pocky_biscuz Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 For us dumpees we always have this revenge plan in the back of our head where we became great people and they'll realize what they were missing. I'm working on that. I owe my ex money .....a few grand and yet he never demands me to return it right away. He knows i can't right now. I'm hoping that one day i'm a successful career woman and walks up to his place and hands him a big fat check WITH interest. That's my revenge. lol...... Us dumpees needs alot of time to rebuild our confidence again. I just don't understand WHY!! WHY does the ex do that to us? First dump us with lame excuses only to resurface months later after realizing it IS tough out there and tries to make little contacts to make us go crazy (hence coming to this forum searching for answers). I mean we all know they were thinking of us when they made those vague emails. But is what kind of state of mind they were in when writing them drives us nuts!! Does he miss me? Is he trying to re-establish contact? What's the purpose of his email? Solo34, even after 7-8 months one little email still makes you relaspe like that, it just shows.....the ex is forever haunting us dumpees. After 5-6 months for me and getting those stupid emails from him i'm becoming better at handling things. But if i do oneday get an email from him saying wanting to 'get together' i too will be back on this forum searching for advice and answers. Boooo to ex!!!! Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Uhhh, I haven't gotten an email or anything like that at all. It's only been 4 months without her, and I also have no "revenge" planned. I'm just going 2 better myself 4 me. I plan on getting a new car and tuning it up all nice...that's 4 me though, not anyone else. It's going 2 be my hobby again. I hope 2 have clairified this with U. -Solo34 Link to comment
blender Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Rina-Apple, You will be okay. Just work on YOU. And I would keep a jar near my door, and put in any and all change in your pockets at the end of each day, let it add up, no matter how long it takes, each donation to paying him back the money you owe him, will fill up the jar, and symbolize you filing up your self esteem, just try it, even if it's only pennies a day... YOU CAN DO IT, trust me, if you make a goal like this your focus, it will directly effect you, do not respond to any of his emails, the well of love he has for you is dry for now...just for now.. you need to fill up your OWN well for YOUR sake. One day at a time, one penny at a time, one good self thought at a time... try it, put a jar near the door, each time you walk in or out you can be reminded you are healing and becoming a more mature, better person. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! WITHOUT HIM KNOWING, DO IT FOR YOURSELF, HE WILL EVENTUALLY "SENSE" YOU HAVE GROWN... and there is nothing more attractive than that. Make only this plan for yourself, share it with no one else, challenge you against you and then you can truly heal... Link to comment
blender Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Solo, sent you a response in private messages, please read, 4 months seems like an eternity but then look back at so many moments in your life that seem to fly by like a nano-second. This is time you need for YOU...that is why it is happening... take advantage of it. You can do it... she will be around... I know she will... Link to comment
blender Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Winschita, thanks for your encouragement. I need it. I feel badly not responding, after all, I was waiting for so many months just to hear from him..and then when I did, 8 months after no contact..it just made me sad...it wasn't enough..not "direct" enough, just a "let's get together for a heart to heart"... I feel I deserve more information on his intentions at this point.. don't you? I'm kind of old fashioned, but my standards have never let me down, and as I get older, I know how important it is to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything. Link to comment
bcuzitwasfun Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Hi R-A Just wanted to agree with blender and notice from you last post you seem to have made some progress... I would like to offer a couple of observations though, about my situations and others that I have read on this site... It seems strangely enough that as dumpees we want to be strung along. We want the ex to miss us, realize what they gave up, call us, chit chat, show that they care some kind of way....... anything. I've been there, and I'm not afraid to admit it. However I have learned that this attitude while maybe normal, is not healthy. Sometimes as dumpers, we want to string along the ex. We want to be sure that there is somebody really familiar to talk to. Somebody that will answer the call on the first ring. Somebody that will always be glad to talk to us and listen and offer friendship. Not to say that this is always the case, but it seems to be a common trait that I see here and have felt in my life experiences. Again, these are my opinions and observations. Everybody is different, but situations are very simular. Anyhow, I'm glad that you are thinking positive. You're going to be fine. Hang in there bcuzitwasfun Link to comment
