ex is back--it doesn't feel real

[doorisclosed]

After one year of silence and refusal to contact me, my ex has called 3 times within 3 weeks and has even asked whether I'm seeing someone. Before these phone calls, he had posted a bunch of messages on his myspace profile such as, "want to meet you again".

 

This was a person who said that they'd "never get back together with someone that they'd ended a relationship with".

 

And, strangely enough, this happened right after I moved to a big city and my life became ten times more exciting.

[RandomAdvisor]

And, strangely enough, this happened right after I moved to a big city and my life became ten times more exciting.

 

 

Nothing strange about it. More like cause and effect I think. This often happens where an ex will suddenly become interested when the former partner (you) becomes more appealing somehow.

[joyce1412]

wow. never say never, right?

 

how do you feel? do you think you'll give him another chance?

 

as much as some of us want our exes back, i wonder if it's really that easy. seems hard to allow yourself to get that close with a person when he/she has hurt you more than anyone else.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, just consider he might be having problems with other relationships and wants you to validate him again.

It doesn't sound like he was good to you in the past, and you're clearly not over him if you kept checking his MySpace after a year of the break up, so, it's risky.

If you want to give it a chance and contact him just remember, run and don't look back as soon as you see the first red flag.

[Tropigal30]

Has he said anything to indicate he wants you back ? And are you interested in being "just friends" if that's all he is after ?

 

Commonly everyone goes through a period of regression at some stage whether they were the dumper or the dumpee, and usually reach out for comfort from someone they think will give them an ego boost and make them feel loved.

 

If you're not strong enough to cope with any of the above scenarios, and are hoping for a reconcilliation, cut to the point with him and ask him direct why he's contacting you again. Then you know where you stand and can decide if it's a relationship that fits in with your current life.

 

And keep focused on that great new life ! and make him fight to fit in it

[doorisclosed]

Has he said anything to indicate he wants you back ? And are you interested in being "just friends" if that's all he is after ?

 

Commonly everyone goes through a period of regression at some stage whether they were the dumper or the dumpee, and usually reach out for comfort from someone they think will give them an ego boost and make them feel loved.

 

If you're not strong enough to cope with any of the above scenarios, and are hoping for a reconcilliation, cut to the point with him and ask him direct why he's contacting you again. Then you know where you stand and can decide if it's a relationship that fits in with your current life.

 

And keep focused on that great new life ! and make him fight to fit in it

 

I don't really know what I want right now. I only want him back if he's worked on the issues that caused him to break up with me in the first place. I don't mind if he wants to be "just friends" (which I'm sure he doesn't) because I feel incredibly strong and dignified right now. Any weakness on his part (e.g. possible game playing, passivity) is his problem--not mine.

 

I do not expect anything of him. I only expect certain things from myself. He may or may not ever cut to the chase and ask to get back together. All I need to worry about is continuing to speak and act with integrity each time he communicates with me because this is the way that I would like to act--for myself.

 

What is most important is that I continue to lead my life and deal with the situation in a way that I think is just for both parties involved.

 

Oh, and I will make him fight for it. I deserve a lot more than being dumped abruptly and being treated unkindly after the relationship, and I will let him know this sentiment if/when he brings up the relationship, and furthermore, I will let him know in an unequivocal, yet tactful manner.

 

Thank you so much for your comment =).

[doorisclosed]

Nothing strange about it. More like cause and effect I think. This often happens where an ex will suddenly become interested when the former partner (you) becomes more appealing somehow.

What's strange is that he had no idea that I was moving or how my life was going at the time.

[doorisclosed]

wow. never say never, right?

 

how do you feel? do you think you'll give him another chance?

 

as much as some of us want our exes back, i wonder if it's really that easy. seems hard to allow yourself to get that close with a person when he/she has hurt you more than anyone else.

 

No, you're right. It's not easy at all. It's actually kind of disconcerting and scary to get what you've wanted for so long. You've had this reconciliation fantasy playing in your head for several months, yet you're not sure if reality will follow suite because you don't have know if the person will do everything they need to do to regain your faith in both them and in the new relationship being successful. It dawns on you that there's a still a real gamble there. There's also a certain skepticism that permeates every interaction with the dumper as opposed to the time pre-breakup, when the dumpee's heart was fully open and they were giving their partner the benefit of the doubt. I feel as though the person who strayed must make fivefold the efforts to regain the trust of their former partner. He needs to show me his utmost sincerity and willingness to make the efforts to rekindle this relationship. If he does this (and only I can be the judge of that when the time comes), then I will be open to the idea of a reconciliation.

 

He owes me this much because I have already paid my dues with months of sadness and confusion. Moreover, I was the one who remained loyal and wanted to work things out.

[doorisclosed]

Hello, just consider he might be having problems with other relationships and wants you to validate him again.

It doesn't sound like he was good to you in the past, and you're clearly not over him if you kept checking his MySpace after a year of the break up, so, it's risky.

If you want to give it a chance and contact him just remember, run and don't look back as soon as you see the first red flag.

 

I don't contact him at all. He is the one doing all the contacting.

 

The man has been single since he dumped me and is still single.

 

Oh I will definitely run after the first red flag. After all, you can't change a person, and I can't wait 5 years for him to change for good if his behavior continues to vascillate...

 

I would like to think that he's changed, but I know that people don't change so quickly. Speaking for myself, however, I have definitely changed since the breakup in the sense that I have learned to be accountable for my own emotions and outlook on life. I've also learned that in order to become the person that I want to be (independent, strong, kind, able to let go when the situation calls for it, etc.), I need to be brave so that I can do the right thing in the face of adverse circumstances, e.g. by taking the higher road even if someone else isn't. The intense despair that I felt post-breakup really forced me to be constructive by honing my coping strategies for not only relationship difficulties, but life ones as well. I can only hope that he's improved himself in a similar way as well...

[joyce1412]

hi again.

 

i'm really impressed with your responses to things. it really sounds like you've thought out every angle, which i guess you have spent the last year doing.

 

you're a smart, introspective girl. i think you're going to make a good, informed decision. and provided that you stick to the conditions that you outlined would have to take place for you to get back together with him, you'll be just fine. i've told myself many of the same things, but i can get so emotional about people i wonder if i would really stick to my guns the way i think i will.

 

has he contacted you since? i'd be really interested to know. keep us posted!

[BONO]

 

Oh, and I will make him fight for it. I deserve a lot more than being dumped abruptly and being treated unkindly after the relationship, and I will let him know this sentiment if/when he brings up the relationship, and furthermore, I will let him know in an unequivocal, yet tactful manner.

 

.

 

 

Seems you are very smart and looking at this in the right way. Well done !

 

 

Scruff