Please help with this!!

[snowbunny]

Hi,

 

Im completely new to this site but its been great over the last few weeks! About 8 months ago I got into a relationship with my best friend - we have been inseperable since we were 10 and had never looked at each other in that sort of way before. A year ago I broke up with my ex and as always fell back on him - (we support each other entirely emotionally). We ended up kissing and then we realised how we really felt for each other. There was an issue with getting together because he has always been in relationships and was just starting out on being a "lad" which he felt he has missed out on (we are 24 now). At first we decided not to get together and we would not see each other for a while but it never happened, he would turn up here or i would turn up there (or we'd cross in the middle! he lives 2 roads away). we have had a few probs with him going out drinking on fridays after work but he has always been a bit of a binge drinker so although i was unhappy with it, it wasnt a deal breaker (especially as he was making very small efforts to fight it). Anyway, 2 weeks ago I mistakenly found out that a) in the 2nd month we were together he was on a stag weekend in latvia and he fell for a stripper- he kissed her and when he came home emailed her - saying he wanted to move to latvia to be with her. A day or 2 later he did email her saying he hadnt meant any of it though. b) he has drunkenly kissed 3 girls - he doesnt remember doing it but he has been told he did. he didnt sleep with any of them or swap no's or anything.

 

I feel so hurt by all of this - he is devasted and claims he cannot believe what he did. he calls me all day to tell me how much he loves me and that he will never hurt me again. he cries when he sees that i am hurting, he buys me little gifts - not expensive ones but cheap little thoughtful things that he knows will make me smile. I do believe he is sorry but i also know that he will always have an issue that he hasnt had enough sexual partners - we both have a very high sex drive and great sex but I have had 3 times the amount of partners he has had (not that I am proud or not proud of this - I am always safe and am not grotesque with it) - and i know this bothers him alot and I also know that he hates that it bothers him.

 

IS there a happy end to our story? where do we go from here?

 

any thoughts??

 

sadsnowbunny

x

[Goodfun88]

Well that would be a deal breaker for me, but perhaps you are more forgiving than I am. For me actions speak louder than words, so he could tell you all day how much he loves you, but if he goes around kissing other girls, what does that really say to you? He shouldn't be drinking if he can't control himself when he gets drunk and kisses other girls, because that is totally disrespectful to you. I guess its possible to fix this if he is able to gain back your trust and you are able to forgive him. But are you sure this is someone you would want to be with? Good luck girl!

[snowbunny]

the only thing is - i know him (well i guess thats debatable now but i still feel i do) inside out. He suffers with depression and was at a low point - i know it sounds like excuses - but how do u let your best friend of 14 years go - when u both know u are soulmates and i know what will happen to him if we break up (and to me for that matter) do u think he could do anything to earn my trust back? he keeps asking and i dont know - he has given up drinking (so far). . . still confused!!

[Goodfun88]

Yeah, he should definitely lay off the drinking. The only way I can think of to earn back trust is through time. After awhile with no incidents I'm sure you'll feel like you can trust him again. But its hard, and you will probably always think about what he did. Its going to take work on both sides to make this relationship work.

[newbie30]

How long have you been together? It sounds to me like maybe he needs to 'be a lad ' and run around a bit, without selfishly taking you along for the ride. Maybe you should take some time off from being in a relationship as well, and meet up with your best friend at a later date when you are both more settled in yourselves. I don't see this working out right now, especially since he's already hooked up with a couple people. Can you go back to being best friends instead? You seem like you already know what to do, and if he's hurting you this early on, you need to step back.

[snowbunny]

this is going to sound weird but that wouldnt work. If we broke up he wouldnt go out or be a lad - he would mourn. Ive seen him do it before and he has said it aswell. As he says, although he feels like he has missed out on being a lad, he would miss out more not to be with me. he says he is disgusted for what he has done- he wakes me up in the middle of the night to say sorry and has generally been crying at these times- i know he is hurting for what he has done . . do i sound ridiculous? If it helps clarify it more - we are inseperable for the most of the time - we speak throughout the day and stay with each other every night - we try and stay apart but end up on the phone - we finish each others sentences and generally are completely in harmony with each other. he says he always knew we would end up together but didnt think it would be for another few years - is it so silly to believe he got freaked and scared - is it not more stupid to throw all this away?

[newbie30]

how long have you been together? why did he say he knew you'd be together but he didn't think you'd be together for another few years? this seems key...

 

And no, you don't sound ridiculous at all. You seem to be in harmony together, but is he in harmony with himself if he can cheat on you? Could you picture yourself getting drunk and hooking u with another guy by accident?

[snowbunny]

no but dont they say girls and boys are different?