Sorry it's long, but please help!

[Karibo]

Please don't make judgements about us. I simply want to know how I can get over him and stop thinking about him so much. Thanks

[DN]

You love him - plain and simple.

 

So maybe you need to get past all the crap that happened in the past, stop worrying about what your friends may think and get together and decide how to manage a healthy, intimate relationship that makes you both happy.

 

It may not be possible and I haven't read your previous posts on this - but perhaps it's worth one more shot if you still feel so connected to him and so unhappy that you are not with him.

 

Sometimes you just have to try harder.

[arwen]

Hey Karibo,

 

This is a very very passionate, intense and dangerous relationship. I think there is little advice that I can give, I just wanted you to know that I read your post, and I am impressed by the way you explained this crazy-seeming relationship such that it actually made sense.

 

And the latter is important, this relationship DID make sense to you, probably because it fitted well into the definition you have about yourself. It is like a reciprocal-destructive relationship, where both of you tried to hurt each other because both of you may have needed to feel this kind of pain. (what the therapists call intimacy avoiders, it can also be seen as a way to set yourself up for failure in relationships).

 

I don't know what to tell you, except that I think that if you spent 1.5 years thinking about this, it doesn't make you crazy. It has taken me an equivalent amount of time to get over a very passionate relationship with a commitment phobic man. I still think of him, but the obsession is gone. If you feel like this is really occupying too much space in your thoughts, you might consider therapy. I think the panic reactions might be an indicator that you need help with that, there is no reason to be ashamed of this.

 

Ilse

[Momene]

I normally recommend physical distance in these cases. It took me 2 years to get over my ex-wife, at least 18 months longer than it should. I'm not saying your feelings aren't real but your techniques for getting over him clearly aren't working. Even if you do get back together, the chances of it working are slim.