pocky_biscuz Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Sorry solo34~ I meant it for blender, about getting an email response. Guess my eyes are too watery that i couldn't read the names properly. I'm slowly rediscovering myself. The day i crawled out of depression as step one i took karate and swimming classes. I gave up on swimming cuz i just couldn't put my head under the water. Too chicken ......but karate i kept up. It made me strong, more confident about myself and have more discipline. My teacher literally told me to stop crying in the gym or he'll kick me out. I turned that into power and worked even harder. Months from now i want to be able to go back as a confident, independent gal he loved. But it's also for me. As time goes by i've become more confortable with spending time alone. Just me as suppose to E*** and I. My friends got to know me as myself not a couple anymore. FIrst time in a long time i realized that there was a life before the boy.....and they'll also be one after. Thanks bcuzitsfun for the support!! Thanks blender! NC all the way! Us dumpees needs more than a lousy email to get OUR attention! Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Oh, I understand now...haha. But yeah, your Sensai told U that because he wanted U 2 be a strong and independent woman...Just keep strong, U'll be perfectly fine. -Solo34 Link to comment
blender Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Having a bad moment guys....feeling blue about not responding to the ex's email from a few weeks ago... but I just can't do it... so I'm hurting, just looking for some kind words about if a man really loves you, he will call even if you haven't answered his emails.... help... just having a doubtful moment.. it hurts to have lost something so special, but if he really loved me...he couldn't have gone these last 8 months without even a phone call... just a vague email... well, I'm trying to "let go", it's the only answer... I want this "hope" to go away. Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I hear U Blender...it's a complicated matter right now, but like I said...don't give up hope, just let him reach 4 U a little more. Please just give it a little more time, girl. Never lose hope on any situation. However, be cautious and don't expect the best scenario...but never lose hope. If it IS true love, then it TRULY will be...it truly will. I'm here 4 U, girl. -Solo34 Link to comment
blender Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Thanks Solo... I'm really aching today..heart is deep in remorse about me not having the courage to respond...but I just can't...and the wondering is difficult. I guess I will always have hope in my heart where he is concerned, at least until I love again...but for now, his memory and us together is what is filling me with sadness... I pray he has the courage to pick up the phone if he really loves me, that's all I can do now is wait...but get on with my life at the same time.. whew..this hurts. I want to "let go" of him once and for all from my heart... he obviously was able to "let go" for the last 8 months... his actions speak loud and clear, I have to remember this, that he let me go...without so much as a "checking in" email over alll this time... that's not a good sign. thanks... Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Yes, I know what U mean by wishing that he'd have at LEAST shown some concern during those 8 months. However, just understand that he may have been thinking about U (even if he was with someone else) and only NOW is making the "attempt." Like I said, be calm and let him reach 4 U. You're doing the right thing by not yet responding. U haven't gotten enough 2 "bite" 4 the bait....ONLY bite if you're sure the bait is worth the risk (more explanatory email or phone call, etc.). If that happens, you'll know what 2 do...just follow your heart when the time comes. -Solo34 Link to comment
bcuzitwasfun Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Hi blender, Not wanting to steal R-A's thread but I thought I'd offer my oppinion... WARNING - PROBABLY NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR - LET GO - LET GO of hope, LET GO of memories. LET GO of him. You have to do this. It is the only way you can overcome this situation. If he emails or contacts you every 8-10 months, and you still feel this way, then he has you in his corner while he is doing what he wants and you are just sitting there. I know, it is hard, you don't like hearing these words and you probably think that I am an ashhole. I'm not, I just want you to feel better and you can if you help yourself. It isn't easy. It will never be easy to let go. Sometimes though you just have to. Best of luck to you bcuzitwasfun Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 No disrespect Mouse, but she must wait 4 him 2 REACH 4 her!! Not the other way around...he WANTS her 2 reach, but she should NOT. I wish SuperDave was here 2 back me up on this one. Blender, just wait until he tries more...if he loves U and wants U, I can PROMISE U that he WILL try again...I know that I would if I was him. -Solo34 Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Alright Mouse, let's agree 2 disagree then.... -Solo34 Link to comment
