoped for. I have no doubts that she was the one for me. She emphasized in size 20 font the 'love,' at the end of the email.

 

She said to me in person that she is scared that she is planning to go away to Europe for an indefinite period of time when she finishes in one year's time and doesn't see an end to the distance and when we would ever be together. I have 2 years left at university myself.

 

My take on the situation is that she is in love with me but she needs time to figure out whether our relationship is worth sticking to knowing the difficulties distance will continue to have on us. Of course this may not be the case, but it's what makes the most sense to me. She told me in person she needs to "try this", who knows what that means but to me it's an indication that she will feel better able to make a final decision on our relationship in some time. How much time? Who knows? She mentions a month in her email so I would presume by the end of the semester (4 months) she will have made her decision.

 

She knows by my email there is no middle ground. I love her to death and I want to be with her but if we maintain occasional contact I think she would know it's because I care for her and want to know how she's doing. To NC for months could give her the impression that I'm getting over her and that we couldn't get back together.

 

So at the end of the day this is how I see it. She still loves me and has told me that she is not interested in anyone else. I have no doubts this is the case because why break up with me and then go out with someone else when she is only in Canada for another year and then she plans on going to Europe? It'll be LDR all over again. She is not the type to have a fling based on her beliefs.

 

So perhaps low contact is the way to go. Like I'll give her some time, maybe a month, and then just let her know anything new in my life and ask how's school going, that sort of thing. occasional contact is still giving her space, and she will still be knowing what's going on in my life which I think she wants from what she said in the beginning of her email. If it carries on like this, I may find out more on how she feels... ie I miss you too much and want to talk about reconciliation, i just want to be friends, etc. Eventually I'll ask her, maybe at the end of the semester in December where she stands.

 

It's a tricky one for sure. I'll definitely give her a few weeks before I consider dropping her a line.

 

Trying to get over the one you love so deeply, the person you know is your soul mate makes it all the more challenging, especially when I am sure she still loves me. This is why I can't give up all hope. She told me she really enjoys being with me and that's it's not me but the distance is hard. So the way she left it, i think it's a break for her to figure out if this is what she really wants to do or for her to realize what she will be losing. Whether the break becomes permanent I have no idea. It seems like she will come to a decision one way or the other by her email, she just needs time to make her decision.

 

Any thoughts on the LC, does it make sense when I think their is a realistic chance she may come back to me, even though there's still a good chance she may not? Thanks for reading this.

[beck24]

wow dude. so many of us are in the same boat.

 

I would definitely give her some time. That's what she wants. I would suggest NC at first. And then maybe very LC after a couple months or something. But really NC is probably best as hard as it is. It feels very passive but really you want her to want you. You don't want to have to convince her of that. You want her to miss you so much she can't stand to be without you and she has to get back together. But really these are just the things I'm telling myself right now. I don't know how realistic they are. There are no easy answers. Focus on yourself and your life. Get out and do something.

[Snow Patrol]

Yeah, I guess NC for awhile and see how it goes. She may contact me after all and want to discuss things, for better or worse.

[Snow Patrol]

I just read something on a forum which posed a series of questions similar to this:

 

Has anyone ever experienced being in a relationship with someone and it was getting to the point where if you stay with that person it would eventually lead to long term commitment/marriage so you just breakup with them out of the blue to go see if the grass is greener...

 

Like you break up to make sure that you are meant to be? If that makes sense?

 

Just curious if things like this happen?

 

 

 

This sounds like a real possibility in my situation. Things were great and then ended abruptly. In her email she said she needs time to decide if we are meant to be together. Perhaps she needs to do this so that she can commit to me fully. I feel like she's doing this because she needs to know that this is what God has planned.

 

I can't help but think that if this is the case, and she decides to commit to me, this will only make our relationship stronger. I can only pray that God leads her back to me or changes the desire of my heart.

[Viper62382]

I think planning to do something like that is playing with major fire.

[hjc]

I think planning to do something like that is playing with major fire.

 

I agree but that doesn't neccessarily mean that people won't do it. Sometimes emotions cause people to do disfunctional things...