complication

[All_By_Myself]

Hey guys, i'm new to this site, but found it because i was seeking a little bit of advice or opinions.

At the moment i'm in a relationship with lets say 'T', have been now for 3 years... the relationship has just come to a level point where all the real bad things have just passed, there were problems not so long ago but its all fine now.. But anyways..

..I have a problem..

 

I started college in september this year and have been talking to this guy who im now good friends with... ok seems alright, but he works at a rock venue and invited me along to help but bla bla bla. Back to the point, i've been feeling things towards ..lets call him 'J', that i shouldn't but i can't help it.. and when we where out i spent near on 12 solid hours with the guy and we had to sit there waiting in the car for 2 hours, so i got to know him alot more and wateva, which really did not help. And i'm the sort of person to hug all my friends, but ive never had a hug off 'J' until saturday night because i thought he was .. what i call 'huggaphoebic' but i got a few hugs in that night, as well from his friend but hes a mate.. and i felt really close to him, and he actually makes me happy, basically all the time, and when i think of him i smile..

Well right now i can't get him off my mind, just wondering what would happen if i were single (like in a parallel universe lol)

But at the same time i know i can;t feel this way and ive tried just not thinking about it but i can't help the way i feel. Its really bad!

 

OK about me and 'T':

I've been through alot with 'T', quite rough times in the past which was brought up when i started college when his ex started there when i did ('t' goes to my college too) and alot of things kicked off and i found out things like when he dumped me a year ago that he'd went to see her and wateva, which i never knew/ so you can imagine ive been feeling betrayed. But with all that behind us now, things are fine/ no arguments, depression spots or anything. But we dont go out anymore like we used to, and tbh its driving me mad having a routine and staying in all the time ](*,)

So ive been questioning over the last 2 or 3 weeks whether i actually love 't' anymore or whether its just the convienience of us two being together wise, friends wise, we live close etc etc.. Plus i dont want to hurt him either, its christmas aswell and we have all these plans for next year and wateva and i dont know what to do.

 

But i do have these feelings for 'J'...

 

Can anyone shed a lil light on this deep dark patch of mine?

 

All_By_Myself

 

thanks for your time

[Mrocza]

I think you ask yourself whether you LOVE T or you're IN LOVE with T.

 

It's pretty obvious that you're into J- he makes you happy, he's different, he's something new and exciting. You had a rocky past with T, but now things are cool- I personally would not forget something like that.

 

I don't recommend doing anything before the holidays because that's pretty harsh, but think about what you want. Not convenience, or what your family wants, but whether you want to be with T, or would be happier with J, etc.

[All_By_Myself]

thanks for the advice.

I would never do anything before christmas, certainly not since his bday is on christmas day too.

I was thinking maybe ride it out, see how i feel in a few months, but i really gotta talk to someone about it, that i know, its killing me bottling it up..

[Mrocza]

I can imagine. Obviously you're stressed out and confused since you have an extensive history with T (you mentioned your family, etc)

 

If you feel it's a passing thing, then wait it out. But if you're going to be spending more time with J, figure out where your priorities lie.

 

In the end, putting aside T and J and your family and Christmas, your history, etc. etc...it should be about you.

[All_By_Myself]

thanks, i wasn't actually thinking about me to be honest... its the last thing i think about usually.

 

My past with T wasnt nessessarily happy, i think my recent doubt came from the the past being brought back up etc.. but im guna have to see how it goes.. recently as well T has been really paranoid, altho he dotn admit it, everytime im in college talking to my mate a guy called K .. he keeps going 'hanging with your bf again' and when i talk about anything about j, and when we went out saturday he says that about him too.. its really starting to piss me off tbh, but he wont tell me why he says it

 

but about J i really gotta jus keep my thoughts to myself, and its hard, i spend everyday at college with him, he's in 3-4 of my subjects so its hard.

 

But just thinking hypothetically, if i came to end my relationshiip with T and in time i find J likes me too and wateva, i have another problem.

At college i mainly hang about with J and this girl 'S', now S has feeling for J, and has told him about how she feels and wateva,but he said no cos of his reasons of a painful break-up.. so i feel like even my feelings below the surface right now could hurt her if me and J ever got together

[Mrocza]

Well, assuming you do want to hook up with J in the future, how close of a friend are you to S? And if he told S he did not want to be with her than I don't understand where you stand in that situation as there is no situation. You can't help it if it didn't work out for them. Unless she's a close/life long friend, you should have to stray away from happiness because it wasn't meant for her.

 

It sounds like T is the jealous type...and you obviously don't like it. Like I said, it all has to do with your happiness. Whether you decide you want to be with J or T, remember to put YOURSELF first.

[ratherbesailing]

All by myself -

 

I may be reading too much into your posts but it sounds like things are already headed down hill with T already. Life is a lot different at college than high school and it is pretty common for people to grow apart and at the same time become exposed to so many more opportunities some of which will be the romantic type.

 

I'm not really sure that waiting till after the holidays to break up with him is such a great idea. It isn't going to help him thinking he's got all of your heart if he doesn't. If you do it right after finals are over he'll have some time to recover over the holidays. If you do it when you return it will be a tough way for both of you to start the new term.

 

It would probably be good for you to have the down time over the holidays and then you can see what happens with J when you return.

 

I'm big on the rules of who can date someone else's ex but I've never heard of one where you can't date a guy because he's turned down a friend who asked him first. It would be nice of you to tell her right away if you do go out with J so she doesn't find out from someone else and so you can let her know that you care about her feelings. But I don't think he needs to be off limits considering that they never dated.

 

Good luck.

[All_By_Myself]

thanks alot fairie, thats has shed some light

 

S isnt such a close friend, ive known her as long as i have J, but i know if i ever got with J and she still felt for him, shed feel like no one likes her etc because shes not had a very good relationship history and shes a very troubled girl. plus shes in my lessons.. but im sure shell understand or something...

[Mrocza]

thanks alot fairie, thats has shed some light

 

S isnt such a close friend, ive known her as long as i have J, but i know if i ever got with J and she still felt for him, shed feel like no one likes her etc because shes not had a very good relationship history and shes a very troubled girl. plus shes in my lessons.. but im sure shell understand or something...

 

Like I said, you can't let her interfere with your happiness. It may sound a bit harsh, but she isn't a close friend and she can't hold it against you that it worked out for you when nothing happened in the first place for her.

 

I hope it all works out for you. Just be strong...sometimes it takes courage to do what's right for you.

[All_By_Myself]

thanks.but 'ratherbesailing' i want to be sure of my feelings first before i do anything, also i dont want to do it before xmas, i am not heartless.

 

im not sure if he likes me or not tho. i sit next to him in all my lessons in college, and we always play fight (not very college like i know) he always keep poking me, and starting a poking war which is fun.. not in the middle of class tho lol. and hes always taking my scarf, and he really takes interest in my jewellery, like my rings, altho my rings that fit on my thumbs, only fit the top part of his lil finger, which we all find hilarious. And when we were out on saturday his friend found out that i was ticklish, so now he knows im ticklish he wont stop tickling me lol.

now i dont know if thats being good friends or wat tbh.. or whether its a sign he may like me. But i know he picks on S too but not as much..

 

can anyone tell from this if he may have some interest... just out of interest lol

[All_By_Myself]

thansk for the help guys