What's wrong with me?

[Serendipity1607307077]

Hi guys..

 

I have a wonderful relationship with my fiancee whom I have been with for just over two years now... we have had my problems but have been able to address them and have a stronger relationship because of it...

 

Ever since our anniversary (on which we had no 'celebration' of our togetherness, he went out to a LAN party instead - I was ok with it to start with by I realised later I wasn't) I haven't felt the same way about him... this last week, when he kisses me and hugs me, I don't feel the same affection for him that I used to..

 

And it's just making me upset.. because I thought he was going to be the one that I was going to be with for the rest of my life.. I still love him, but I don't know whether I still LOVE him...

 

I want to sort this out with him.. but I hate having to bring things up like this... I hate hurting people because I have felt all sorts of emotional pain... I don't like making people upset..

 

He's my first 'serious' boyfriend and he always said that he is scared that I would leave because I wanted more experience and 'single girl' fun... and I always swore that this wouldn't happen, that I love him incredibly, and I have no need for anyone else... lately I have been thinking on this a bit and I think I have a bit of a crush on this guy that I have been online gaming with.. I have known him for about a year now, he's funny, hot and fit... he also understands me, I have told him everything about Luke and he has been there for me..I know the grass is always greener so I'm not going to do anything silly like cheat, but I guess this might have swayed my emotions a bit..

 

I don't know whether I want guidance or whether I'm just venting a bit, probably a bit of both.. any comments are appreciated..

[DN]

Surely you are not saying your feelings changed because you guys didn't celebrate your anniversary? If they really have changed make sure that you know why and that you are not somehow trying to shift the 'blame' on to him. There probably isn't any 'blame' anyway as it is not uncommon for people to fall out of love or want something different especially at a younger age.

 

If you have major doubts you should break up with him as gently as possible and without assigning blame, but I think you should work hard on the relationsip first and forget about other guys unless and until you have realised it is not working with him and broken up.

[unicornq]

Serendipity, although the details are different, I find that we are in the same boat.

 

I have a very dedicated boyfriend of 6 years. We are so devoted to each other that neither of us would think about breaking the relationship. He's been really caring to me. I was determined to marry him. But since about a year ago, I became not so sure. And somehow I started to wonder if I love him. He did nothing wrong. It's just me who is having doubts.

 

And to make things worse, I developed a crush on someone in class since about three months ago. This has obviously made my doubts about my current relationship even deeper.

 

Now the class has ended and I probably will not see that someone again in a month or two. I'm getting over the crush feelings to develop friendship. This is difficult but I'm determined to get over it.

 

It must be just coincidence, my bf has become especially sweet to me during these few weeks, such as giving me flowers on new year day, cooking for me, and giving me many presents. And all these made me just more confused. I mean I really care about my bf, and enjoy being together with him. But I'm really not sure if I LOVE him or will be ready to spend the rest of life with him.

 

I hate to state it this way, but this is apparent to me: My crush made me experience how loving someone is like (although my feelings are not reciprocated). But I realized I didn't experience similar feelings of love during the course of the relationship with my bf... Hence the deeper doubt.

 

Like you, Serendipity, I dunno if I'm asking for advice, but it helps to write things out. Good luck and take care.

[Itsok]

This sounds silly, but hear me out.

 

It is alright. All people have some serious doubts about their mates at one point or another.

 

How long have things been going 'really well' in your relationships? A few weeks, months, etc? You will laugh, but the times you feel that things are going bad are probably the times that things are going exceptionally good.

 

Why? Because you don't feel that 'drive' to prove yourself, you don't feel rejected, you don't feel that there is anything to fight for. In short, you are probably spending too much time together and things have been going too darn good. Silly but completely true.

 

*insert laugh or weird face here*

 

I'm completely serious. I know women always say they want someone who is perfect, who they never fight with, with whom no problems ever arise...that isn't hard to maintain. Thus boredom sets in, and the routine of life makes you detach your strong emotions from one another.

 

I bet if your fiance/boyfriend came to you today and said he didn't love you anymore, you would completely panic, all your doubt would be gone, and you would profess your undying love. Am I right?

