Input as to what she's thinking...

[mind0S]

Hello Everyone,

 

Just a little history on the situation...

6 Months ago or so I broke up with a girl I was dating for 4 years.

 

[Lets fast forward a little bit]

 

So I decided that since there was a lot of confusion before that I would do a strict NC, and I was successful for a month. She calls about 1 week before Thanksgiving and I ignored the calls for about 3-4 days and was debating whether I should call her back, well I did.

 

She basically invited me over to Thanksgiving and basically watched a few movies on the couch together. She would rest her head on me and we would play with each others hands.

 

Sometimes she indirectly says in subtle ways that it wouldn't work out and in other ways she leads me on. I'm so damn confused that my emotions are over the place on this one.

 

Take for example our recent conversation that she wanted to move to another state... and I didn't respond to it the way she probably thought I would, so she adds she doesn't want to move alone and dismisses the whole idea and says she thinks she'll stay where she is, again I might have added some confusion on my part by not responding as I should have, I really refrained myself.

 

Just today, she said "Don't ask me what I've been up to, and I won't ask what you've been up to", and this was something that I found interesting because I was hesitant to tell her something I was reading and she blurted this out.

 

She said a while ago that she wasn't dating anyone, and I've said the same, which conflicts with the earlier statement of "Don't ask..."

 

I love the girl so much, but these games are really putting a damper on my life. I'm thinking I should either A) do a strict NC (and this time stick with it) or B) Tell her how I feel.

 

With (A) I feel that even though consciously I would be throwing out confusion, I perhaps might be guilty in this area on a subconscious level, as I admit, I'm confused or I wouldn't be here, so as a survival tactic my mind is mirroring confusion?

 

(B) As a man, this has some serious ego complications, put myself out there and have the possibility of getting it stomped on. I do feel however that this is the best bet, as I know where I stand and can move on. This is obviously easier to type then to actually communicate.

 

There's a lot more to it, but I didn't want to overwhelm you. I would really like any comments on how YOU perceive this situation.

 

-Graci,

Tony

[emma34]

What I'm confused about is...do you want her back?? Or are you just "confused" about whether or not you want her back??

[mind0S]

Not a good sign if you're confused, must be telling me I'm throwing out confusion.

 

Yes, I want to be with her.

[emma34]

Do whatever your gut tells you...and by what your saying, it SOUNDS like your gut is telling you to tell her how you feel.

[mind0S]

That's the problem, my gut feelings change with every interaction; she says things that conflict with some of her actions.

 

There's been a war brewing internally as what to do, my heart says one thing and my mind another, and my gut feelings say to just go with the flow.

 

I haven't taken the initiative to call her for the longest time; she's always been the one to call. Even getting a bit angry that I don't pick up my cell, and that she wanted to see if I wanted to go to sea world. So is she being indirect and trying to get me back or is she just trying to make me her new best friend?

 

If it's one thing I've learned in relationships, women are indirect. Men are simple creatures who need to be told directly what is expected of them sometimes (but only sometimes).

 

A friend of mine suggested I try the "Jealous Game" and write on my website that I'm dating a girl, and that should spark the truth as to where she stands. This sounds a bit dishonest, and I feel I'm pretty honest and I also feel this would work to some degree. Any Ideas?

[Mun]

Why did you break up with her 6 months ago? and since it was YOU that broke up then why can't you put yourself out there... You did the breaking up, the ball is in your court here. If you want to say something then how 'bout "How do you feel about giving this relationship another shot?" and see what she tells you. If you don't know what to say yet then why don't you just keep dating her. Enjoy yourselves and let things move along on their own.

[Mun]

I wouldn't play any jealousy games, she might think you are playing her and there goes your chance. If you want her back then your focus should be on her.

[mind0S]

We broke up over a whole bunch of little things that as a end result broke down our communication.

 

Well even though I did break up with her, that was only out of pure frustration on not being able to communicate, and that's a whole other story. I made it clear before we broke up the last time that if we ever break up again, I wasn't going to be the one running back making things work; that SHE would have to be the one who took the intiatatve to mend the relationship; and this was said because in the 4 years of us being together, she was the one who always broke it off and I was the one always trying to mend things. It was a pretty ignorant thing to say on my part, and I know this now.

 

If you don't know what to say yet then why don't you just keep dating her. Enjoy yourselves and let things move along on their own.

