Frustrated

[Gracelove]

Okay, I'm really upset!

Parents are sweet and wonderful people, but sometimes they just don't get it.

 

I'm dealing with major depression right now. I've had a lot going on in my life lately! I'm trying to deal with it all and it's just one thing after another.

 

It's not that I'm lazy. I'm just not a functioning person right now.

I've been a functioning person before. I've had many challenges in my life.

I know what it's like to have a stressful day.

 

This is one of the hardest things I've had to do....dealing with all this crap.

 

I'm taking baby steps, ya know. I'm trying my hardest.

 

Things are just starting to look up and it's like people just want to push me.

 

I'm trying to tell them that I'm taking baby steps, I'm trying hard, and yet they still want to push me, I feel like I'm being pushed right off of a cliff.

 

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I was actually happy.

 

Then what....I have nightmares, a horrible night sleep.

 

And today people expect me to jump over rainbows.

 

I can only do sooooooo much. Doesn't anyone get that?

All I can do is try.

 

I've gone from being any extremely tolerant person to getting stressed out really easily.

 

And when I get stressed out I don't jump up and down, rant or rave. I sit there and feel like I've losing my mind.

 

People don't get that. I'm looking out for myself ya know.

 

Since the rape I don't like being out in public a lot, it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, but I'm working on it.

 

Depression...I'm working on it.

 

Going to a school I dislike, in a town I can't stand....I'm working on it.

 

Setting up boundaries for my controlling mother...I'm working on it.

 

Eating healthy foods....I'm working on it.

 

Getting a decent night sleep...I'm really working on it.

 

Accomodating everyone so they feel comfortable around me and "pleased with my progress"......WORKING ON IT!

 

But I'm only human, k. Can't it be enough that I'm a nice human being? That I treat others with respect and try my hardest to overcome my adversities?!

 

No, nope, it's not enough.

 

Why is it necessary for me to please other people all of the time?! Is that my job?

 

Can't I be human? Can't I have a hard time? Can I make my own decisions, or be left alone?

 

Noooope, but everyone expects Grace to be super woman. God forbid she has a life crisis.

 

Why? Because she's supposed to be strong all of the time, she isn't suppose to feel anger, she isn't supposed to ever feel fear, she is suppose to be all good things and feel no bad things.

 

Well....that's not life. That's not my life, not right now.

 

And I'd like to be able to cry.

 

I'd like to be able to be sad and for it to be okay.

 

I'd like to spend one second of everyday feeling secure and at peace, or just simply feel that it's okay for me to be human.

 

That's it.

 

I just want to be human to someone, to other people.

 

But everyone has all of these expectations, and I'm on no one's time schedule.

 

They have plans for my life, and I'm behind. I'm late, excuse me.

 

I'm not perfect, excuse me!

 

And they wonder why I want space.

 

This is my life, and I'm trying soooooo hard to make it work.

And none of my efforts are appreciated. All I get are more demands. It's like, why am I even here.

 

Why try?

 

Because everyone's counting on you? But what about you? Do you count on you?

 

I should be able to count on myself.

 

I should be able to take care of myself......because if I don't....there is nothing left to matter.

 

If I don't take care of myself, there will be nothing left anyways.

 

I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am.

 

And I don't want to have to accept abuse or criticism from others to get that.

 

 

[cacain119]

maybe you should print this off, and show it to those closest to you. maybe, given all the information, they can work with you on it.

[Tigris]

Have you tried putting Lavender Essential Oil 1% on your pillow to help you sleep? Maybe that will help the nightmares to stop?

 

I discovered that putting a capful of it in a mug of hot water relaxed me and I had a sound sleep and when I awoke my migraine had gone.

 

I hope it can help you too.

[Gracelove]

Thanks Tigris!!! No one has ever suggested that before. I'll give it a try.

 

Thanks to you as well Cacain119. I was really stressed last night and just needed to vent. I understand that it's kind of hard to give advice when the details are missing. I know my post might seem vague, but thanks for your advice as well.

 

I hope you guys have a wonderful day!!!

 

~Grace