My Girlfriend called me a BAD LOVER!

[Resilience]

Hi everyone..

 

I am feeling really low at the moment.. I have been with my current girlfriend for 15 months and last night she said I was a bad lover!.. I asked her how is it that im a bad lover but then she says "I was just kidding".. We have a healthy relationship and everything has been perfect but I cant help thinking is there something wrong.. Can anyone shed some light perhaps what she meant by that comment?

[randiandriien]

Ok...in my opinion...I think people say hurtful things and then cover them up with "just kidding" just so that they were able to make sure they let you know what they think and then wimp out and play it off!

 

That is definitely a blow to the self esteem, even with "just kidding" followed behind it. I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who felt I was bad in bed or who thought it was funny enough to even make a joke like that.

 

Did she give you a reason about why she said that?

[Sally00]

"Theres a little truth to every 'just kidding'".. LOL.

 

I don't know about the whole situation. If ya'll were cracking jokes like crazy and that was something that was just said playfully... or if ya'll were kidding around with how ya'll are in bed..... I don't know.

 

None of us can really tell you what she meant by that. We weren't there, didn't see how she said it, didn't know the whole situation around that, etc.

 

If it concerns you, talk to her about it.

[bhzmafia]

Ask her how you could improve. She obviously likes you if she is willing to help you improve rather than just dump you because of it.

 

Communication is good in this area (but it does suck...)

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

She might have just been joking with you, or being sarcastic.

 

But in the event that she actually felt this was true, then instead of asking us what makes you a bad lover, it seems that it would be exponentially more fruitful for you to ask her.

[itsallgrand]

That's the sort of comment that simply should never come out of a partner's mouth. But it did - and it might not mean anything, except she slipped or isn't very tactful.

 

Talk to her. Let her know you don't appreciate hearing comments like that, it hurt your feelings.

 

And please, don't take it to heart too much. Remember: it is no indication of whether you actually are a good lover or not!

[Carl5000]

Your love making is probably fine. eheh your just have to accept that alot of ppl are cruel and take great satisfaction out of hurting another persons feelings. You know how they pick the sorest spot and really enjoy rubbing the salt in.

[randiandriien]

I'm sorry but I just don't understand how someone could say that and just be joking about it or be sarcastic?

 

It's just her opinion. I think what she said was cruel and not funny at all!

 

There are somethings you just DONT joke about!!!

 

I mean if she were unsatisfied, why not be woman enough to admit it and talk about it?

[hardcharger]

you probably are a bad lover, go slower, last longer, touch her everywhere, she comes first...

[Carl5000]

she comes first? thats a knew one to me heh

 

Good way of perceiving it i suppose, give her more satisfaction-keep her satisfied she its more likely to stay with you longer. But, primarly its all about ur own satisfaction, u just deceive yourself to believe its about the girl's. Thats why some men are bad lovers, they don't care enough if the girl leaves them, maybe thats his problem. or he could care too much and shoot his load too early. Who knows? maybe he's just bad

 

Like do women actually enjoying giving head? if you just look at the act itself, bad taste in the mouth etc. they love it because of the power over the man's feelings, giving him satisfaction, control and perhaps holding onto him.

 

Its all power and selfishness you just never want to admit it to urself, as it isnt very nice. Aka why women write topics saying their boyfriends got a small * * * * and they might leave him- i cant get NO satisfaction!!!

 

I love the way ppl say he's a lover is selfish, arent we all jsut selfish to the core. Just some do unselfish acts, because it makes them happy and gives them a nice feelings or even gets them away from guilt, sin.

[eremy]

I'd have to disagree about us all being selfish. Yeah we all want to feel good, but selfish is more of a mind frame of trying to simply get your rocks off at the /expense/ of somebody else, not /with/ them. Regardless, I think ya'll need to lighten up and not take life so seriously! Honestly, who knows if she was joking or not? Why should it be such an insult? Truth hurts, I think it's worse to deny you may be a bad lover because you don't like how it sounds. Thankfully this is something you can always improve on. Don't get me wrong, if she was being honest and flaked out, I know there's definitely a better way she could have gone about it.

