Is my boyfriend a deadbeat?

[faeriechyld]

I've posted about my boyfriend before, and thought about breaking up with him, but didn't. He's 19, same as me, but I noticed a lot of people on here commenting about girls going for older guys. I have a reason for why I have begun to show an interest, but I'll get to that.

My boyfriend still has not found a better job, so, when we go out, I have to pay...for both of us. It's not so bad, as I make a fairly good amount of money compared to most people my age and I can afford it. But I'm not saving anything. He says he feels bad about it, but isn't doing anything to change it. He complains about his job all the time, but the only jobs he goes for are the ones I suggest. I feel like his mother sometimes.

He lacks things that I have started to look for in friends, as well as the opposite sex: ambition, drive, motivation, direction...things I have begun to obtain and take pride in. I consider myself very ambitious, I've only been working at my firm for 4 months and I'm already looking to move up. I know what I plan to do with my life and where I hope to go.

It's not just work that my boyfriend seems to lack these traits in. He also keeps telling me he is going back to school. It's August and he's stil not registered. If he doesn't want a full time job, at least register to go back to school so you're doing SOMETHING. It's just excuse after excuse. I registered only a week or so ago, granted, but I didn't receive notice of my transcript transfer until right before I registered. But at least I registered!!!

The reason I've been interested in older guys lately is because older guys have started their lifestyle and I feel I connect more with them than guys my own age because we have a similar lifestyle. They work and go to school, or just work full time. The problem with older guys in my area, is that guys my own age show interest in marrying me(which scares me as I have no intention of marrying so soon, my own personal view) and so guys that age here, not only show an interest, but tend to follow through. Plus they are closer to the age I plan to be when I marry, but I want to wait til that age...

My main question is, is my boyfriend a deadbeat, should I cool things off with him or break up with him? I don't know what to do....

[segagirl]

Hi,

 

Its not about if I think he is a "deadbeat" but, if you think he has the quailites you are looking for in a partner.

I mean some people don't care about what kind of motivation others have. If if upsets you, or if its not what you seek...then yes maybe time to move on. Actually dont be surprised that if you do move on, he starts being motivated! This happens all the time.

 

I think its fair and ok of you to want something different in a mate, as we get to know ourselves better, we tend to figure out what we want. Just be sure that finding a man that works all the time, and has success on the mind is something you want as well...then you start feeling like they never have time for you. Its just that everyone has thier bad points, you just have to decide what kind of qualities you can live with...and which ones you can't.

[Genesis]

Hello Friend,

 

I feel the same way about my ex. He does not have the ambition that I would like in a man.

 

I know how you feel. He has been begging me to come back to him lately, but I do not think I will take him up on his offfer.

 

I miss him dearly, but I ask myself all the time is this really the type of guy I could picture spending the rest of my life with?

 

I do not know.

 

 

I hope that I will finally make up my mind about him.

[ersumpin]

Well, looking at the three replies here it seems theses are all girls talking about their boyfriends. But I found it surprising that none of you mentioned in your letters about whether you had communicated this problem to your partner or not. I'm on the guy side and have gone through a similar break-up with the love of my life. She ended up leaving our relationship for her boss in the entertainment industry who was older and had a rich lifestyle already set up. Now, the thing is we moved to Cali to do movies and write and I was going to be the one to support us. At first I was because I got the first job then it fell through while her job remained steady. I was the motivation of our relationship and career but it was really hard to break into the industry. I became depressed that I couldn't support us and now she was having to pay my bills a little bit. Now if someone truly loved you, the money part would not matter. Sure it would be a huge stress but I had brought us to that point so far and now I was having her help me out a little. But in the end she never communicated anything to me that I wasn't living up to her expectations and requirements as a life partner. We were planning on marrying because we thought we were perfect for each other. But I kept my job in the construction world hoping to write at night while she continued her secretary job in the editing world. Then she became attracted to the older successful boss (who wasn't good looking so that didn't matter and she's a hottie.) She me claiming she need space while the whole time, it turned out, it was because of him. The funny thing was, was right at that time I had just decided to quit construction and really push for a foot into the entertainment arena, our dream. Well, I guess she thought that she had already grown in that direction without me. But that's why a great relationship can come to a dumb end because there was no communication about what needs needed to be worked on for it to survive. It's too bad that I want this cheater back because, besides that, we were one of those couples that had staying power. But humans do make mistakes and timing can be wrong. The point about older men that I am trying to make is that they have work those years that you haven't and gone through their own hardships to get what they want. I would consider sticking with what you have and work for your end together. It's the most rewarding and love will build while you do it. I just wish I could have seen that before the end came. Now, the ironic part is that I am more successfu than she is and it's only 4 months later and more on the path to the dreams that we once had together. But it doesn't seem to draw her back to me. It seems to me that she didn't even give me a chance to be her man when all I needed was a little time. Not the 5 years that her boss/bf has on me just some time, honesty and communication. I hope you can tak something from this that will help and if any of you have any suggestions as what to do get back with her (even though we haven't spoken in 1 and a half and she probably stills thinks I'm still depressed and heartbroken.) I've gotten beyond needing her and have moved on (kind of because I still want her in the back of my mind but only if she wants me) I just hope I'll be able to conquer that "Well we had or one shot and since I didn't end up staying with you it probably meant that we weren't meant to be together forever." She's never had to do anyhting for herself in life even at 23 and we thought we were soulmates she just lost that feeling and went for the boss. It's weird that we clicked so well for almost 2 years but the shallow wealth of LA got to her and she felt that it would take too long to work through hard times to get what we wanted. I guess she needs some growing up. I don't know. Hope someone does.

