empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hey guys... i know i said i wasnt going to call him, and i havent, but its only been one day and this is getting very hard for me.. i really want to talk to him and call him... to make matters worse.. one of my good friends (who is the sister of one of his good friends) called me... and a few minutes later i heard his voice because he had just gotten there (he uses his friends pool to go swimming to prepare for the state test)... it killed me to hear him there knowing he could be with me since he probably would be with me if we were together... then he asked if she was on the phone with me and she said yes.. and he said "oh... tell her ill call her when i get home after i take a shower"... he dosent think my friend knows what is going on but still.. like he couldnt just tell me himself or call me on the way there or on the way back home.. it was like a slap in the face... why cant this just get fixed already?? i thought we would be back together and happy by now when this first happened... boy was i wrong and its really taking a toll on me... if you read my first post you know the situation.. and i thought i felt better today.. but now i feel much worse all over again.. why cant things just get better again already?? what does he have to think about so much that he cant think about it by now (8 days) i know it dosent seem like a long time but i never thought he would have to think more than a couple of days... i feel like by me not calling him that he is going to think i dont want to work things out and that im giving up which im not... im far from it.... i cant believe this is happening to me... to us... im in a daze and i want to know when its going to be over..cant i just call and make things work somehow... i love him... so much Link to comment
Viper62382 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 I would take a deep breath, try to calm your nerves, and not focus on it. I know how you feel, it is impossible to get your ex off your mind. And it will be for a long time. If he calls and you think you can talk without getting emotional, I say pick up, otherwise, let the phone ring and dont answer. And take a few more deep breathes, and then call him back if your ok. Something I should have done when I tried to talk to her was to write down on a peace of paper and hold it infront of me saying in capital DONT GET EMOTIONAL. FOCUS. HE NEEDS YOU. YOU DONT NEED HIM. (she in my case) I wish I had thought of that all the times I spoke to her and spoke to her like an emotional wreck. Trust me, a reminder like that infront of you while you talk to him will help the convo alot. And dont speak about the relationship. This is talked alot on here. Only reply if he brings it up, and remember what you wrote down on the paper! Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 thank you viper.. i was thinking about it and i know i cant get emotional.. i have to act as if im OK even though im dying inside and i want to tell him how much i love him and how we should be together right now and how much its hurting me... but i cant... i have to act like im ok... that piece of paper idea is a good one... maybe i will try it... i wish i felt like he needs me.. but if he needed me wouldnt he be with me right now... i have been reading some of your posts throughout the day...how are you doing in your situation?? anything new?? im not calling... im not going to be emotional... i have to breathe...just hearing his voice over the phone when he was there killed me... and he couldnt even tell ME he would call me he had to tell my friend to tell me... why?? we shared our lives and now he cant even tell me things like that... i dont know how i can take this... Link to comment
lozic21 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 It kills you hearing his voice, so you dont need to talk to him on the phone or it will make it worse. He doesn't miss you yet because you haven't given him a chance to. If he thinks you're ok, then it will cause him to hurry to a decision before he loses you...right now he knows your sitting around waiting if you call.. Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 i have to call... i cant sleep and i feel sick.... why did he tell my friend he would call me when he wont.. he never used to do that... why... i feel as if he is waiting to see if i will call him... i feel physically ill right now... Link to comment
lozic21 Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 You are going to smother him...if he wants to talk to you he will call you. Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 well... he called me and after some awkward silence he said "what are we going to do this weekend" which caught me completely off guard and confused me.. he was making it seem like nothing ever happened....he didnt say id like to talk to you about this this weekend... just "what are we going to do this weekend" ...i responded by asking him if we were going to talk about the situation before we do anything else....(i did this because i dont want to just become a FWB or a "friend" or a back burner girlfriend and if its not to figure things out i dont want to just do something on a weekend without knowing where we stand).... after some silence he said..."well.... yea" but i couldnt tell if it was reluctantly or making it seem like i should already know that... what is going on.. i dont want to get my hopes up for nothing... the conversation ended because he had to take a shower and told me he would call me after, before he went to sleep... im happy that he brought up us seeing eachother... but im not quite sure what it meant... Link to comment
sillygurl Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Oh empty....don't backslide into misery! Be confident be confident be confident! Fake confidence till you feel it!!! Be the happy, fun girl he fell in love with, not the one who cries herself to sleep every night and wakes up with puffy eyes and a frown. Maybe he does want to see you and is looking forward to it, but you can't be all sad. Be light, happy, talk about things that are light and happy... if he's going through a lot of heavy stuff right now, the last person he'll want to spend time with is Miss Misery. Don't be Miss Misery, what ever you do, she will bum him out even more and he will run away looking for a new girl, one who is happy and fun... I was going through a pretty serious depression when my b/f started pulling away. At first he was supportive, but eventually it got to be too much for him and he started pulling away. (I don't blame him, I'm sure my misery was enough to suck the shine from the sun-- he's human, not a saint) The more he pulled away, the more I clung to him. I guilted him into spending time with me, he pulled away more, and now he is my ex because I just turned into the most depressing person to be around. The ONLY reason that we are even on the mend as friends is because I forced myself to get out there, socialize and have fun. He saw me out having fun and laughing one day, it was like he'd forgotten I knew how. (Granted, I've backslided into being FWB, but that's my own fault! Do as I say, not as I do, right? lol! Anyway, we're seeing each other this weekend, I'll deal with the FWB thing then) Can you go swimming at the friend's house and be all happy and cheery, and if so, will it get back to your bf? Remember, people are a lot like dogs. If you are all gloomy around your dog, he'll be gloomy too. If you jump around and play and have fun, the dog will want to join you. Run away & the dog will chase you, keep saying that to yourself! (and no I'm not saying your b/f is a 'dog' like it's a bad thing, ha ha) Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 lol i think we can all be "dogs" sometimes!! i dont want to be gloomy around him and i dont want to argue but I do want to know where I stand before we just start doing things again... i cant just act like nothing happened and just go out without at least knowing what he thinks of the situation... how can i have a conversation about where things stand without bringing things down?? any advice?? Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 am i just getting my hopes up...or is there a small chance that things may just be looking up? Link to comment
