Help! My friend is in a bad relationship!

[tynabluez09]

Okay, this is defineltly something that has been bugging me for a bit. Theres this guy who is a good friend of mine. And, im staring to like him...

but he has a girlfriend. This isnt one of the "should I tell him how I feel" type of problem.The thing is, he's relationship is BAD! First of, hes 22 shes 32. Now, I have dated older guys before, but this situation is morally wrong and gross!I say that only because she started dating him when he was 17 and she was 27. That just strikes me as not good because, its not healthy...why is a grown woman start a relationship with such a younger man... especially when it was ILLEGAL at the time. Well, they've been together now for 4-5 yrs and shes getting to the point were she wants to settle down and get married. He said, he loves her and plans on marrying her... just in a few years. Well, thats not good enough for her, and their

getting married next summer... this shocked me when he told me this a few weeks ago... but as were getting to be closer friends, hes coming to me for advice and I'm not sure how to help. I've never been in a relationship longer then 6 mths and I've never been in love or sexually active with people I've dated. So, this makes me feel unfit to comment. Her behavior is atrocious, she acts like shes 13 yrs old. She overprotective... for instance, recently he asks a friend of ours to borrow her phone to call her to say goodnite cuz his cell died. Since he kept the call short and told her he had to give my female friend her phone back, she said, fine, give that (female dog) back her phone and hung up! She never met her before and had no reason to use such crude language. She makes him check in with her before he does anything... hes missed two birthday parties because she didnt want him to go in a month and couldnt even walk with me to quiznos because she was coming to pick him up and she would be mad cuz she doesnt like things sprung on her... I am working with him over the summer at my college, we live on the same floor and everything... I never see him... Hes always at her place and she wont let him stay here unless he has overnight duty. The only reason why I do see him is cuz we've been switching work shifts.

 

Then, a few days ago he says, " If your boyfriend was mean to you for no reason, just angry cuz they had a bad day, what would you do?" I told him its unexceptable to let anyone who loves you treats you badly. He said, i know what you mean, but she always apologizes... I asked if he believed her and he said yeah. But, it seems like at this point, 4-5 yrs into the relationship, petty stuff like this should be gone... besides she 32 yrs old... Supposedly, all this is because shes really big and has self esteem problems. Thats no excuse though! She's trying to make it so he only has her and no friends. He told me all his old friends he never sees or talks to and it seems like shes now, trying to get rid of his summer co-worker buddies, which includes me. Hes such a great guy, hes done so much for her and he loves her soooooooooooo much... but lately, threw us, hes learning shes not being the best she can be and he sounds so depressed... I dont know what to do. How can I help?

[sharkgirl]

This is a difficult situation because honestly, when people are in love or what they perceive to be in love, it is hard to talk sense into them. As far as the age difference, I really think you shouldn't bring up anything about that when talking to him as that really doesn't have anything to do with the situation, that is your own opinion and not shared by your friend or a lot of other people. Also, Talking bad about her won't work either as he may turn defensive and the plan could backfire. Afterall, he has chosen to be with her and obviously cares about her. However, things do seem to be heading into unhealthy terrirory. As someone who has battled with self esteem most of her life, I can tell you, it makes you do stupid and irrational things. But knowing now what I didn't know a few years ago, I can say that I am a big believer in being ok with yourself before you can be ok in a relationships. Because whether we want to or not, when we start getting close to someone, our baggage comes with us. So with that in mind, it soulds to me that she is feeling her age, the whole biological clock thing and she is feeling not so attactive so the cure was to find a guy to fix this, a guy willing to tell her she is great, willing to marry her and young enough to not have the experience to tell himself that this stuff is not normal in a relationship. This is a tough one...

I think the only thing you can really do is ask him if he wouldn't feel comfortable putting off the wedding while things settle down between him and his girlfriend. They need to assess their situation and things need to be worked out. Getting married isn't as permanent as it once was, but it's a big step for a relationship that needs more time. I wouldn't press much more than this as he may resent you for it. Be careful and make sure he knows how much you care about his happiness and don't want to see him hurt.

 

Good luck. This must really be hard for you, I hope it works out.

[charmed]

Hi Tynabluez!

 

I understand that you really want to help your friend in teh situation he is in with his partner.

 

I see you describe a very insecure 32 year old here - someone who uses emotional blackmail and other tricks against your friend to keep him in line. Your friend has spoken up and is questioning whether the things that he is clearly not happy about are normal, and if he should be questioning them. He should. This woman should not be pressuring him into a marraige aswell !!! She seems to be a very very selfish person - and I'm sure that when he and she are together, things go well, but when they are apart, and the way she treats him then is as important. She does not treat him well when they are apart - and if he is not happy about this, he needs to address the issue.