[faeriechyld]

To answer your question, ersumpin, yes I have communicated this to my boyfriend. It is not just the money that matters to me, it is the fact that I was raised to believe once you graduated high school, you either continued school at college, or you got a full time job. I tried college for a year and it didn't work out, but I am registered to go to the local community college parttime after I get home from my full time job. Yes, older guys do have an advantage as they have all of these years, but all I want my boyfriend to do is to find some sense of motivation, some ambition to do something better with his life than his current job. And I wouldn't even be pushing him for that if I wasn't so sick of hearing him complain about how much he hates it at his job. Wouldn't that give you motivation to find something better if you hated your job so much?

I know that it takes time to find a job, it took me 3+ months to score the job that I know have and believe me it was worth it. But my boyfriend has a habit of applying to one job and then waiting around for them. He doesn't seem to get the point that you have to try different places in order to find a job. Plus, he looks at it as I don't have much more experience than he does, and I got a great job, but yet...I had to go through tons of different types of job (retail, waitressing, babysitting, and finally office) to land this job that I have. He's worked at Burger King for 3 years now, but he can't seem to accept that he may have to work a few more not so great jobs before he can get the dream one.

The job isn't even the major issue, the main issue is him not having direction. Not having a clue about what he's going to do tomorrow, let alone 5 years from now. In all honesty, he could work at BK for the next 3 years(as long as I don't have to hear how bad it is 24/7) if he would do something. If he doesn't know what he wants to do in college, that's fine, but at least take some classes to help him figure it out.

As you can see, I am trying to be as understanding towards my boyfriend as possible, but I feel as if his lack of motivation is carrying on into our relationship. I want equality in the relationship, not me carrying it all on my shoulders. I have communicated many times that I want him to succeed in life and that I'm willing to help him find a better job, but it seems to be to no avail. I even wrote his resume and took it to MY company to see if he could get a job here. Do you understand why I'm so bothered?

I agree that your girlfriend did not give you a chance and that she should not have left you. I mean, even if you had not succeeded to your wildest dreams, at least you were working to earn a living and trying to help support her. Trying to break out in the entertainment industry is tough. I'm not asking my boyfriend for something like that, I just want him to either go to school full time or find a full time job that he enjoys or could learn to enjoy. I didn't think I was asking too much, but I've about had it with him not doing anything.

I completely understand your feelings towards the situation, but now I hope you understand my feelings towards my situation. I agree that you should work towards things together, but it's rather hard when one is not willing to work as hard as the other. Anyways, I hope I helped you to understand my side better and thank you for explaining your side.

[Genesis]

Most colleges have career counseling and it helped me alot when I first started school back in the day.

 

 

He can take a test that indicates his skills and his interests.

 

What is he passionate about, that may be the key to finding where his talents are.

 

He may not be a deadbeat just unfocused right now.

[faeriechyld]

Well, he really likes architecture, and at first, I thought that was what he wanted to go for. Then he showed an interest in working on high performance cars. But I think he's leaning back towards architecture now. We had a long talk on Sunday and he started looking at classes to take this semester online today. He's actually considering taking more than I am! He says he is going to work on finding a better job since he doesn't want to go to college full time. I told him this is his last chance, that I can't sit around and wait for him to figure out what he wants. That might seem kinda harsh, but all of this makes me feel like, if he doesn't know what he wants from life currently, how does he know he wants me? His actions(or lack thereof) are reflecting back on our relationship and that worries me. But I promised him I'd give him time as I know finding a job is not easy(I waited 3 months for mine) and getting back to school isn't easy either, but at least that's something we can do together. Keep your fingers crossed for me

[Aali]

You seem to know what you need to do. Leave him. I dated a guy 8 years older then I am and trust me no one has been nicer to me than him. They know how to take care of you and dont behave like stupid fools coz they know you will leave them if they do. They are wiser and should be more responsible. You dont want to get married now but later do you want to be with someone who cant take care of you? Cant even go to school and finish up? think about it......

[faeriechyld]

Well, I don't want someone to take care of me, I can take care of myself, but I would like someone who gives an equal share of the work, so I see your point. Quick question, are you still with the older guy? Just curious.