Play it by ear

[hoboken12]

Ok, my girlfriend and I had a really big fight last night. I am feeling like this could be the beginning of the end for us. Here is what happened.

 

This week there was an event put on by local businesses for all their employees. It is basically a big competition between teams from different companies. Each team competes in a silly version of track and field events. It is a yearly event with thousands of people participating. It is also for charity. Anyways, my girlfriend and I had talked about it earlier in the week because I was on a team with my company and she was on a team with her company. Part of the point of the whole thing is a big social event with alcohol served. It gives everyone a chance to act as a team with their coworkers and have a little fun. When we talked about it I think she was assuming that we would meet there and spend most of the time together. Which during the events is pretty much impossible because of different scheduled events. Anyways, I tried to make it clear to her in our conversation that I didn't really know how everything at the events would work out but that I would look for her there. I said specifically that we would play it by ear, by which I meant that with the nature of the event that it would be hard to promise that we would see eachother or be able to spend any considerable time together. We did talk about possibly getting together after the events. I agreed that we should try, but I told her that this was the first opportunity that I have had to socialize with some of the people at my new job and that there was a possibility that people would be going out for drinks afterwards and that I didn't want to be the guy to go out with his girlfriend and her friends instead of socializing with coworkers. I didn't want to come off like an ahole that is too good to socialize with new coworkers. So anyways, I thought that I was clear enough that while I would like to spend time with her that night that it was not necesarily possible. I tried to leave it open to the possibility that we would see eachother but not to count on it, and by all means that she should not sacrifice any social plans that might come up on her end for the possibility that we might have plans.

 

So at the event I didn't have my cell phone with me so I couldn't call her. I was socializing with coworkers which is the whole point of the event. I did look for her though, I would hve liked to see her there if only for a little bit. But among thousands of people, that just never happened, I never saw her. No big deal, or so I thought. I was doing what I said. After the event, some people from work went out for drinks, however I did not go, I would have liked to but it really was getting late. So a coworker gave me a ride home. The minute I get home I call her. We talk but she was clearly short with me, only giving one word answers. Clearly upset. So I ask what the problem was, I really didn't think that anything should be wrong. She says that she was really hurt because I didn't do what I said that I would do. That if I really wanted to spend time with her that I would have found a way. She expected a phone call right when I got to the event so we could meet up, or a phone call saying what my plans were, etc. By the way no one brought their significant others to this event. It is a team event focusing on work relationships.

 

I ended up getting pissed at her for being overcontrolling. I had told her the situation, I thought I was very honest about the fact that while we might have time to hang out that the more important focus for THIS night was participating in the events with my team, and getting a chance to socialize with them. We would play it by ear, meaning, if there is an opportunity to spend time together then I would call her, but that she should not sit and wait by the phone for a call. She should go out and socialize with her coworkers.

 

I guess what is pissing me off is that we have spent pretty much every second together for a couple months. This week things have been very busy and we haven't really seen much of eachother for a few days. The night before this event, she was actually pissed at me because I couldn't go to a concert with her because I have a night class that my company is paying for me to go to. She will not admit that she was pissed about that but I could tell. She said on the phone "I have no right to be mad that you have class tonight..." meaning she knew she shouldn't be mad at me, but she was anyways.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I have been very honest with her. So much of the event is unpredictable that how can she expect concrete plans!?! Especially when I said what my priorities for the night were! The thing is, the way she is acting is making me want to spend less time with her.

 

Am I making too much out of this? Do you think that she has a right to be angry with me?

[RayKay]

You know, I really do agree with you here. I think you told her exactly what your intentions were at the event, that you would meet her if you COULD, but that you were going to spend it with your coworkers.

 

And I agree that was the CORRECT thing to do, as it was a company event, not a "dating event".

 

You can't always spend time together when it's not appropriate. An example is my boyfriend and I both race mountain bikes. We go to these events, but cannot hang around the entire time. Not only do we have our own races, we also have our own other friends/teammates there. And our own races. None of us resents the other for that! We also have our own time apart - for work, for friends, for our own interests. It's not a bad thing, we miss each other, and we have more to share about ourselves too. We are still strong individuals, and that allows you to be stronger TOGETHER too.

 

Spending time with her there would of let down your "team", when you did not show up to events, or were not bonding with them as is the purpose of the event.

 

You can't be joined at the hip, and should not. It sounds like her expectations of a relationship are that you are together ALL the time. I would suggest you need to sit down and talk about these expectations now. It's not healthy to be together all the time, and you only have to read around to find that out. I think right now she is being a bit passive aggressive about it, so you are going to have to approach it carefully, and make it clear you care about her, but that you also have other things in your life you enjoy and need to do.

 

And don't spend every second of free time together in the future. Make an effort to go out with other friends, do your own separate interests regularly. It IS healthy and beneficial. If she is NOT into this, maybe it's time to evaluate whether you are going to be able to give your life up to be with her 24/7...and not grow resentful, dependent and lose your identity. In my experience people whom are clingy, only get clingier even if you DO "give it all up" for them (which you shouldn't, in case I have not said that enough).

[confused25]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! She should've been more understanding. Like RayKay said, you guys don't need to spend every second together, this event is really about getting closer with your co-workers, so she should respect that. If you were my bf I'd encourage you to go out and hang out with your co-workers. Your whole life doesn't just revolve around her, you also need to establish relationships with other people.