Hopeless

[Asphyxia]

Well, to me it seems that this place has mostly older people posting, but i dont really care. I dont care if the people who reply give me negative and useless words or comments i just want to get this crap off my chest.

 

I have had a problem that has been on my back for almost the entire duration of high school and it wont go away no matter how much i try. I completely fell for a girl in my first year of high school. Now, at the time i had no real friends, however on one fateful day i got to meet this girl and her friends. I have to admit i wasnt "in love with her" the moment i saw her so this isnt completely an infatuation for looks issue. I got to know her and her friends and felt a little better about myself that i had somewhere to go at lunch break rather than roaming the halls like an aimless * * * * * * *. Anyways, that day we ended up walking home together and it wasnt til after we parted that it hit me. The next couple days i came to where her and her friends hung out so we became pretty close friends. However, as time went on i began to feel more shy being around her, i was mostly frustrated being around her friends because they were very annoying and acted stupid all the time so i eventually began seeing her less and less. I always thought of her and it was always a big deal to me whenever we'd speak or walk together which was all very rare. At some point i was too afriad to approach her at her locker. But lets clear something up, she is a grade ahead of me so with my shyness and all it was nearly impossible to talk to her. Anyway, After some time i began to think of her less and less however now, in grade 11, her being in grade 12 i feel overwhelmed by this crush i once had hit me right in the face harder than before. All i do is think of her. ALL DAY. when it hit the point of me crying last night for a brief moment i realized i need to speak to someone or at least write it down like i am now. What makes this so crushing is that im sure she has a boyfriend now and we havent spoken since around this time last * * * *ing year. Its hardler to talk to her than ever before. What hurt even more is that even our friendship has disintegrated. She never says hi or anything when she passes me in the halls, but neither do i. I always try to make it seem like i dont notice that shes there and it looks like she does that too, or used to.. but im not sure. Im so wrapped up in this i have lost interest in so many things. The friends i have now are mostly too immature to understand what im going through because they are really far minded about the idea of having a girlfriend. All they do is talk about bull * * * * so i just sit and stare and daydream of this girl. The bottom line is I feel so very isolated. I wish i could just approach her and tell her how i feel at least but im so afraid is ridiculous. Everytime i catch a glimpse of her in the crowded halls it feels like my chest is caving in. I feel like there is no point in telling her because it will not make a difference. Yet i feel so terrible that she'll leave high school and i will never see her again. Its so pathetic but yesterday i was trying to tell myself that i dont need her and that i dont need to think of her and how i need to stop being negative. I felt a little better at school today but im falling back into this sadness. All i do is think about the time we've spent and thinking about all the chances i've had to approach her or tell her how i felt. Shes the only girl i've ever really liked and i cant find anyone that makes me feel like she did. I wish i could get my mind off of her but maybe i dont want to, maybe im not making an effort. Effort, i wish i had more of that. I am so passive. My father is harder to reach now that he moved to the end of the country and he is the only person i can really talk to...I havent told him about this issue before but i am getting pretty close. I feel so embarrassed, ill die if i approached her and said these things. I have one of her friends in one of my classes so that would be awkward if i did. Its been a very stressful, frustrating time for me, i've never had a real girlfriend before and i just feel the need to be loved.

[Dannysgirl]

Do you think this girl has similar feelings for you?

[nikkers04]

If you can't approach her why don't you write her a letter and all you have to do is walk up to her give it to her walk away...you don't even have to say anything. Love is a very complicated thing. My ex fiance told me he loved and like me for 2 years before I ever felt anything for him...he was patient and waited that long for me to get my act together...we were together for 2 years after then and not very long ago he fell out of love with me and i'm the one crushed hoping he realizes he is being dumb. Best of luck to you pm if you need 2.

[Relationship Coach]

Asphyxia,

Welcome and you are in good company here. There are many your age and many who are older but have walked in your shoes at one point in their life, I've been there as well.

 

A crush like this can consume everything about who you are or who you think you are. I had a similar crush and the same circumstances, I was a junior in high school and she was a senior. I was on the wrestling team and she was a cheerleader, so I used to give her a ride home almost every day. We talked about many things and to my amazement shared many of the same interests, she loved cheerleading and I loved cheerleaders.

 

 

She was very bright and at the top of her class and I never even really noticed her or even considered her obtainable. After 2 or 3 weeks of giving her a ride home, I started falling hard, I couldn't speak and when I did, it was gibberish. She started to think that I didn't like her because I didn't talk to her like I did in the beginning. She started getting rides with some of the other cheerleaders, I was crushed. In the spring she learned that she was accepted at Vanderbilt and my world came to an end. I knew that once summer started she would be gone and I would always hate myself for being too scared to tell her how I felt. After many dry runs, I finally caught up with her after school one day and asked her if she needed a ride, she said yes.

 

I remember it like it was yesterday, Smokey Robinson on the radio, "Crusin". Before we got out of the parking lot, I had dumped my 10 minute monologue in her lap. She sat there silent for a few uncomfortable minutes and then said, "I had no idea you felt that way, it took me weeks to get up the nerve to ask you for a ride home last fall." We both laughed, went for some ice cream and had the best time of our lives until she went away to college.

 

Yes, it hurt like hell when she left but some how, the pain was worth spending our limited amount of time together. Tell her how you feel, the pain of not telling her will consumes you for a very long time. Good Luck from an Old Guy!

[Asphyxia]

i was thinking of giving her a letter, but im afraid of being such a coward. And to "Dannysgirl's question: I have no idea but when were closer friends it seemed so to me.

[valenski]

I could tell you my own story but I'm sure you know it all to well, so instead I'll give you a message from the future.... Dont be stupid, You've already waited too long dont let her slip out of your life without her knowing how you feel, you still have a little time its not much but its time I wish I had. Its time to face the music and even if she doesnt feel the same way about you, it may be the thing to ease your heart ache.

Dont be consumed by fear and live the rest of your life not knowing.

 

Thats my opinion

________________________________________________

Sometimes the treasure is not what you expect.

[Asphyxia]

I think i want to try and talk to her again, just as friends, just to ask how shes been and stuff hopefully she'll have the time or she'll be walking home. And if i feel confident about spilling my guts out to her at the end i will. But i want to see if we can be closer friends again first.

 

im not sure what to think of what she may have thought about me. I have a feeling she may have liked me a little at one point. Somehow i found her on this Myspace site and i read something she sent to a friend of hers that said that she cant sleep, and that if only "this boy" would talk to her she would get to sleep sooner. She said shes not that lucky. She seemed a little shy before and it seemed she may have been doing what i was doing (not saying hi, pretending that she doesnt notice that im there) But i have a feeling that she wants me to talk to her, only thing is im as shy or even worse than she is. ah well.. now im just rambling. I will try to talk to her somehow though, i just have to or ill want to die.