Did I have a dysfunctional childhood?

[jensxcom]

Can someone let me know if this was dysfunctional?

[hazlcha]

Did I have a dysfunctional childhood?

 

I'm not sure why you ask this question. Obviously the situation you describe is not "statistically" normal, in that most people don't have a father with the physical and emotional disabilities yours has. As for visiting grandparents in a nursing home, I'd not only say that's pretty common, it's also pretty darn good. Being around elderly people is a great opportunity to do kindness, to visit, encourage. Being there for your grandmother is very worthwhile.

 

It becomes a problem when you don't interact with people your own generation. There's got to be a balance. I spent two summers working in a camp for kids and adults with developmental deficiencies, downs syndrome, retardation and whatever. They were the greatest two summers of my summer camp life, even though I worked very hard and was spending lots of time with people who you couldn't really converse with. I just learned so much about life, and the beauty of helping out people who need your help completely filled me.

 

Again, if you're asking if it's dysfunctional because you feel that something may be "wrong" with you, then talk to a counselor. Don't let your family problems limit you with a self-fulfilling prophecy of dysfunctionality. Don't look for titles and diseases to keep you from growing as a successful "functional" - and that's never enough, to just be "functional" - person.

 

You are certainly influenced by your experiences, as are we all. But ultimately we're the boss. It may take more work for some than others, but it' so worth it. I say that you are a good person for all the caring you already do. Use your situation to keep growing, and focus on who you want to be, not on what could be wrong with you.

 

Make sense?

[darkblue]

No one's childhood is 'perfect'. There are always problems - that's what life is all about.

 

Do these things bother you?

[jensxcom]

Thanks hazl, The nursing home experience actually wasnt good because my grandmother was severley depressed when i saw her, she was also beaten, and was being verbally abused there.

Watching my father in bed wondering if hes dying for about 7 years everyday I think has made me obsessed with death. I also didnt have much friends because i was too ashamed for kids to meet my father. I used to lie and say he wasnt my father.

I just realize how much of a miserable kid I was and how i am very obsessed with death now.

I think i may inherited some of my fathers weirdness. which bothers me now

[hazlcha]

Thanks for clarifying. That sounds terrible about your grandmother. It just confirms my feelings about many nursing homes. They are not an option, unless someone is in the most dire medical need. I've heard and seen too many stories...

 

I wasn't clear on the time frame - is this way in the past or more recent? Are any of the people you write about gone, or are they still with us?

 

It's clear that you were exposed to things that normally kids are shielded from until they are older. But the great thing about maturing is that we can get past almost any childhood issue. Sometimes it takes more work, sometimes less. It always takes some time, and most importantly, desire to change. When you say all this bothers you, it shows you've got that desire. Now the only thing to decide is how.

 

I think it's very healthy that you are exploring the lessons you might have learned at that time. Now you'll be able to unlearn the unhealthy ones and start filling in what you missed at that age. Remember, though, that you did have bright moments in childhood. I'm sure there were some, probably many. It could have been with friends, or family. Those are part of you too.

 

I want to mention a friend of mine who just passed away. He was a holocaust survivor, who had been in a concentration camp from 14 to 19 years old. He barely survived the war, and saw things so horrible that he only told me in hints. He was able to rebuild his life, get married, have a beautiful family. I only met him a few years ago, but he was always smiling and interested to talk.

 

I'm mentioning it to show how strong the human spirit is. The desire to live a full life and not let the unspeakable things he experienced imprison him emotionally forever was so powerful that it overcame all that suffering. To me, he was a hero.

 

So I hope we all can heal our childhood wounds, which can be deeply painful to us, and focus on living the lives we want.

[jensxcom]

Honestly I had happy memories until I was 11 years old when my father screaming- kicked out and my grandmother was put into the nursing home.

Its a long story but from 11-14 I was molested, raped, thrown in the street, verbally abused, by teachers, friends, strangers and family members.

My grandmother was a holocaust survivor too, ashame my family put her in a nursing home where she was beaten all the time- no one even cared.

The memories are hard to get over. At the age of 11 my childhood ended.

[hazlcha]

OK, now you are sharing what you need to share. So I say no, it wasn't dysfunctional. It was a traumatic, abused, victimized childhood. You were given a lot of baggage that no one should ever have to carry, and it's crucial for you now to get into some counseling situation and begin the process of healing.

 

I think you might be tempted to minimize what you have been through, which, though it isn't completely a bad thing to do, can have the result of numbing your feelings accross the board. It's never healthy to wallow in the past, but I don't think it's healthy to deny it either. This story is heartbreaking even for us readers, all the more emotion must be the part of those who were there. You deserve every support now to focus on life, and I think that only a qualified professional can give you the strength to rebalance yourself.

 

I'm a very big fan of the psychologist Viktor Frankl, also a Holocaust survivor. His book, "Man's Search for Meaning" really opened my eyes. If there is a counselor/therapist who uses his technique, called "logotherapy," that might be the best option for you. It was developed by a man who went through trauma and shows how to embrace meaning as a way to accomplish astounding things in life. My survivor friend was a perfect example of that.

 

I'm sure all readers are wishing you success and happiness, and you have our love.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

What's a functional childhood? :S

[jurupa]

jensxcom - You went thru a lot, but the way you deal with it is what matters. From the age of 16 to 20 I basically blamed my child hood for the position I was in. My mom said that the only way I would be able to improve my life from what it was was to face what happened, accept what happen and don't blame your self or the events that happened.

 

I know my child hood has its own disfunctional things and when I tell people (which is a rare thing as I don't like to talk about it) about it they are shock and are surprise to see how I turned out and how I dealt with it. I still have some problems, like sociallizing, but I am working on it.