help, my mama is whackie and crazy

[shiminimo]

how can i deal with my mama when she's all the time acting crazy? one minute she's happy the next minute she's going bolistic. she says terrible things about me and other people and tells alot of lies so that she can get attention and get her own way. x-mas with her was awful and i don't know how to make her stop. any advice will help.

[rosstheboss]

does she know she has this problem and is she getting and medication or counselling?

[shiminimo]

no she won't get help. she blames all her problems on me. this is serious she tells people that i have bi-polor disorder. and makes me look lik i'm the one who is crazy. she is a nurse so people believe her. i think it is her that has bi-polor disorder. i don't even really know what bi-polor disorder is.

[darkblue]

Is she diagnosed with bipolar?

[shiminimo]

darkblue, i don't know

but i know she wouldn't tell me if she is. sometimes she gets really weird and talks in a different tone of voice. alot of time she will get on the phone with me and say how she hates everyone.

[darkblue]

Do you live with her?

[shiminimo]

no i live five minutes away from her. so it is hard to avoid her.

[shiminimo]

this is what she did to me on x-mas. i had to work so i told her that i would be there for dinner right after i got down with work, after work i went home to take a shower because i felt nasty. the phone rang, it was her she started screaming at me because i came home to take a shower instead of going over there. so she said forget it don't come her for x-mas.

[Jinx]

Sounds like a deal of Bipolar symptoms (judging from what you've described) but something makes me believe it isn't simply just that but another underlying problem which is also triggering her.

 

sometimes she gets really weird and talks in a different tone of voice

The mood swing episodes and from passive to angered and such sounds like it, but I don't believe I've ever met a strictly Bipolar patient which engages in the voice changes. Now it may be that she recognizes she has Bipolar Disorder that is why she claims you're instable, thus if she claims it is you and she is a nurse most will believe.

 

Of course there are two sets of faulty logic here, Nurses aren't technically your Psychological disorder experts, they are required a degree of Psychology and Human related Social classes but their emphasis is on physical health in a majority of cases, thus her claiming that you're Bipolar and her self diagnosis by the sounds should not be followed.

 

Actually, it worries me at times, for most women I've met whom are Bipolar or have similar disorders, they are Nurses or within the Medical field.

 

Secondly, individuals whom realize they are Bipolar become quite efficient with the public about masking their episodes. Thus, they can press that someone else has the diagnosis but not themselves because they can usually conduct themselves in a rational manner. My ex-boyfriend and one friend's mother are close examples of those which had this down to an art, only close friends and family members which have been under fire of these people know the serious extent of this.

 

If you're able you may consider speaking to the family Medical doctor about this first. Unfortunately, a deal of Social Services and other such sections will not respond until there is an immediate threat at hand such as posing a threat to fellow family members through violence, or they pose personal risk by becoming severely depressed and suicidal. Like I say, it doesn't seem like a clean clear cut case of Bipolar Disorder and I can't honestly put my finger on anything from a distance but she does have problems which need dealt with whether it is an extreme Anger issue or she is indeed Bipolar with a possible double diagnosis.

 

Only until they become an obvious threat or problem to society is much taken, it really depends on your local services as they truly vary. Certain services are very quick and react professionally to problem cases, where as others, they'll only act when you contact an MD, Psychologist, or Psychiatrist and they contact the services regarding the treatment and required intervention.

 

You will realize, that most individuals which have Bipolar will refuse to acknowledge it, go into a phase of denial, blame others, and all that you have mentioned. Only few will personally seek out treatment before a situation becomes potentially very extremely messy.

 

Like I say, best thing since policies and action level varies from state to state is first contact a medical doctor esp. family level, then if that does not prove beneficial and you see an decrease and problems contact a Psychiatrist (preferably) or Psychologist. Psychiatrists are best with patients with Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia or similar disorders because they unlike a general Psychologist, have both Medical and Psychologic teaching, which is especially need in an at risk case.

[savannahohsavannah]

Nope, this is NOT bipolar disorder, it's most likely Borderline Personality Disorder. YOU can not fix her! Look out for yourself. Be there when she's appropriately behaved, and when she isn't, tell her flat out you see she's not ready for company and leave!

Savannah

[ghozt]

sounds like my mom might be menapods or some odd desie

[Willow_Moon]

LOL, I know where you are... I live close to my mother also... and she pulls the same stuff. It was REALLY bad when I was a teen, and I imagine my own 15 year old sisters go through much of the same thing. I am the oldest of six girls. Now that I am out of the house it is easier to deal with... I simply refuse to deal with her while she is having an "episode." My sisters and I have dubbed it Crazy Mode or CM for short. Our Christmas was also pretty well ruined, because she decided to have a fit. It angered me because I had worked very hard on Christmas... my daughter's first and the whole family coming to my house, BUT I was surprised that I didn't take it personally.

 

BTW, my mom is a nurse also... and she too has a different work personality, but at the same time she is extremely good at her job and patients love her - and I myself have an anxiety disorder along with depression, so I found myself really sucking it up and just going for it if I had to go in public... almost like acting - the scene in Avatar where Howard Hughes has to go to dinner really hit home with me... and I realized that is what she does also. I recognize I do it, and she recognizes also that she does it... but I don't think either of us suffer from BPD - it feels more like stage fright. My thoughts feel disorganized, sorry I just woke up, but I hope this is making sense.

