Dumped last week - cant cope

[curlyl1]

Hi

 

Completely out of the blue last week my partner (whom i lived with in his house for the past 4 years) told me that our relationship was "dead". I feel like a complete fool as i was totally unaware that there was a problem.

 

He wants us to remain in contact, but i dont know what to do. I cant accept its over, i cant sleep or eat.

 

I am not a silly fool, i am a 32 year old who has been in a longterm relationship before, so why was this such a shock?

[novaseeker]

Was it completely out of the blue? Were there any problems you had been working on? Were there any other warning signs at all?

 

As for remaining in contact ... you should make that decision, not him. Remaining in contact often makes it harder to accept that things are truly over and to move on.

[curlyl1]

Honestly, completely out of the blue. He was a bit quite and i asked him why, but he said it was just work (Male nurse in intensive care). Says he loves me and im his best friend. All our pals are completely shocked and say that he has made a mistake and will realise it soon and advise me to hang in there - but i just dont know what to do.

 

I agree with you re. contact making it harder - do i just move on?

[novaseeker]

Well ... it depends on what you want to do. If you want to see if there is a relationship left to salvage, going "no contact" for a while may help you figure that out as well, because likely if there is a relationship to be had, your partner will come back and investigate during that time period because he will miss you. On the other hand, if thaht doesn't happen then you have a better idea that there isn't a relationship to be had and that it's time to move on, and that's easier without the contact as well.

 

For the short term, you should get with your friends and support network, get out of the house and be active, do things like going to the gym or long walks so as to tire yourself out and make yourself hungry, etc., because the no sleeping and no eating thing wreaks havoc on your neurochemistry and makes you feel even worse.

[curlyl1]

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. My friends (not joint friends) are all being a bit biased just now and are in man-hater mode which isnt really helping. Also i was engaged before and my fiance died so everyone keeps telling me ive been through worse and to get on with it. I know they are right but i feel like this is the straw that is going to break the camals back.

Thanks for listening

[curlyl1]

Hi

 

I am just getting more and more confused. I spoke to my ex last night to arrange when i could come down and get my stuff. After arranging a suitable time, we continued to talk on the phone for another 30 mins about general things, it was as if nothing had happened - we did not talk about any "heavy" stuff though. Was he just being a pal? Or is there a chance if i hang in there?

 

I felt a bit more settled after talking to him, but am i just kidding myself on? Does anyone have any advice?

[novaseeker]

It's hard to tell. Some people are pretty good at compartmentalizing ... in other words, by avoiding the relationship stuff, he may have been able to manage keeping the conversation in a manageable "compartment" and it's quite possible that he still relates to you well on that level. I think if he were still interested in the relationship stuff, he wouldn't have avoided the topic, but it's hard to read.

[curlyl1]

thanks, you are right. Right now he is sure that our relationship is over. My problem is that i am kidding myself on that he will change his mind in time

[novaseeker]

The challenge is that when you're trying to hold out hope, and you're still in close-ish contact with the person, your mind will tend to find things to latch onto as signs of hope, even if they aren't really there. It's difficult, which is why so many people recommend keeping contact to a minimum after a break-up (clearly you have practical stuff to take care of with this person, and going completely no contact isn't feasible yet, I would think).

[curlyl1]

I think all i can do then, is leave the rest of my stuff there just now, and get my dad to go down and collect one day, when my ex is working (obviously with is permission).

He said that he would call me today, to go for coffee, and it is only 10.30am and i must have checked my phone 100 times - i know this isnt good for me. I just wish i hated him

[Danny H]

Curlyl1, I'm not surprised you are in shock, quite a bombshell was dropped on you.

 

Yes you have been through worse, but sometimes that doesn't help, it just makes you weaker when the next break happens.

 

In terms of NC it seems like you have to do it , if for no other reason than it might give you a chance to reflect on the relationship and see if there was any problems that you had not noticed ( usually a guy fault-lol).

 

If there were really no problems, and you still love him after NC, hopefully he might just come to his senses.

 

But you'd have to iron out went the hell went on, you can't be panicking everytime you hit a bad patch, that he is going to walk

 

Best

 

Dan