when she comes back, should I take her back?

[Chesnick]

My problem: I was dating this girl before summer for about two months. I hadn't been in a relationship for about, oh, 2 years, and I met her through my brother's girlfriend. We hit it off, blah blah blah, things were great between us. The thing is, she was planning on moving back to her hometown for the summer, where she would take community college classes and get a job. Her hometown is about a 4 hour drive from where I live, and I don't have a car, and she would be living with her family (which means NO VACANCY for me), so visiting her was nearly out of the question. Naturally I was worried, because I knew that she has a lot of friends and ex-boyfriends in her hometown. And she likes to party.

 

But she told me that I didn't need to worry, because she would keep in touch over the summer, and planned to visit me and her friends a few times, when she could. Besides, she would be coming back to school (University) at the end of summer. On top of all this, she often called me "perfect", and we really cared about each other.

 

So now it is August 19. She has not come to visit, and she hasn't contacted me in about three weeks. The last couple times I spoke with her she mentioned hanging out a lot with one of her ex-boyfriends, a guy who we both know still has a thing for her ('hanging out' includes drinking and drug use). As you may have guessed, I am feeling quite forgotten and abandoned. I even traveled up to her area a few weeks ago, hoping I could visit her, but in a short telephone conversation she told me she was busy and "wouldn't really be able to hang out."

 

As I normally do in such a situation, I have been trying to move on and not think about her as much. The problem is, I know she will come back in September. And when she comes back, there is a good chance that she will want to resume our relationship; we haven't formally broken up. But even though I will probably still have feelings for her, I feel like she let me down. She did everything I feared she would, even after she said she wouldn't. And even though she may want to be with me and continue our 'good times', now I get the impression that I am just one of many- just another guy that can buy her things and give her attention, like her ex-boyfriend. Suddenly she will need me, while all through the summer she didn't give a * * * * about me. Then again, part of me thinks that this is just the way she is; she will party it up with someone else, and expect me to do the same, under the pretense that it's nothing serious (whereas we ARE serious).

 

I know that the obvious response is "don't take her back! She's done you wrong! Move on!" But it will be hard to do that with someone who I still like, and who still likes me (sort of). Anyway, if she does come back and throws herself at me, should I turn her away, and choose loneliness on behalf of my principles? Or should I let what happened in the summer stay in the summer?

 

Thanks a lot for your opinions.

[RedyWaiting]

I'm not the best to respond to this since I really don't have any relationship experience, but something like this did actually happen to me this summer. I met this girl who was interested in me and I really fell for her (and since I've never been with anyone I fell fast and hard), but then slowly she got bored of me and moved on, and then I found out she first hit on both of my friends before me. She also always chills with her ex after midnight and goes out drinking a lot. Not exactly like your scenario because you seemed to be in more of a relationship, but these two girls do have similar styles. These kind of girls have been with many guys, been in many relationships, and get bored with some people real quickly. They're just looking for a "Summer Fling" you can call it. From what I'm slowly learning, you just gotta move on. Don't let girls like these drag you on because you just hurt yourself more thinking about it. You put so much effort into them and to them your just another "guy". It definitely hurts but it's something that happens to the best of us. When she comes back have a talk with her and maybe you can "try" to be friends which is very unlikely. But if she takes you back (and you probably will accept because most of us men are weak) I wouldn't go back. It can happen again and you'd just get hurt again.

 

I may be totally wrong because I don't know this girl, but that's what I think Let us know what happens when she comes back?

 

PS: I just saw your quote, "In love, there is always one who suffers and one who is bored. -Balzac" and Wow could that describe what hapenned to me and that girl anymore perfectly!

[rikka]

It wouldn't really be lonliness for the sake of your principles, it would be "lonliness" for the sake of self respect.

 

Up until your last paragraph, I was wondering what the concern or question was. It seems to me that she pretty much treated you like dirt. If there was a strong bond/attraction the two of you would have found a way to make the summer work. 4 hours and living with her parents are not exactly huge obstacles (IMHO).

 

At the very least there are fundamental character differences between the two of you, and I would use this summer as an opportunity to gauge what she can really be like - do you want to be with someone who is like that?

 

If it were me, I'd say it's over.