Help!!!

[kamurj]

After being friends for two years, I finally started dating a very intelligent and beautiful girl. It's been about four months now and I am having real trouble getting over some of the events that coloured the beginning of our relationship. Let it first be said that my girlfriend had a very traumatic upbringing and is still suffering from the trauma caused by her mothers' neglect and mistreatment. To this end, she is a very insecure individual and I find myself defending myself for everyday activities that would seem common in any other relationship. My question is actually in regards to myself however, as we were beginning our courtship, things were happening fast and we began sleeping together right away. Knowing we had a foundation of friendship set up, I thought this was a way to take things further but my girlfriend decided that I wasn't serious enough and decided to sleep with someone else while we were trying to make something happen between us. In any case, I stuck it out and now I find myself in constant pain and unable to shake the feelings of sadness and anger created by that first 'infidelity'. If you could help me with a little advice on how to let go and learn to forgive, I would be most appreciative.

 

Thank you,

 

Defeated in Los Angeles

[andromeda]

Dear Defeated:

 

You are only Defeated if you remain in a relationship with this girl. I went out and am now living with (and have just broken up with) a girl who lived under a cold father and an oppressive mother. I excused myself, as you did, for a lot of normal behavior, so much so that I made myself a patsy for all the things that went wrong. Yes, there was love, but there was also pity I felt for her, and I wanted to take care of her. She needed to solve her own problems, and a relationship with me didn't cure things. And yes, she cheated.

 

Can you remain friends? Yes, but not at the same level or amount of contact. It'll be too hard for you, and your emotions will get the best of you. And, regrettably, I hate to tell you this, but SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN, even if it's not in her nature, no matter how much she promises not to. It's not working NOW on a relationship with you. That's not to say it won't work later, but you need to become a casual friend, and not supply her with what she needs right now--she needs to discover what she needs for herself. The fact that her issues are still unresolved after so many years, with or w/o therapy, is a warning sign for instability.

 

You sound like you're relatively sound, so I'll give you some advice in shorthand:

 

1) SEPARATE FROM THIS GIRL. You can't continue to support her right now, because you're enabling her to continue behaving like she did before if you hang around...

2) GET YOURSELF A SUPPORT SYSTEM. Do you have other friends you can trust that you both don't share? You need to be with them right now, or...

3) DO WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU. Do you like movies, writing, or art? Tackle these with the same attention you had before meeting this girl... this will take up your time, and you'll think less about her and more on what's good for you... SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! I'm sorry, that's a hard thing to say, but it's true... unless you go on with your life to a point where you don't NEED anyone.

Then you can see if she's changed, and, to your surprise, you can see if you still WANT her. You may meet someone else, or you may not, but it'll take time to find out, but... she has to change. And you have to take the first few dates slowwww, and you have to see that she's changed, or you shouldn't go through with it. If you think it hurts now, if it happens again, it'll feel ten times worse.

 

I'm there with you, I really am. Try to recognize the emotions for what they are--it'll take a while, but they'll pass, you'll have good days and bad days--but don't be alone!!! Keep yourself occupied and get therapy if you find it too hard to cope with. It'll get better. Let me know how you're doing in a few months...

 

 

[ This Message was edited by: andromeda on 2002-02-27 12 ]

[kamurj]

If you love her, do not abandon her. Explain what you feel without blaming her and ask her to go with you to couple therapy. Be firm but loving. You need to work on this, it is important for you and so you need it to be important for her too.

[zoe22]

even if the wounds heal, there will always be scars.