 

It's ok to feel this way. It's ok to question things. There's no reason to feel guilty or upset, or like you are doing something wrong.

 

Also Serendipity, you are probably feeling resentment, which does put a damper on your feelings as well. You "haven't felt the same way about him... this last week, when he kisses me and hugs me, I don't feel the same affection for him that I used to.." You see? Don't worry sweetie, you are probably feeling a bit resentful, and are reading a lot into things. It has only been one week, and low and behold, you didn't feel this way until he didn't acknowledge your anniversary. Resentment puts a damper on loving feelings.

 

I'm not saying brush all your feelings under the table. I'm saying that it's probably nothing and most couples go through times where they start to doubt things. That's completely normal and you aren't about to jump up and run for the hills are you? It's only been one week since you've felt this way.

 

My advice: Go out with your friends a few times this week, go do some things minus the finance. Spend some time with yourself and I can almost guarantee that things will be alright for both of you. Also, realize you are hurt that he went out and didn't really celebrate your anniversary! You feel numb and confused and worry that you aren't important enough to him. Tell him that it was more important to you than you thought, and you are hurt.

 

It will be ok

 

I really believe it will be ok for you

 

 

Have you ever read, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I really believe that book and it says what I am saying now. It's true. Stupid and true, guaranteed.

[darkblue]

If your feelings have changed - it wouldn't be fair to put on a charade of happiness. It's not fair to you, or him.

 

Find out what you really feel for him.

If your feelings have changed - you have to let him go.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Thanks for your help and suggestions... sorry I didn't respond sooner.. we actually just went through a cyclone here.. so yeah...

 

I spoke to Luke about what I was feeling and we did sort out a lot, I think we are getting on a lot better now... I really appreciate all your comments!

[darkblue]

That's great, seren.

Thanks for the update and I hope all goes well.

[Huntsman]

he went out to a LAN party instead - I haven't felt the same way about him... this last week, when he kisses me and hugs me, I don't feel the same affection for him that I used to..

 

= he's probably sleeping with someone else. and scared of settling down. he displays this, and you sensed it.

 

I still love him, but I don't know whether I still LOVE him...

 

= we need to know more about your problems together. I guess they are sex based. he is looking for it elsewhere / you are losing passion.

 

I think I have a bit of a crush on this guy that I have been online gaming with..

 

= you can smell other women on your man. you are setting up alternative options for yourself. natural.

 

I don't know whether I want guidance or whether I'm just venting a bit, probably a bit of both..

 

= need to know about your sexual problems. sort them out or he'll leave you very soon.

[ComputerGuy]

Erm, I highly doubt he is sleeping with someone else. If he said he was going to a LAN, he probably was going to a LAN. Speaking as a computer geek, most don't lie about LAN parties

 

When you spend too much time with someone, as was said, routine and hence boredom sets in. Also I can understand what you mean about getting crushes with people you play online with - in MMO games like World of Warcraft, Everquest, etc it's very common. The thing you need to realise with this is that it's a fantasy world and the crush is a part of that fantasy world you play in. It's who they are in the game and the atmosphere of the game that's the crush, not the person behind the PC.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I know that Luke isn't one to cheat, he has told me that there is no way in the world he will find someone who treats him as well as I do... he is pretty spoilt....

 

Luke loves it when I come to LAN parties with him because it means he can show off that his GF is open to his geekdom... and I love being able to make him happy by playing games with him and embracing his world.

 

We have become a lot closer and more open to each other since we talked. I guess that I felt ok with him going to the LAN party but in the end I realised that it would have been nice to do 'something' to celebrate, whether it was dinner or otherwise.

 

When I first met him, he was on anti-depressants which I made him come off (he had been on them for three years) and he has stomach medication which he has been on for a while now, to combat his reflux. I think that this medication has a lot to do with his lack of sex drive. I guess it doesn't help that I am on the pill which I have heard also lowers sex drive in women who take them....

 

We are slowly getting through it though and as is for most men, talking about your lack of desire to have sex is a very sensitive issue and one that he is aware of... despite this, we DO have a wonderful base relationship, and I appreciate all the advice I have received on this forum since being with him - you guys have shaped me and my relationship and I cannot thank you enough for the support that you have shown me!