Lealing Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 lol i think we can all be "dogs" sometimes!! i dont want to be gloomy around him and i dont want to argue but I do want to know where I stand before we just start doing things again... i cant just act like nothing happened and just go out without at least knowing what he thinks of the situation... how can i have a conversation about where things stand without bringing things down?? any advice?? Hi Empty! I think it's best that you don't bring up the relationship situation when you see him. He probably already knows that you want to get back together with him so there's no point in harping on about it. If he's ready to get back together with you he'll do it in his own time. As for calling him all the time, I advise that you don't. I made the mistake of sending emails to my ex everyday for months after the break up. Now I only reply to emails when he sends me one first. I feel so much better for it as I know that he is thinking about me when he sends an email out of the blues. Try not to contact him unless he contacts you first. Trust me you'll feel better for it. Otherwise if you call him everyday you'll be smothering him and he won't find the time to miss you. As for your weekend with him, try to be a fun and lighthearted and don't get all heavy on him. He wants to spend a good weekend and not a miserable weekend being moaned at. Take care lealing Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 thanks... im going to try my hardest to not bring anything up... i just want to know where we stand, because its driving me crazy... and I know he will probably try to do something physical if we are alone and as much as I may want to, I REFUSE to do that if we are not COMPLETELY together again... i wont put myself through that pain... is there absoultely any way to find out without making things heavy? or should i really just let him bring it up unless he trys something and I have to explain why?? Link to comment
Lealing Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 thanks... im going to try my hardest to not bring anything up... i just want to know where we stand, because its driving me crazy... and I know he will probably try to do something physical if we are alone and as much as I may want to, I REFUSE to do that if we are not COMPLETELY together again... i wont put myself through that pain... is there absoultely any way to find out without making things heavy? or should i really just let him bring it up unless he trys something and I have to explain why?? If he tries anything physical then refuse him saying that it's not a good idea as you are no longer in a relationship with him. Just keep the weekend fun and go out as if you are just platonic friends. Don't bring up the relationship thing unless he does it first. He already knows that you want to be get back together with him so it's no use pressurizing him. It will only make the both of you miserable and will possibly drive him further away. Just enjoy your time together. Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 thanks for the advice... i just hope this weekend makes things better, not worse... im kind of nervous right now and im hoping he dosent change his mind about seeing me this weekend... im trying VERY hard not to get my hopes up like i ususally do only to be disappointed.. i should not expect anything, so that if something does happen I will be happy instead of expecting everything only to be disspointed... Link to comment
Lealing Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 thanks for the advice... i just hope this weekend makes things better, not worse... im kind of nervous right now and im hoping he dosent change his mind about seeing me this weekend... im trying VERY hard not to get my hopes up like i ususally do only to be disappointed.. i should not expect anything, so that if something does happen I will be happy instead of expecting everything only to be disspointed... Yeah, don't expect too much from the weekend so then you won't be disappointed if things don't go as planned. Just try to have fun together and enjoy each others company. Link to comment
LostAngel Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hi Stay strong & keep reading here, I think everyone has really given you good advice. You have to be the person he fell in love with not the person he wants to end things with...Keep that in mind. Be yourself. I hope it all goes well. Keep us updated LostAngel Link to comment
empty421 Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 thank all of you for all your support.. i will defintely keep you posted and no matter what i will keep visitng this forum because i can only hope to give such good advice to others... still trying not to get my hopes up.. even though i admit i kind of am Link to comment
sillygurl Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 Hmm...don't know for sure if things are looking up or not, so I don't want to say the wrong thing, but it does sound better...but keep in mind that If I knew, I certainly wouldn't be here on this board, would I!? And yeah, we're all dogs sometime... me included! Soooo... since my problem is that I drove my ex away by getting too emotional and dreary, what I did when I saw him last weekend, was I kept it really light: I asked how he was doing, about his week and his friends w/out prying. Whenever he was vague, which drives me completely crazy because it usually means he's hiding something, I made myself be OK with it and casually dropped whatever he didn't want to talk about. I let us have silences instead of my constant chattering and was not uncomfortable with them...and when he seemed like he was tensing up, I'd just look at him with an open, happy smile. He literally seemed more relaxed to be around me again, it's been a while since I've seen that. I'm in the same boat, I really just want to come out and ask what the deal is, but I have to keep reminding myself not to ask questions that I might not want to hear the answers to...like "how do you feel about me?" or "What do you think about getting back together?" Maybe you could just ask casual, concerned questions like, "I know you've been under a lot of stress with the Fire Academy and all, how is everything going?" No man ever wants to hear "We need to Talk!" or anything even remotely like that. It probably wouldn't be wise if he knew you'd spent the time apart weeping endlessly, either, let him think you've been doing all kinds of creative, constructive things with your time. Link to comment
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