 

This is what I have been doing, I don't play too much inside my head when I'm with her, I just enjoy the moment with her. I wrote in my journal that all I wanted was to apoligize and feel her hug one more time; and that's has happened and I should just enjoy the time we have together, whether it has a label or not. Thank you for this, rang up a nerve.

[mind0S]

I wouldn't play any jealousy games, she might think you are playing her and there goes your chance. If you want her back then your focus should be on her.

 

I agree with you. I guess this seemed like a logical point for me to take because early in the breakup she would mention on her website things that she knew would make me jealous. I think she wanted to provoke some sort of emotion and see if I would write on my site to see if I would make her jealous and play this cat/mouse game, but I ignored it; after a while I noticed that she stopped playing that game.

[Mun]

Like you said, you stopped playing games and look what happened....Isn't it nice to have a mature, healthy relationship this time around? From what you described it sounds like you have both been having a great time... just take it as it comes and learn from the past mistakes.

[mind0S]

Well I guess you can call it just being a women and being indirect, but I think we're still playing games to tell you honestly. I mean what's up with this whole concept of saying she wants to move and not wanting to be alone, WHY doesn't she just directly tell me what she wants instead of beating around the bush, the results would be a lot faster; but that could be said the same about the way I've been conducting myself too, so I'm no angel.

[smallworld]

I agree with Mun. Don't play games, because in the end the games play you...

 

If you really love this girl so much, why are you ignoring or rejecting every "white flag" she waves in your direction? I don't see these things she's doing so much as games as half-hearted attempts to find out if you still feel anything for her.

 

In all honesty I'm surprised she's still willing to keep pursuing an opportunity to be with you when she's obviously the one in the one-down position and probably feels extremely vulnerable and rejected at this point. What you interpret as mixed signals and mind games, I see as "tests" to see if you care if she's dating or not, or whether or not she moves out of state.

 

I think given the fact that you were together 4 years and that you dumped and NC'd her, beating around the bush is understandable.

 

If what she has to offer isn't enough for you now, it probably never will be. But if you want her back in your life, then be honest with her about how you feel. It's okay to say "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" but NC the game playing. It only makes things worse...

[mind0S]

She knows I still love her, she lives 50 miles from me, and that should be my "white flag" to her when I drop everything for her, I was there when her father died, I dropped my family to see her for Thanksgiving. Everytime she needs me I'm there.

 

You have opened up my eyes in many areas, I honestly never seen them as rejection or ignoring her "white flags" and it has giving me something new to ponder. Maybe I was so far up my own buttox that I didn't see that she's put a lot on the line. Interesting.

[mind0S]

5 minutes later...

 

Perhaps I should email her and tell her that I've been thinking about her moving away and how much I would miss her and that she already lives farther away from me then I would like.

[Mun]

You said : She knows I still love her, she lives 50 miles from me, and that should be my "white flag" to her when I drop everything for her...Everytime she needs me I'm there.---So who is the one being indirect again? Maybe she needs a clearer message here because she is NOT picking up your hints. She knows you still love her...how? Have you TOLD her recently? I don't like the email idea. Why not tell her next time you see her in person? It's too important)--and email is so impersonal and flip. Check your pride--it gets us nowhere fast.

[mind0S]

HAHA You cought my hand in the cookie jar!

 

I had a website that when we broke up that I would pour my heart to her, there was nothing indirect about her knowing my feelings for her, she would visit my site on a daily basis. I stopped writing my emotions on my website after her friend emailed me and said I was a loser and a stalker (which made me laugh to some degree) and also said that I should get over her. I knew my ex was with her when she sent it, so since they took a direct approach I stopped writing about her.

 

I also made an image that said "I love you too" and when I decided to visit her months after we broke up, she requested I take it down. I agreed, and thought that she didn't love me. (BTW, this idea wasn't mine, it was suggested by a lady friend who my ex HATES, maybe she picked up that this wasn't my idea and had to be a womans idea?)

 

So perhaps she changed her mind since that time? Either way, I got a lot of info from this already, it never occurred to me that I might be the one missing all the white flags.

[Mun]

The friend that called you a loser.. she sounds like a jealous jerk. Grrrr. Sometimes we're just too close to a situation to see what's going on. Good luck

[mind0S]

Yes, and come to find out they aren't friends anymore. Why kick a man while he's already down?

 

Sometimes we're just too close to a situation to see what's going on.

Isn't that the truth!

 

Thanks.