Monday, Monday... how I hate thee...

[hpsowce]

Hi all, haven't posted for a while - I've been checking back on occasion but I just wanted to talk a bit about the recurring feelings of loss, rejection and loneliness that continue to come and go.

 

It's been a month and a half since the split, I've maintained no contact for just over a month and whilst it has helped I sometimes feel down about my inability to let go if all this pain and emotional baggage.

 

Right now I write from within one of these periods of negativity, by this afternoon I'll probably be in a whole different state. My feelings are not helped by the fact that we work in the same building and I walk past her in/out card everyday, and when she's in my heart is torn, part of it wishes for an accidental meeting and the other part wants anything but because it only sets me back. When I walk in and she's out the relief is palpable, I don't have to think about it, I can relax. Now I've thought of changing jobs but it's really not a possibility at this time, I've recently had a promotion, the moneys good and I enjoy my job.

 

Another thing is my loneliness drives me to want a relationship now, straightaway, I fear I'll never love or be loved in the same way again. I've read the posts and I know this is perfectly normal but that doesn't stop me from thinking this is very possibly true. I'll go out at the weekend and I feel almost desperate to meet someone - and I'm pretty sure desperation isn't the most attractive of qualities, and inevitably I'm dissappointed. A little self-analysis here but I go out desperate, I'm certain that I'll never meet someone and when I don't I look in the mirror and put myself down, wow, what a viscious, self-defeating circle that is.

 

I know I'm not ready for a relationship, and I'm a logical bloke (most of the time), I know that there's no future for me and my ex, even if at times I catch myself daydreaming about a loving reunion... So if I know this how do I convince my rebellious brain of it?

[stolenshadow]

Your brain needs time, for a while it thought a certain thing was right, and getting used to a new way of thinking doesn't happen overnight.

 

You know your mood keeps changing and one day you will only have objective thoughts, deep down you know your fears are just that, they are not based on facts.

So, don't pressure yourself to do anything, take your time and enjoy being alone, experience life how it is now.

 

And, when you check in or out at work don't let the thought of "it's my ex/she's not here" get to you, pretend she's just another person, do your own thing.

[Jweidner]

Can I say your post really hit home. My GF just broke up with me last night for good. We work in the same building as well. I feel alone and like I will never have someone to love me again.

[hpsowce]

Thanks for the replies, your right stolenshadow, it is just time I need to get my head straight.

 

Jweidner, I read your initial post and yes, your situation does have it's similarities. I just want to assure you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I went through hell the first couple of weeks, wandering round with that sad, hurt look on my face, wanting the ground to just swallow me up. But things got better. I'm convinced this relapse is a temporary thing and I know i'll come out of it again.

 

It does make things more difficult when you work in the same location, my ex was very good about NC - which in itself hurt for a while (how can she so easily lose contact with me?!) - she didn't try and contact me and it made my recovery much easier, but even seeing her name on the wall as I walk into the office is enough to get me thinking about things again. I've heard the 'picking at a scab' analogy before and it seems fitting in this instance, it also doesn't help that the guy she 'stayed late' with a couple of times before the split has his name right above hers... (she says there's nothing going on but when your beating yourself up about a situation it's scary how your mind can latch onto these things and use them against you).

 

Make sure you use these boards my friend, they are a constant source of relief when things get so hard you can't see a future, they make you realise there's always a future and if other people can get through it then so can you and so can I!

[onayrb]

hpsowce. that's a great description of your situation and I deeply sympathise. the same thing happened to me a few years ago. We worked in the same office, luckily she left the job a month after we broke. Even after she left I was reminded of her (a signature on a fire evacuation procedure, the fact that IT admin still had her name in the email system etc). There is no answer to the discomfort that seeing her in/out card brings - except it gets gradually less in time - rather annoyingly slowly. Remember, you described yourself in the first couple of weeks like the walking dead -you're better now! I think you should not try to run away from the feelings you are having, however painful. Don't be annoyed that you still have them, instead each time you have them think this: Each time I have this feeling (if I have it again), the next time it will be a little less intense and one day, in time it will not hurt at all. You've got to feel it though as if you hide it, it may jump out at you later with an intensity that it should not still deserve. Work through it, lean into and feel the pain -then you'll notice it gets less.