 

The best advice I could give you is...don't focus on the what she said so much. Ask her about it, without being accusatory. The most important part of a relationship is communication. If she meant it, and you approach her the right way, she'll admit it and talk to you. Find ways you can improve, try new things. Maybe she was just bored with the same routine and wants to spice things up a bit? who knows, women are strange creatures. But don't let it eat you up inside...it doesn't make you any less of a person, and it's not like you can't improve.

[Shadows Light]

Poor choice of words on her part. And I'll have to agree with.. that "just kidding" there's always a kernal or grain of truth.

 

Trot your butt over to your local book store and buy yourself a copy of "she comes first" maybe.. even pick her up the companion copy of "he comes next."

 

Educate yourself in the world of ERO's. Womens bodies are different from mens... we take a "whole" heck of a lot of stimulation to get there..on average about 20 minutes. (AVERAGE) and men on average 3 minutes. Hardly fair is it???? Now should I be condemned because thats the way my body operates? Nope. If you are gonna drive a PORCHE 911.........get the owners manual out and LEARN how to drive it properly. If you are gonna buy yourself a sports car.. why not get your money's worth and learn what makes that car tick.. and hug the corners.. and what makes it so special no????

 

Yes.. sexual relations are about give and take. And I'm a giver..but I'll be darned if I"m gonna give give give... and not get get get. Selfish??? YEP.. to the core. Giving??? yeah.. and I get a lot out of rocking your world too.

 

Blowjobs.... not everyone hates giving blowjobs. A person can learn to love to give them too... its personal preferance; i can get into a long diseration about the importance of hygeine and nutrition and attitude that makes a world of difference. But thats all spelled out on those said THREADS.

 

Your GF chose her words without thought. But then again.. how do you broach the subject and tell your lover that ... uuuu hhhmmmm you just arn't hitting the mark darlin.. without them going all defensive and hurt.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I agree with the 'she comes first' technique. It's not a new one to me, nor to the best partners I've had. They take care of me and I'm that much more 'active' when it comes to be their turn.

 

On the other hand, the guys who got themselves off first, are so tired and spent by the time they get theirs, they're already satisfied, so they no longer try. Rolling over and sleeping, or half-heartedly rubbing me while wishing he was asleep, is that supposed to give me an orgasm?

[nottoogreen]

Hi Resilience,

 

In the sexuality section of Wicked are lots of links related to pleasing females.

 

Read that and talk to her about what she likes and what you like. Focus on mutual satisfaction rather then excitement.

 

She won't get enough of you.

[itsallgrand]

Umm, am I the only one who thinks he shouldn't 'listen' to this sort of criticism, hence trying to please her more?

Isn't that sort of rewarding and reinforcing the behavior?

 

If she really is displeased with his lovemaking abilities, she needs to say it in a direct kind way. Yes?

 

those are my thoughts.

[nottoogreen]

Umm, am I the only one who thinks he shouldn't 'listen' to this sort of criticism, hence trying to please her more?

Isn't that sort of rewarding and reinforcing the behavior?

 

If she really is displeased with his lovemaking abilities, she needs to say it in a direct kind way. Yes?

 

those are my thoughts.

Fair enough. A bit idealistic though. Frustrated people are not too kind.

 

Perhaps people are too sensitive about criticism and that after being ignorant in the first place.

 

I may be too insensitive at times.

[itsallgrand]

Well, no, you have a valid point nottoogreen. And it certainly doesn't hurt to learn new ways to please a partner - it would be shooting oneself in the foot to not keep learning or close off to all criticism bc it is hard to take.

 

I just meant that what the gf said was harsh and unacceptable. Hell, it would hurt most people's feelings. It's not cool. It's not a way to tell someone you care about how they are lacking, and expect to see positive results!

 

If we really do teach people how to treat us, then changing because of a 'you are a bad lover' comment and taking it seriously would be reinforcing that sort of expression of criticism.

 

I guess I think they just need to hash it out and work on communication skills.

