Don't Be Affraid To Be Alone !!

[DJ_QUALLS]

Staying together for the kids or because you dont want to hurt your partners feelings is a kind gesture but in reality it will come back and bite you. I was with my ex wife for 5 years, married 2 of those years. We had a good relationship until about 2 years into it i began to ponder the way i REALLY felt about here. I came to this conclusion. I love her but am i in love with her ? The answer was no. Soemtimes things can blind you about relationships ,you may think you in love or you may think you know a person , but your not and you dont.But you're blind because you see what you want to see and feel what you want to feel. Well, reality hit and i woke up.

 

See, i was never afraid to be alone .My ex was, and thats what led to the breakdown of the marriage. She loved me but was not in love. She just wanted a warm body close to her no matter who it was. How do i know? Well at the beginning of our realtionship and through time, she began to tell me stories how she had many " partners " and would get physically, mentally and emotionally abused by them . Now, i'm thinking to myself, if everytime you meet a guy and he physically, mentally and emotionally abused by you, one right after the other, wouldnt you want a break ? Time off to just regroup and figure out why this is happening ? No not her. See she didn't want to be alone. She suffered abuse at the hands of her mother, stepfather ,grandmother and here being in and out of foster homes being abused while growing up had a lot to do with it. It took away who she was inside.Yes she had a ROUGH childhood .

 

I stuck in the marriage not wanting to hurt her by her knowing i wasnt in love with here and my feelings were fading . Well, we had a baby and i'm thinkng well since the baby is here , my feelings will change , maybe fatherhood will make me bond more with the mother of my child...WRONG..

 

Dont stay because of the kids you are only hurting yourself. Life is not meant to be lived in turmoil and confusion and drama 24/7. Yes it is hard leaving,but look, i have been alone for the past 2 years and i LOVE it. I left a stressfull, and negative situation and i feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted. In those 2 years by myself i have been focusiing on me for a change and bettering myself and trying to reach goals i set for myself and figuring out who i am and what happened so i wont kame those same mistakes again. To be withouth the distractions and negativity and constant drama i had in my marriage is a good thing. Yes it is hard leaving you child or children , but is it good for them to see mommy and daddy fighting ? NO.I do not regret leaving what so ever.

 

What led to the marriage ending ? Well it's like this , my ex was EXTREMELY needy emotionally because she lacked love growing up as as a child , ( and i did love her and told her everyday which obviously wasnt good enough) , so because she "felt" i wasnt giving her what she needed she cheated . And you know what, i wasnt surprised because she has a problem and it was a matter of time before she found another "warm body" or victim. You see, instead of trying to make our marriage work or find out why we had a breakdown or find out why i felt the way i did, she choose to go in in search of someone else. (At least i tried to make things work ) . Matter of fact during my last week at our appartment before i was to move into my new location and before the divorce was even final, she was going out on dates with the guy and coming in at 2 and 3 in the morning form being with him. Me , i had no one see, because i wasnt afraid to be alone . Every relationship i had once it ended i was always by myself , never one person to the next person.I have self esteem and love who i am and my ex was lacking that. Those things i couldnt give here. Nothing was ever good enough because she was missing those 2 things.

 

Hope this isnt to long, been holding it in for a while !!

 

DJ_QUALLS

[butterflycloud]

thanks for the great post. I too went through a similar situation. Sometimes you just have to realise that staying i it for the kids will only lea to more hurt for all of you.

 

Im also alone at the moment, there are times when I feel sorry for myself and wish that I had a 'replacement' but I have overcome those feelings- I am now content just being with my son.

 

I now lead a much better life- FAR LESS STRESS!!!!

 

It is wonderful to finally feel what its like to be happy again!

[DJ_QUALLS]

thanks for the great post. I too went through a similar situation. Sometimes you just have to realise that staying i it for the kids will only lea to more hurt for all of you.

 

Im also alone at the moment, there are times when I feel sorry for myself and wish that I had a 'replacement' but I have overcome those feelings- I am now content just being with my son.

 

I now lead a much better life- FAR LESS STRESS!!!!

 

It is wonderful to finally feel what its like to be happy again!

 

Yes, butterfly that is the point. Some people are affraid to leave relationships but only stay and do damage to themselves by being somewhere you dont want to be.I lived almost my entire life doing things for other people and beiing affraid to hurt feelings knowing that my heart and mind wasnt in it and that was the problem i had and had to overcome, but since then i have dealt with and overcame that issue and now am living life for me now and i am very happy doing that. The RIGHT relationship will come , you have to be patient and be prerared for it.

[butterflycloud]

I think that you nailed it on the head- sometimes people know that a relationship is wrong but they dont want to hurt the other by leaving- you would rather hurt yourself by staying and avoid 'letting your partner down'.

 

Most relationships, where you find yourself not listening to your inner voice telling you to get out, are about not really validating who you are and not believing that you dont deserve to be treated badly. In a nutshell it is about taking your power back- easier said than done though!

 

Its really hard to take your power back and put your own needs first when you have been so used to being a doormat to someone else. This is a lesson that I have had to learn and continue to learn everyday. I did take my power back but it is a constant struggle to keep it that way.

 

With a manipulative ex and a nature of self doubt I have to remember to hold onto that power- everyday.

[marriedandalone]

Im going throught the same thing. Im in a dead-end marriage but am affraid to leave because of the fear of being alone . I want out so bad but i dont even know where to start . Im affraid of disrupting our day to day routine . I know this sounds stupid but it is true . When my husband is gone for the day i am so much more relaxed and at ease .But as soon as hes home im on pins and needles . I dont know why .He doesnt abuse me or anything our major issue is he put nothing into our marriage . I try to plan dates for us or even jus a few hours for ourselves but he never wants to go anywhere .Mostly he never wants to leave the house except to go to work . We both work full time and hav a 6 yr old son . We got married 2 weeks after i found out he cheated on me while me son was in the hospital with rsv . I know that was a mistake but i was hoping to keep him if we were married .I was only 17. I really want to ask him for a divorce but my family thinks hes like this super guy but they dont know what really goes on .That is my fault i try to keep everyone happy while ignoring myself. I know its time to leave because i cant even standing being in the same room as him . I love him but he has no desire on helping me to make our marrige work . I jus dont know what to do .If anyone can help with advise pls do i need all the advise i can get . tHANK YOU