 

Anyway, I go to a psychiatrist on a continuing basis... now I am at the point where I basically I go for a check-up every three months... I take my meds, and monitor myself. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, not bipolar or BPD. My mother has also been to a psychiatrist, but I am not sure of her diagnosis, but I don't think she is Bi-Polar either, my sister is bi-polar and there is a distinct difference in their symptoms. My mother never gets the high happy that my sister gets... and when my sister's depression hits - it seems to come from nowhere, and she is not abusive towards others... she internalizes, much like I do. For instance when I had my daughter, everyone was on high alert for postpartum depression... including myself, and when I told my psychiatrist that PPD scared me, because I didn't ever want to be in a place where I could hurt my child, he assured me that I wouldn't ever hurt my child or anyone else... if I got PPD I would be at very high risk of hurting myself because of the type of depression I suffer from. Incidentally, my daughter is 8 months and no signs of PPD have shown up.

 

With my mother... and I am not a psychiatrist, but it seems to me that she is more a sociopath than anything else, along with a healthy dose of depression. There is a real disconnect there when it comes to emotion... whether happy or sad, and she seems to honestly not be able to empathize with those around her. It is as if she goes through the motions and does what appears to be correct. I think it is part of why she is such a good nurse, she can deal with death and dying - but not be emotionally affected by it, thereforeee she can easily care for a patient without getting distracted and her "calm" is soothing to her patients. I have watched her working and every time I am blown away by what a wonderful job she does, and how easily she makes her patients laugh.

 

I have also noticed with my mother that when she goes into CM, she becomes completely irrational - and only much later is she able to look back and see that she went wacky... when she is doing it, there is absolutely no point in even trying to tell her she is doing it again... she cannot pull herself out of it or even recognize that she is doing it. She wont take her meds and any evil thing she does she feels completely justified. Even later when she admits that she was out of line, it is generally just a partial admission - not what I would call a heartfelt apology and twenty years ago, I could forget even ever getting that much.

 

I remember once after having scrubbed the kitchen completely - toothbrush for the tile and all, she came home and decided the kitchen was filthy for some unknown reason... I guess I missed a spot, but she then proceeded to literally start taking everything out of the pantry and fridge and throwing it on the floor... rice, flour, ketchup, eggs... you name it. And then she said to me, now you are gonna clean it up - and it was the first time I told her not only no, but hell no... she made that mess and she could clean it up. Shockingly, she did clean it up and I didn't get in further trouble for refusing. I don't know what saved my hind end that day... a moment of clarity on her part? My mother never beat me, but I remember being SCARED of her, because she would without warning just go off the deep end.

 

As an adult, now removed from the situation to some extent... she lives like five houses down, but anyway there are some things I have noticed. When she is particularly stressed, sick, or hasn't been sleeping well... then she is more likely to go into CM. The stress doesn't necessarily have to be negative, either... but if it overwhelms her - good or bad - like Christmas for instance, then we are more likely to see her crazy side. She says mean horrible things about her 'target' that cut like a knife... this time my sister was her target and she just went on and on about what a horrible mother she was and how she doesn't love her child and she hoped the father got custody... and that she would even help the father get custody - it was beyond over the top and my sister of course was bawling. The next couple of days I continued to talk to her, but I absolutely refused to be drawn into an argument - and I told her that I felt she was acting out of character and that she really needed to go and take a nap and let things cool off for a couple of days. Of course I also asked her to take her meds, but she refused - I told her I loved her and that was the extent of my communication with her. I reminded my sister to try very hard to not take what she was saying personally and to simply not feed into her behavior. Refuse to argue, refuse to take what she was saying personally. This episode ended in record time... days vs. weeks, and I think it had a lot to do with the fact that not one person gave her any ammunition.

 

I hope this helps you... I suspect if your mother is anything like mine, she is very exacting - probably even very smart. She probably makes people laugh out loud, because she says things that others wouldn't dare say... she isn't trying to be funny, but it comes off that way and she enjoys the attention. She feels superior to those around her, and in many way - technically she probably is, but emotionally she is not, but because of the disconnect I spoke of earlier, she doesn't realize her lack of emotions, empathy, and sympathy. It is simply not there. I think - and this is my own theory - that is part of the reason my mother goes off the deep end, since she has no ability to truly understand how deeply her words and actions cut, she doesn't have the natural ability to check herself like most of us do. She doesn't consider the consequences, because to do so would mean she would have to emotionally emphasize with the outside world.

 

It is a sucky thing to deal with as her daughter, as I know you are aware of, but we have one of two choices... completely cut her out of our lives, which is probably the healthiest thing we could do for ourselves OR recognize that SHE IS CRAZY, NOT YOU - and don't feed into her craziness - you can't cause it or prevent it, only she can do that by seeking medical help. You can refuse to deal with her when she is acting inappropriately and refuse to allow her to get to you personally. It is not easy, but if you can get yourself to a place where she doesn't emotionally affect you, then you will be on the right path. And one other tip, even when you two are getting along and she is not in CM, don't let her get too close... don't share things with her that she can later turn around and use against you. It is sad, but the relationship I have with my mother is very superficial in many regards - because if I let her in I feel like I am opening myself up to an assault. She doesn't seem to even notice that I have emotionally disconnected from her, I don't really do much different, but I have a completely different attitude.