 

It's up to him. I wouldn't put up with that bs though - what kind of tone does that set when naked?!

 

ok. I'm done ranting.

[leyla_h]

Sometimes women can say these things because you are lacking or missing out something in a tiny area. Like, for example, if you're not kissing her enough during sex. Sometimes it can get blown out of proportion in women's minds.

 

Why don't you say to her that you've been dwelling on it and ask her what she meant so you can change if need be? I mean, there's no point carrying on if at the back of your mind you're worrying that you're a "bad lover."

[Shadows Light]

Umm, am I the only one who thinks he shouldn't 'listen' to this sort of criticism, hence trying to please her more?

Isn't that sort of rewarding and reinforcing the behavior?

 

If she really is displeased with his lovemaking abilities, she needs to say it in a direct kind way. Yes?

 

those are my thoughts.

 

Noted. And I'm glad he came to this forum with this issue. Hoping he will take the criticism in a positive constructive way and embrace educating himself on how to be an even better lover... instead of taking it as a blow to his ego.

 

I'm wondering if she this is the way she said it? or is it how he filtered it and his perception of what she said?

 

How would a lover.... tell her man that he's "just not hitting the mark." without making feel as if there is anything wrong with him.

 

I agree with the 'she comes first' technique. It's not a new one to me, nor to the best partners I've had. They take care of me and I'm that much more 'active' when it comes to be their turn.

 

On the other hand, the guys who got themselves off first, are so tired and spent by the time they get theirs, they're already satisfied, so they no longer try. Rolling over and sleeping, or half-heartedly rubbing me while wishing he was asleep, is that supposed to give me an orgasm?

 

Recently saw a documentary which explained that men will most often fall asleep right after due to their chemistry. Where as women will have a surge of energy after orgasming. So the "she comes 1st method" Works. I too feel more active if I go off first.

 

I've had lovers who've attempted this method and given up too soon to go for theirs. Since it is obvious when a man climaxes…. I'm wondering if it isn't just a matter of those that give up too soon w/ women that they do NOT know when their lady has climaxed?

 

I've never faked an orgasm and lied about it. But I've also NEVER told when I didn't

Orgasm. And when I don't…. and do so continuously it does lead to frustration and resentment.

[nottoogreen]

But I’ve also NEVER told when I didn’t Orgasm

Like most women - I never was told IIRC.

And when I don’t…. and do so continuously it does lead to frustration and resentment.

Absolutely, and the more experienced and mature the worse. Why get all heated up and left to die?

 

My mom was experienced having travelled europe as an opair in the 50s. She never had an orgasm with my dad who was more the chauvenist type and physically unfit/overwheight. She expressed her frustrations in ways not repeatable here. My mom's expressions made me extra sensible about this issue.

 

Men are really self defeating, by evolution (design) women happily dissipate all a man can give.

 

Patience and persistence, and no resilience to improvement, Resilience.

[Shadows Light]

Absolutely, and the more experienced and mature the worse. Why get all heated up and left to die?

 

My mom was experienced having travelled europe as an opair in the 50s. She never had an orgasm with my dad who was more the chauvenist type and physically unfit/overwheight. She expressed her frustrations in ways not repeatable here. My mom's expressions made me extra sensible about this issue.

 

 

Nottogreen.... I think you are absolutely right. If you've never experienced it... and don't know.. you can't possibly miss it. And the getting all hot and bothered and left to die... OHHHHH YEAH... can't say its analogous to "blue balls" that men experience but.. thats just about it. You wind up having to take deep breaths and... just have this overwhelming sense of... loss...

 

Your dad... lol.. I know the type oh to well. Maybe your father lacked education, or thought that its only through his "wee willie winkie" she should be get her jolly's from. You are very fortunate that your mother was able to somehow educate you to be a different man for your partner. And that you are "OPEN" to it.

 

I've always said.. if a man can make a woman HAPPY.. he will be repaid 1000 fold.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I've had basically the exact same experiences and views you've described here.

 

Also, the ones who bring me 'all the way there' first, every time, and before worrying about themselves, find themselves recieving a lot more, and a lot more exciting sex. And it's no mystery why!

