My friend told me he liked me and kissed me...and I'm not interested, please help!

[dulcineanyc]

I am having a bad dilema.

 

Last night while hanging out with my friend of a number of years, he confessed that he has deep feelings for me and kissed me. Unfortunately, I in no way return the feelings. The whole thing freaked me out and I sort of exited the scene quickly. Now I'm left with the dilema of what to say to him. I'm going through a really hard time with some other things so this is just sort of compounding to my stress levels. I don't like guys just kissing me, and now I find that I don't really want to be around him right now.

 

I feel very bad about this whole thing, but I am just extremely uncomfortable. Is it wrong to write him and email and explain that, though I am flattered, I am not interested in him in that way? On top of everything, we are involved in a group together. I don't like getting involved with anyone I work with in any way.

 

I'm really confused and freaked about the whole situation! Advice is needed!!!

[sumguy]

Wow, you just described the situation of one of my friends almost exactly... you wouldn't happen to live in Mandurah, Australia would you? ^_^

 

She told him how she felt honestly, that she was flattered but ultimately uninterested in anything beyond a friendship, and things seem okay between them now.

 

Hope this helped =)

[Dating Coach]

You have to understand that guys like this can be extremely dense. I know because once upon a time I was a guy like this. He will continue to have hopes that you will change your mind and start liking him unless you absolutely crush his hopes. You see, he's liked you for a very long time and he has built you up so much. It's not easy for him to dismiss those feelings and he will continue to try. You have to crush him. It sucks, but it's the only way otherwise he will continue to follow this dead end trail. For both of your sakes you must end it.

 

You should pull him aside and tell him gently, but firmly that you are in NO WAY attracted to him. Not now, and not ever. I'm serious, you have to do it like this. If he starts getting whiney and asking why, don't offer him any excuses like, "I'm not ready to date anyone right now" or anything like that at all, because he will continue to try and continue to wait for you. You have to be hard on him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you just aren't interested at all and don't see him as boyfriend material. Tell him that he needs to move on.

 

In fact, it would be good to cut contact with him for awhile. Tell him you are doing it. Tell him that you need to be apart and can't be hanging around as friends so much until he can accept that there's nothing here and so he can move on completely.

 

I know it sucks to have to be put in this situation, but it's not your fault. It's his. The best road is not the easy one and you need to be firm and unbudging. Good luck.

[Bounder]

While I agree you will have to be firm with him and not give him any hope to hang onto, dont crush him either if he was that much of an important friend in your life. It took guts for him to accept and act on his feelings and do something about it. Hopefully he will have the same guts to accept that you said no thanks and carry on without any childish nc'ing or anything, otherwise what does that say about your friendship?

[dulcineanyc]

I'm concerned because I have to see him since we are in the same theatre company. I am also worried about how my other friends are going to react. I don't want to put anyone else in an awkward position

[bhzmafia]

God dam... why doesnt the girl I like tell me something like this =(

[Dating Coach]

God dam... why doesnt the girl I like tell me something like this =(

 

Because it is very uncomfortable for a girl to do this. No girl wants to do this and it makes them feel really bad. I've seen maybe 1 in 100 girls actually do it like this, but the one that does get's the best result. The rest get a guy who keeps on trying, even to the point where the friendship is no longer possible.

[Dating Coach]

While I agree you will have to be firm with him and not give him any hope to hang onto, dont crush him either if he was that much of an important friend in your life. It took guts for him to accept and act on his feelings and do something about it. Hopefully he will have the same guts to accept that you said no thanks and carry on without any childish nc'ing or anything, otherwise what does that say about your friendship?

 

 

Yes it did take guts, but you have to make sure he understands in no uncertain terms that there is no chance at all and that his only choice is to move on. If you do not, you don't appropriately address the situation and in the long run he ends up getting hurt worse anyway, because if he doesn't get turned back now then pushing further only makes him fall harder for you. Eventually you will have to deal with it again, only this time he feels even stronger.

I never suggested being hateful, but you must crush his hopes, make sure he gives up on pursuing you.

[Dating Coach]

I'm concerned because I have to see him since we are in the same theatre company. I am also worried about how my other friends are going to react. I don't want to put anyone else in an awkward position

 

 

Why should they be? Tell them all that you are not interested at all and that he needs to understand this so he can move on. Any logical level headed friend would understand and that's that.

[bhzmafia]

While I agree you will have to be firm with him and not give him any hope to hang onto, dont crush him either if he was that much of an important friend in your life. It took guts for him to accept and act on his feelings and do something about it. Hopefully he will have the same guts to accept that you said no thanks and carry on without any childish nc'ing or anything, otherwise what does that say about your friendship?

 

no...I would say crush him. Otherwise he will continue to continue being friends, always hoping for more, and that just plain sucks.

 

DiggityDogg: Is it worth asking the girl something like 'is there ever going to be any chance?' If she wont crush me, i need some way to do it myself =p

[Dating Coach]

DiggityDogg: Is it worth asking the girl something like 'is there ever going to be any chance?' If she wont crush me, i need some way to do it myself =p

 

 

You know... I am not so sure you'd get an honest answer even then. You could always try, but IMO it should never get to the point where you are begging her, and that sounds an awful lot like begging.

[grymoire]

He honestly told you about his feelings and you honestly told that you don't feel the same way. As a guy that has been in this situation I request you the following

 

1) When he says fine after you reject him and starts walking back please don't call him and try to explain things.

 

2) Please don't try to meet him the very next day.

 

3) If he says it's going to be painful to be your friend with all these feelings please understand and let him go. Do not say that it pains you a lot to see him go. Don't beg him to continue the friendship.

 

4) Please do not try to meet him so much like how you used to before the rejection. Don't run after him and beg him to meet you for lunch, coffee, walks, movies, games, or concerts.

 

5) Don't say sentences like "I miss you", "You are breaking my heart", "It feels like forever since we met".

 

6) If you ask to meet for lunch and if he politely says 'we will do it some other time' get the hint and leave him alone. Don't say 'let's meet for coffee if not for lunch' or some other ways to spend time with him.

 

7) Do not ask him to move to your city so that you can spend more time with him.

 

#8. When you do meet him please do not say something like "30 minutes is not enough. We should hang out more... I wish we spent more time. What are you doing this weekend? Shall we hang out?"

 

9) Don't become depressed if he goes on a vacation.

 

10) Drop the idea of trying to meet him alone 3 to 4 times every week.

 

11) When you hang out with him do not touch him a lot. Don't give him any friendly punches or kicks or whatever.

 

12) Don't be persistent about having lunch only with him. Try to meet your other friends or colleagues.

 

13) If he says he is moving to some other city don't say 'I don't want you to go... If you go to that city I will come to a nearby city'.

 

14) Don't frame one of his pictures and hang it in your apartment wall.

 

Bottom line -> Say that you are not interested in him and really mean it!!

 

Thanks

[Dating Coach]

grymoire is talking from experience as I remember his situation well.

[dulcineanyc]

Well what he is talking about won't be a problem. I'm okay not talking or seeing him for awhile...though he's already emailed me a few times.