Echo Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Whoa..Simmer down there guys!! There IS no "right or wrong" way of doing this.I agree with Mouse ...that the person needs to do what feels right for THEM. I am a big believer in doing NC...but ONLY after falling flat on my face after ignoring what I had read about breaking it. Some people simply have to learn on their own.Experience..NOT advice, has to teach them what they need to know. It's kind of like having a "hands on" type of job. Someone can TELL you how to DO it...but you will only master that skill by doing it yourself everyday. Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I was simmered the whole time...but thanks 4 turning down the "heat." -Solo34 Link to comment
blender Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Mouse and Solo, and of course Rina-Apple, you have all been helpful and I hope some of my situation has helped R-A too. I have to go with Solo on this one, a man's point of view is what I need right now. At first after he left me I thought "How could I be so easy to leave?" then months later with some clear thinking, I suddenly thought "How could HE leave so easily?" After all we shared, intimacy, fears, goals, laughter. and he left after I simply had a bad day, a day where I just couldn't listen to him complain about his life anymore.. that was OKAY, TRULY OKAY with me, until he started to nit-pick on anything I did that was "wrong" with my business, personal life etc. I apologized immediately after I got upset, he had done this same thing to me so many times, and I always forgave him, I didn't walk out. I know he was overwhelmed and i understand, but I'm too afraid to be "set back" to where I was months ago, not eating, not sleeping, crying all the time, this "wondering" is at least "live-able". And I heard from a mutual friend today that He (ex) used me as a reference for the job he just got...because the people he applied to had so much respect for me and my work...they never called to ask if the praise he quoted me as saying was true..it was..but it was from a personal conversation I had with him, trying to pump him up to go out and look for work... it was not a business talk... and that makes me so upset.. I don't think that's very classy to use a personal conversation from when we were dating to land him a job, do you? Why would he use my name? Is that okay to do? I wouldn't do that. I'm hurting and need to think clearly about what kind of man he truly is... I fell for the guy that pursued me with love, honesty and a plan for a future together.. he was wonderful, but the guy I fell for wouldn't act like this... maybe I was wrong about him... So for now Mouse, I just can't reply... I want more from him than a vague email, I deserve more of an explaination of his intentions, wouldn't you need that too.. Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Exactly Blender, U know what's going on...Keep your head up, girl. -Solo34 Link to comment
pocky_biscuz Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Totally agree with Solo!! Stick with NC!! IF you reply now it may show a sign of weakness. He might be testing the water to see if you'll be there when he contacts you! I made the mistake of replying right away. Then i got nothing. NOTHING....do you want that?? it may hurt even more that way. By NOT replying the balls are in YOUR court. For once you are in control of the situation and it's YOU who choose not to reply because you are thinking of yourself and what matters to you. You will reply when you are good and ready OR when HE makes more effort! Link to comment
solo34 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Yup Yup....EXACTLY Rina Apple...EXACTLY. -Solo34 Link to comment
blender Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Rina-apple, Solo, Thanks to both of you for telling me it's okay to feel the way I do, and to just let it be for now... that's all I have the strength for... thank you.. Link to comment
pocky_biscuz Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 No problem~ We're all here in the same boat one way or another. We'll get through this! Link to comment
blender Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 yeah, thank god I have others that understand... it's so tough isn't it? Just wondering what will happen, but I guess it's best to take control of what you really "need" to happen and know that what you "need" might not be what you "want". Link to comment
pocky_biscuz Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 So true. During my depression i realized that you don't need a boyfriend. There was a life before the boy came along and there will be a life after. I realized family and friends are more important. Cuz in the end they are the ones you go to when you have nothing left. Treat them like gold cuz they ARE gold. ^^ Link to comment
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