[nottoogreen]

Nottogreen.... I think you are absolutely right. If you've never experienced it... and don't know.. you can't possibly miss it.

I beg to differ here, it is hard to see at times. Please think about it. You get there 99% all screaming and thrashing, but you do not get to 100% and you are left in terrible state, he does not know. How can he?

 

It's a complex subject. Lot's of women don't know what's a great orgasm and men know less about women.

 

There is need for more communication and education. For example most men and women do not know that a woman 1) may/(IMHO should) have bright sensations and black-out and 2) be very fatigued and 3) should ejaculate from the skenes glands (inside the vagina of course) on a great orgasm. No fatigue, no great orgasm. If she gets up to the bathroom right away, no great orgasm.

 

On a sidenote, there are still "uncertainties" about the significance of the g-spot which IMHO is essential for great orgasms. Are you aware that the (among others) hardcore lesbian movement denies the significance of the g-spot for political reasons arguing that penetration is unneeded?

 

Little clitoral orgasm don't satisfy a lot. But younger women - those who do not know better - are quite happy with little clitoral ones. But by age 30 many get grumpy and grumpier, also women which do not know how to orgasm at all or have no sex at all. Because its against nature.

 

To make it more complex, experienced women may have great orgasms with less stimulation, for example I experienced by going down on me and from or breast stimulation.

... analogous to "blue balls" that men experience ...

I never had blue balls. Perhaps this is because men can get off easier, more so when younger.

 

Which is another interesting point. When men have little sex, many get off way to quick. It's a vicious circle. By nature we should have sex almost daily, it's easier to last longer and to satisfy their woman.

Your dad... lol.. I know the type oh to well. Maybe your father lacked education, or thought that its only through his "wee willie winkie" she should be get her jolly's from.

He was a brilliant engineer designing one of the first pacemakers in the 50s and other medical equipment.

 

Primarily, he lacked attitude, looking "down" on women and not caring. I bet it never crossed his mind that she was dissatisfied. It showed in other areas of the relationship.

 

IMHO general education does not matter much because there is none beyond explaining hardware functionality.

You are very fortunate that your mother was able to somehow educate you to be a different man for your partner. And that you are "OPEN" to it.

I got hold af a little red book for teens which explained things (omitting the g-spot though) and I asked her about it and she confirmed that she never had an orgasm with dad. Her bf therafter was better at it. Good for her.

I've always said.. if a man can make a woman HAPPY.. he will be repaid 1000 fold.

This goes into Wicked.

 

I live in Asia for a long time, I see this here in extremes at times: Historicaly, men designed culture and society to not look after women in most regards. Somehow the problem returns more the more women know. The west is better, but not much. Depending on the study, the majority (> 50%) of women do not have any orgasms, and IMHO (as there is no study I am aware of) less then 10% of women have great orgasms. In some countries in Asia, divide the above "numbers" by 10...

 

P.S. I am learning great orgasms now after RayKay said men can have them too, going researching and learning to relax. I am 45 and still learning, but now about myself. By now you may gather that I know more about womens feelings than myself, but at last I am getting there.

[nottoogreen]

Sorry, missed that.

 

Recently saw a documentary which explained that men will most often fall asleep right after due to their chemistry.

Yes, me sleepier too when below 35, But now no.

Where as women will have a surge of energy after orgasming. So the “she comes 1st method” Works. I too feel more active if I go off first.

Then you have clitoral orgasm only, which are only 5%.

 

The documentary is not complete, omitting great (g-spot) orgasms.

 

Try to get g-spot orgasms. Best you on top. You will get a sensation like desiring to pee, do not stop it (you won't pee), until it hits you big time. But it may take longer and some trial. I taught another couple a while ago. Need to find the thread.

[nottoogreen]

Here I taught a couple how to have a great orgasm. Having trouble lasting long.

 

One point I forgot to mention. a woman which has a satisfactory orgasm will in the absense of stimulation dry up fast (in a whif). Selftest so if you still all juicy after half an hour, it was not enough.