 

As for you - well, what do you mean by "you lare starting to like him"? Do you mean - Like hime like him?!!!

 

Be careful - their relationship has obviously lasted a few years. Show your support for him. While you claim not to be experienced enough to help, thats not true. You know what is right and wrong, and what being nice, and not being nice is. That qualify's you to at least offer your opinion to your friend, and don't feel you can't or shouldn't!!!

 

Your friend sounds like hes trying to work things out here. I would say whatever happens, don't let him marry this woman until you are sure that he has thought the negative aspects of this relationship through - properly !! Don't let him off the hook there - you may never regret that !!

 

Hope this helps

 

~charmed~

[Turboz]

Hi

 

The first thing that concerns me is the very fact you can admit you like him. That in my opinion makes you biased against her from the start so you may find little details about his older woman more annoying than normal.

 

I would also like to point out that older woman and younger men is not a disgusting situation. If 2 people like eachother then nothing should stand in their way. A lot of younger men are attracted to the maturity of an older woman. I am one of those men. I don't just look for older women but if I notice one I like and she's older then I don't worry about it.

 

Now your friend is with a woman he claims to love. Ok she's older but lets just put that out of the picture temporarily shall we? - We can come back to that in a few minutes.

 

These 2 people have found themselves attracted to eachother adn have got their act together and made it through 4 - 5 years (many young couples don't make it through the months yet alone years). Now she may be more strongly willed and taking charge of the situation but there may be a reason for that. Maybe she is just a strong willed person.

 

Now the marriage thing is something that a lot of women look for - not straightaway, but after a couple of years women like to know that they're going somewhere with their man and not just a convenience right? - Would you wanna be with a man for 2 years and then find he just leaves or would you rather have him commit to you so you know he's yours? - It's really not that hard to understand really.

 

Now we'll refer back to the age thing. She's what over 10 years older than he is. This means that she is going to get insecure about him running off with a younger woman and she is naturally going to be overprotective about him. This would also explain the very strong desire to get him married as soon as possible. As for calling the other woman a dog this in my opinion is simply jealousy that he has female friends that are younger than herself and in her eyes are direct competition.

 

She probably see's you in the very same light - competition. This would explain why she doesn't like him hanging around you.

 

Now with regards to you not being qualified to help him, you are his friend and thats good enough. You can give him honest feedback of what you think of the situation. Be careful that you are not biased though as this could really do damage. Simply point out the differences between right and wrong as you have been doing and be there to talk to him when he needs it.

 

As far as you liking him goes I wouldn't give it another thought at the moment if he is going to be marrying her soon. Unless they split don't mention it. If he felt nothing for her he would not still be there now would he?. The fact that after 4 years they are still together shows there is a strong bind there and that age gap relationships can be successful.

 

I hope this helps.

[charmed]

Hi Guys,

 

I have to say I disagree with Turboz about the woman here. If age doesn't make a difference, then why is she being overprotective about the age of her boyfriend and his younger friends. I have a friend who is 38 and he is with a 20 year old for 3 years - it has it's complications, but by and large it does work.

 

The woman in this story sounds like she is very very low in self esteem and self confidence. She does not love herself and that seems clear. If she does not love herself, it is not possible for her to love her partner. She may indeed be attracted to him, and they may get on together but I know that I could never marry someone who was that insecure about themselves - especially if it was effecting my life in the way that it is effecting this guys life here. Phone calls like that (and I did get them myself before so I know what they are like) are emotional blackmail - and that is not acceptable.

 

In saying that, this guy will have to make his own decisions, but you can point this out to him - and that is only fair. The fact that he is asking questions suggests to me that he is open to hearing some constructive criticism about the relationship so I wouldn't be to worried about driving him away.

 

Regarding your crush on him - yes - be very careful and say nothing about that until his current relationship ends (thats if it does end remember). He may only see you as having a vested interest in splitting them up, and my think you are not looking out for him - even though you are.

 

Hope this helps

 

~Charmed~

[tynabluez09]

Thank you to everyone that replied, I appreciate it.

 

I just want to clarify some things...

 

I dont plan on telling him I like him... I am well aware that my feelings arent relevant and dont need to be mentioned. I metioned it, because I wanted to emphasize my eagerness to help him. I have had crushes on plenty of my best guy friends in my teen years, I know how to keep my mouth shut I just cant bare to see him get hurt, over and over and over again.

 

I also dont have a problem with age difference in relationships. Its just 17 and 27 isnt that great and its illegal. My first boyfriend was 23 when i was 18, so I understand. Its just, this seems like too big of a gap thats all.