Big fights over small things

[charma]

I just got out of a 15-month long distance relationship (long distance for the last 10 months). Throughout its duration, we would get into heated arguments about once a month. These arguments were usually about small things...often over small miscommunications. Is there a logical explanation for why two people get into arguments like this?

[Skippy]

LDR are hard and frustrations are built up. You may think that you can put these small things aside butthey build up.

Talk everyday, be open about each others feelings and dont give mix signals.

[HardShowingAffection]

You hit it right on the head. It is a big miscommunication issue. My ex and I were the same way. We were together for 3 years and 2 months. The littlest, stupidest issue would evolve into a huge argument.

 

We failed to communicate effectively. She was trying in our relationship and not getting the results she wanted. She got frustrated and angry. I was trying to change and work on the relationship and not seeing the results I wanted, I was getting frustrated and angry. This built and built.

 

Even though there is no single person I would rather see or be with every day, it built an unspoken tension between us both. We are both positive people, and people love being around both of us... so why was there tension between us? Why did we fight and argue about stupid things? We weren't communicating effectively!

 

You need to make your needs known to your partner. She needs to make hers known to you. You have to lay it out there for them to hear. Don't expect them to read your mind. You most likely are working towards the same things, just not conveying them in a manner that you both understand! You both might even want the same thing out of an argument, you just aren't listening to one another.

 

Suck up your pride. Lay your feelings out there. Don't insist on being right. Would you rather be right, or happy? I would rather be happy, but too often I fought to be right, and that got me nowhere, except in a tense relationship. Learn how to communicate! Read some books on communication, it is one of the essential cores to a successful happy relationship!

 

I can recommend three books here:

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks

"Relationship Rescue" by Philip McGraw

"Communication Miracles for Couples : Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict" by Jonathan Robinson

 

Too often, you know there are problems, but you are not equipped with the right tools to fix them properly. These books lay out some of the tools that you can use to build a successful relationship, and they have changed me so much!

[Momene]

It's a difficult one. You can't JUST communicate, you both have to be in a receptive mood, free from distractions about work, jobs round the house ...

 

Small wonder so many of us have problems communicating!

[charma]

We used to argue about small stuff even before the long distance part started. I figured that it was just because we were trying to get to know the most we could about each other before I moved away. Since the long distance started, some (not all) of the arguments started happening because of miscommunications. She's really not to open with her feelings, but I speak my mind. Most of the time, we were able to identify the reason for the disagreement as a misunderstand, but the very fact that we were having an argument weighed heavily on her. In the end, she was tired of the pattern....everything being great for a few weeks, then have an argument and not talk for a couple days, then resolve the issue, then everything great for a few more week, then another argument. It happened about once a month. And I was tired of always initializing the make up.

[HardShowingAffection]

Sounds like you are working on it. But it also seems like there are more underlying issues here. Although you are making up and things are moving on, it doesn't appear that the real issues have been resolved.

 

Focus on the positives in the relationship. Give her compliments. Suck it up for a while and give a constant positive vibe, even if that is not how you are feeling right then. If you are constantly positive and happy and cheery, it will rub off on her, and reflect in her.

 

If you focus on the good, you will start an upward spiral and grow together. focusing on the bad causes the downward spiral and conflicts in the relationship. Build each other up, and then maybe take some of the issues on slowly, but not until you are both happy, confident and have a love bank that is full.