His best friend

[Smile_83]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months. We have never been friends before or anything, but began talking on the phone a couple weeks before we started going out. About one month into the relationship he was going through some major life adjustments, his family moved out of the country, he had a fairly new job, and lived on his own for about a month before I met him. The day his family left I came to see him, and was there for him anytime he needed something. He is very close to his best friend, but sometimes I feel that he would do anything for her, but when things come up for me, he doesn't have the time to come out and see me. We live a little over 40 miles apart, we work different schedules, when he's at work I'm sleeping, and vice versa. His best friend has always been there for him, and they are very close. I know there is no romantic bond between them, although I believe she has strong feeling for him. She always sounds like all of the problems she has, he is the only one who could help her, and everything that is going on she makes a really big deal and thy have to be addressed right away. In the very beginning right after she met me she told him that she won't let some girl ruin what they have together. Doe this sounds normal? I'm afraid to talk to him about that because he is very sensitive about this topic, but I feel like she's taking the only time away we could have together and plays a guilt trip on him. Should I wait longer for him to realize that he is not her babysitter and should find some time for me? Or since we haven't been together long at all I should wait to see if anything changes?

[Fisch]

If you have feelings on the matter, there is no reason to wait any longer, because there is no reason to think things will change. It sounds like a hard situation, because you probably dont want to make him choose between her and him. The ideal thing would be to talk to him about your concerns in a way that seems least like it is attacking him or her, but rather is just you saying how you feel. I think you need to be very honest and not get fly off the handle when you address it to him. It is great if he has close friends, but if it is taking time away from your relationship or they are doing things that make you uncomfortable then you have every right to tell him and put out consequences if he does not want to compromise. Relationships are about compromise after all. I would just say a lot of what you said here, something like:

I know your best friend has always been there for you, and you are very close. I know there is no romantic bond between you, although I believe she has strong feeling for you. She always sounds like all of the problems she has, you are the only one who can help her, and everything that is going on she makes a really big deal about and they have to be addressed right away. In the very beginning right after she met me she told him that she won’t let some girl ruin what they have together. (insert how this made you feel) I have been afraid to talk to you about that because you are very sensitive about this topic, but I feel like she’s taking the only time away we could have together.

 

On the other hand if you are willing to deal with it then at lesat let him know when he takes time away from you to tend to her (to a point that makes you uncomfortable), it hurts you. You should not wonder whether you are number one in your partners life.

[Momene]

It's a question of balance and she could feel left out.